[treevoice]

First post in months (maybe over a year? I dunno).

This funny thing happens, I can be fine for months just living in my hermit shell and once I decide to come out and start working on myself (meditating, yoga, eating healthier) it's like it shakes loose all these horrible feelings and I find myself wondering why anyone chooses to live at all?
I'm not suicidal by any means. But maybe hopeless. There is nothing particularly *wrong* with my life, I've taken every tragedy in stride and overcome every disease that has possessed me at one point or another (alcoholism, anxiety, death and suicide) and yet what's it for? Even on the best day, the world is full of violence, poverty, hunger, illness. Even on the best day, my job is going to take a piece of my soul and my bills are going to come due and someone is going to wish me harm. Even on the best day the planet is on the brink of self annihilation via nuclear holocaust or tyranny or climate change or whatever the boogieman of the week may be. I can't even go to the mall without fear of someone opening fire upon a crowd or open my mail without fear of some new scam or old debt resurfacing or worse...
How does one find the will to live in a world that seems very intent on being a horrible place? Where even the kindest and most well intended individual can betray you without a moment's notice? Where even the best relationships become a tax on your very well being, not because it is broken but because it is happy and requires such sacrifice and work?
What I'm saying is, how does one live and not fall into existential dread? How does one be a conscious, caring citizen without also being crushed under the weight of truth? How does one accept the world honestly without also becoming resentful?

That is to say, I guess I'm depressed again. But how does one escape depression that is not based on chemicals (so far as I can tell) but on a sincere observation of reality?

[Skeezyks]

Nice to hear from you treevoice. I don't know the answer to your question. What I can tell you is that I have turned to the ancient Tibetan Buddhist teachings called "Lojong" (mind training) primarily as taught by the Buddhist nun Pema Chödrön. Basically what it all boils down to is learning to be comfortable with uncertainty. I've made two major attempts to end my life. Without Ani Pema's teachings, I doubt I would be writing this today. I wish you well...

[maybeblue]

Is it a sincere observation of reality or is it focusing on all the bad things and ignoring the good ones? I'm not denying a lot of horrible things happen in the world. They always have. People do cruel, horrible stuff to each other. There are natural and unnatural disasters all the time.

But on the other hand there are parents taking care of children, teachers giving students the love of reading, millions of people devoting their lives to fighting poverty and disease. New things are invented every day. And right now I have a cat who loves me enough to want to be close to me.

Depression creates a lense that screens out the good things and zooms in on the bad ones. But reality isn't all bad. It isn't all good either. But there is some good. I expect that's why people keep going, because of the good stuff. Even if it is something so small as another mammal making a connection with you.

[Fuzzybear]

Originally Posted by Skeezyks

Nice to hear from you treevoice. I don't know the answer to your question. What I can tell you is that I have turned to the ancient Tibetan Buddhist teachings called "Lojong" (mind training) primarily as taught by the Buddhist nun Pema Chödrön. Basically what it all boils down to is learning to be comfortable with uncertainty. I've made two major attempts to end my life. Without Ani Pema's teachings, I doubt I would be writing this today. I wish you well...

I don’t have answers Thanks for posting treevoice

[Sunflower123]

Good responses here. Sending big hugs.

[Anxious Minds]

I've been there. *Hug*

I look at it as a "zooming effect." The more you zoom out and focus on things beyond your scope of influence, the more helpless and hopeless you feel.

What helps me is to zoom back in. Your life matters to someone. Your actions have meaning in this present moment. You have an effect on things just by being here (I can prove this using Physics actually).

It's not our job to fix the world. It's not our job to think about things beyond our own lifetime. It's our job to create meaning and purpose in our lives so that we know that our lives matter in this moment.

I think of this like a giant computer game. You're the hero of this game and it's your job to go on your quest so that you can keep leveling up.

[treevoice]

Thank you everyone for your kind words. Anxious Minds, I have a feeling your mind works similar to how mine does. Since I made this post I started doing some research, because the strangest part about this new wave of depression is that it surfaced when I started focusing on being healthier and re-instating my meditation practice that I had been neglecting. But the funny thing is, if I look back at other times in my life that I've struggled with these feelings, it has predominately occurred during times I was meditating. When I was 12, I had my first episode with sleep paralysis which was triggered by meditation. I found some interesting research online correlating meditation with depression, especially in those with predisposition to mental illness. So I'm taking a break from that for now to see if it helps. Has anyone else had a similar adverse reaction to meditation (assuming that is in fact what this is)?

[MickeyCheeky]

I agree with the others. Depression can give you an inaccurate perception of the world aroudn you. All the things that you mentioned are there, but they aren't the only thing that's there.

[luvyrself]

Originally Posted by maybeblue

Is it a sincere observation of reality or is it focusing on all the bad things and ignoring the good ones? I'm not denying a lot of horrible things happen in the world. They always have. People do cruel, horrible stuff to each other. There are natural and unnatural disasters all the time.

But on the other hand there are parents taking care of children, teachers giving students the love of reading, millions of people devoting their lives to fighting poverty and disease. New things are invented every day. And right now I have a cat who loves me enough to want to be close to me.

Depression creates a lense that screens out the good things and zooms in on the bad ones. But reality isn't all bad. It isn't all good either. But there is some good. I expect that's why people keep going, because of the good stuff. Even if it is something so small as another mammal making a connection with you.

—-I love what you said. We can make our little corner of the world good for us, adding things we like one by one. Stop watching the news if necessary. The media has a known negative bias.