So tired of this

I have been plagued with Major Depression, Anxiety and Panic d/o for 10 years now. Ten years. I haven't come out from under the dark cloud at all.
It started when menopause hit. I thought I was crazy for about 9 months and a therapist said "this looks like a bad menopause". Off I went to the gyn and got some hormones. Helped a little, not a lot. I had as close to a psychotic menopause as there is I suppose and the MDD and Anx.D/O are from that. I went from Assertive Professional to Crying, anxious mess in a month or less.

I was put on Lexapro to go with the hormones and that helped a lot. Then four or five months later Lorazepam to help with the panic/anxiety.
Just as I was coming out of it back to being me, a family tragedy sent me spiraling right back down. That was 2010. So that is 2 years. 2008-2010.

Somewhere I got on Effexor when the Lexapro pooped out. Still on Lorazepam. Valium was tried in there somewhere also. I didn't want such a long half life. But I know how to wean off Lorazepam now.

I take 225 Venlefaxine er and 1 mg Lorazepam twice daily. I also take Gabapentin for the nerves in my feet. Sometimes they say that has a mood stabilizing quality.

The problem is, I just don't have any hope that tomorrow is going to be any different than today. Just keep putting one foot in front of the other and marching onward. No smiles, no happiness. I really don't think that happiness is something that will happen for me any more. I do remember it. I do remember how I was, it's just been so very long. I just had to vent. I had a pnp and a therapist. The PNP asked me on the second visit how life was going. I mentioned my biggest stressor (taking care of 89 y/o MIL) and he said "Well, that's good. You'll be rewarded for that." Don't think he even read my chart. The therapist never called to schedule an appt after the first one. I tried every week for 5 weeks to find out how to make one. Yes, this is true and sad. Like no help is there.
Thank you for listening.

I am sorry you are struggling and feel alone. I know how hard it is. I want to reassure you that it is possible to improve because I've done it. I know it is extremely hard, so please be proud of yourself every time you put one foot in front of the other. You are doing so good. Big hugs. You are not alone.

It has been 12 years since I was first diagnosed with MDD. It has been many medications, still no release. I am now in a partial hospitalization, and waiting for DBT to start and bring hope and healing. The point is don't loose hope something will help. Have you tried meditation or DBT? I have heard that both are good but one has to put the time in to make it work.

I am sorry you suffer.

You may, at times, feel alone; yet, you are not all alone in your suffering.
I, too, have had treatment-resistant depression (first diagnosed as severe atypical major depression and more recently diagnosed with BPII, Bipolar Depression.); it's been at least 40 years of severe depression.

It has helped me to learn more about mindfulness, learning to (try to) live in the Present Moment. I still have some very trying times; yet, so far, I have made it through.

Our friends have mentioned other helpful approaches like DBT, etc.

Learning coping skills is vitally important.

I hope life gets better for you very soon!


WC

I’m sorry you are having a tough time. I’m glad you are not giving up. I know how it is to trudge on for years. It is frustrating and disheartening. I know it can get better. It has for me. Maybe posting here to vent would help provide some relief or learning new coping skills as WC mentioned would help.

I hope you feel better soon. Sending big hugs.

Started trying Meditation some months back. At lunch at work, I put a pallet on my floor, lay down and put my earphones in. It helps sometimes. I didn't put it in my post, but I am deeply religious and have prayed and cried out for so long. I know there's an answer, it just hasn't happened yet.

I’m sorry you suffer

Many of us here have been dxd with treatment resistant depression, and anxiety etc (it sucks ) personally I can’t tolerate meds I hope you keep posting - I’m glad you haven’t given up

I agree with the others who mention DBT. I haven’t personally tried it (it’s hard to access in my area of the forest but I’m trying to learn some of the skills) I’m also a believer in the power of prayer, PM me any time ..