Black is how I feel
Black is my life
black engulfs me
eats me up, swallows me.
I offered my daughter a lift to college last night
this morning the bus didn't come, I'm having a bad day
she said she would stay at her b/f tonight if I didn't want to give her a lift - because I am having a bad day, she is going to the movies with her dad tonight, I said stay at Joes, she said no, it's my house too??????Is it me??????? I ended up just blowing my top, she called me an ***, I told her not to disrespect me like that - Her dad was exremely aggressive towards us all at the weekend cos he has a cold.... ahhhh shame...... she left sobbing because he was so nasty. Now he is making it up to her, they stick together like glue, I get it in the neck. My son had a strop this morning because his lunch box wouldn't fit into his school bag - he is 15 - pathetic - I'm going to be a point scoring, obnoxious, unfeeling, aggressive mother and see if I get the respect he does husband) from now on. Seems the nastier he is, the more they try and impress him, the nicer I am and supportive, I get %#@&#! on. Enough.....I am sick, tired, disillusioned with family life, I have been here for them, loved them, nurtured them, listened to them, all I get is crap back.
I am not as inteligent as them, I sometimes find it hard to put my point across, they all stick together, my husband takes their side in front of them and me and makes me feel like a complete idiot. I have let this happen all my friggin life I AM NOT A DOORMAT.

I dont know how I drove home without killing myself or anyone else thismorning through a busy town and big lorries, then I was speeding slightly along my road and there was a cctv police van almost near my house, so i spose i now have a fine.

how pissed off can one person be in a day. i feel guilty about everything, i want to do nothing today. I woke up to a kitchen that looks like a bombsite. Disrespect, anger, oh what the hell, I just want to leave them all to it. I did my best, always i did my best. If that's not good enough I cant do anymore. I am sick of my life, I am sick of my family i am sick of myself. I have my cpn coming today and i dont know where to start, i'm too tired to even think about what I'm going to say to her, I dont know where to start. I really really want to crawl into bed and stay there til it all goes away. I cant cope with anything else. I cant even cope with breathing. I cant cope with life. I cant cope with no parents. i CANT cope knowing I was never wanted or loved by my parents. I cant coe with the abuse memories, dreams, flashbacks. i cant cope with therapy. i cant cope with the house, the animals, ME..

i don't know who I am or who I've been or who i will be. I want to bang me head against a wall til it bleeds and caves in. I want to not be here anymore. i want quiet. i want peace. i want nothing.

who am i?

im not jinny, im not kerry im not anybody. i dont know why i was put o this miserable planet. i hope i never come back, i hope reincarnation is not real.

[dragonphoto]

(((((Jinn)))) I am so sorry you feel this way sweetie. I just wish that these hugs that I send could be real ones, because what you need right now is someone that gives a damn about you. I am not going to lie to you and tell you things get better, but at some point in your kids life they will look back on this and realize what you have gone through and what kind of person your husband is. I know that offers no peace now and it should not be about revenge. Just know that you are loved, by your family (even though sometimes it does not seem that way) your friends, and the people on PC that support you through everything you go through. Sending hugs and love.

Chad

[wickedwings]

((((jinny))))

[Fuzzybear]

((((((((((((( jinny )))))))))))))