[ArcheM]

Last month they cut our pay by about a quarter at my job, so I feel like I have to work hard to have enough to eat next month. So I spent most of Saturday and Sunday working. Well, I stopped in the evening, but didn't feel like doing any of my hobbies because I work in front of a computer and use a computer in most of my hobbies. Well, I did play a video game that I use to study a foreign language, which kind of feels like not being in front of a computer, but instead in a different world. Except I'm feeling more and more dissatisfied with it as a language study tool. I recently finished reading a book in the language and thought this would be a fun, but useful diversion. However it feels like my learning has lost intensity, because I almost don't look words up in a dictionary (because I don't have time) and a lot of stuff just passes by without comprehension.

And to pile up more on that, with the last work project my manager keeps sending me corrections (some of which I just don't understand right now), and I feel like trying to work harder just means that I'm making more mistakes... And that I'm useless at this job - but I have nowhere else to go...

Anyway, dissatisfied, frustrated, hopeless, started crying again, which seems like a sure sign that it's time to open up to someone. Here you go, internet.

[MickeyCheeky]

I'm so sorry. It seems like your job is the main cause of your problems. Have you already tried to look for another place to work?

[ArcheM]

Yeah. Most job postings I see demand way more social ability than I have (which is very little). The rest want skills that I don't have, of course... I suppose there's also terrible jobs that don't need any of that. But I suspect they pay about as much and I'd be almost as miserable.

[Fuzzybear]

[ArcheM]

Well, it took a while but finally my job had an occasion to kick me while I'm down (which is to say, to stack three independent deadlines on top of each other, for tasks that I absolutely loathe)... I just don't care anymore. It's never getting better. I mean, I managed to apply for and get a bit of a reply from a job, which I don't care about either, but might have to take (if they come through) just to make sure for when this job disappears. And it's pretty much the same thing, in a different field. Maybe even worse, because without any real-life human contact whatsoever... And because of the lack of time, nothing in my hobbies is getting anywhere... I just want it to end. I know I won't end it myself. But I've started to thoroughly ignore my health. Because it just doesn't matter... Try to get yourself in shape, look after your sleep, it doesn't matter... To them you're just a couple of eyes and typing appendages...

I get that, I often feel like a 'unit' in my job too (Very different job to yours). But you do matter and self care is important, although it's a struggle when you are in the grip of depression I know.

Sending you a gentle hug.

[ArcheM]

I only see that I matter in the sense that the few people close to me would be unhappy if I stopped existing... But if I had never existed at all, they'd be a lot better off.

I feel that too sometimes. Guilt seems an integral part of depression. Others are very likely to disagree with this thinking, although it feels strong it is in fact depression talking.

Are you getting help from a Dr or any other source?

[ArcheM]

No. What is a doctor going to do? Let me not work? Or make me suddenly good at my hobbies? There's a direct connection between these factors and my mood, which has been proving itself again and again. When they drew back or could be ignored, I've felt excellent for long period during the past year, without any other change.

I am sorry I was just trying to help, sometimes medication has helped me even when there was a situational cause, therapy helped me talk through my thoughts and options. Everyone is different though.

[ArcheM]

Oh, I didn't want to put you down. But I've got very particular views on these topics, which probably don't correspond to the consensus on this site. Talking (or writing, like here) through my thoughts has helped me a lot. But if anything, needing to go to a forum (or a professional) seems to me a part of the problem, not a solution.

That's okay, I am struggling myself at the moment and understand, I wish there were clear answers for all of us.

[ArcheM]

Well, I guess the tribulation is over for now... Binging and skin-picking habits reinforced. I know that they don't help, but nothing in this situation is good or healthy... You don't give someone three simultaneous deadlines and expect healthy coping...