[Theari]

I don’t know if this is the appropriate place to put this or not but I felt I needed to voice some stuff and I couldn’t think of anyone in my life who wouldn’t look at me like I was being stupid. I have never been diagnosed with depression or ever seen a mental health professional.

Some background on me that’s prob relevant...I’m a nurse, I work nights, married, no kids. I’m the sole income provider right now cause my husband is in school. I would say we have a good life. I mean, I don’t really like my job in particular. It’s a paycheck. I wouldn’t call it stressful, the floor I work on is actually very easy work comparatively. I should be happy right? So why don’t I feel happy?

I can’t tell if I’m depressed or if I’m being dramatic or what. When I’m around people outside of work I’m laughing and having a good time. I feel happy. When I’m with my husband I am content and happy. It’s when I am alone that I feel like there’s this other side of me that is miserable. I can’t explain why. And I spend a lot of time alone lately. Because my husband goes to school he is on a different sleep schedule than me and so I spend most of my time by myself awake in our house.

I thought I was just lonely so I talked to him and reached out on Reddit to make some online friends for when I’m awake at night. And that seemed to help a bit for a while. I had company and conversation and it kept those feelings at bay. But now, those feelings are coming back despite having those people to keep me company. And it has started encroaching on my mind at work. Even when I’m around some of my coworkers, i will suddenly feel overwhelmingly alone. And i feel stupid for feeling that way because I’m not alone. I just start to feel separate from all of them, like no one would care if I disappeared.

The other night I got up and left my area where I was working. I made sure my patients were fine and I had my work phone but I disappeared to a dark empty waiting area and stared out the window for almost an hour without anyone looking for me. I don’t know if I was hoping I would be missed (maybe?) but I just had to move away from the busyness of the floor. I can’t identify what is going on in my head.

Possible trigger:

I think about hurting myself, that it might make me feel something else besides these feelings. I sat and in that waiting room and banged my fist into a wooden chair until my knuckles were bruised. It took my mind off what I was feeling for a little while and when I would start to feel it come back I would just hit something else and feel that pain instead.

I had a rough night at work the other night. Just busy, emotionally draining because of one particular family. I felt those feelings coming back again and this time I found one of the scalpels in our supply rooms and I cut a scratch into my arm. Dumb, so dumb, why?

I did it again last night. And I felt fine for a while after. But I’m looking at these marks on my arm and on my leg and wondering what the hell I’m doing.

I don’t know what’s going on with me. Why can’t I just feel happy? My life is pretty good.

I feel stupid just reading this to myself. Maybe this is a mistake.

[paynful]

It sounds like you aren't being fulfilled in some aspect of your life. Do you feeling like your life is lacking meaning for you?

It might help if you were volunteering (besides being a nurse). Something to help others like Habitat for Humanity or helping adults learn to read?

On the other hand, (it might sound silly or frivolous) maybe you need to do something that is just for YOU. It could be a hobby or a rescue pet, maybe. A new adventure for you (road trip, sky diving, rock climbing, kick boxing).

I'm sorry you are feeling so despondent and disconnected. I hope you find something that joyously grounds you.

[smallbluefish]

thank you for sharing how you're feeling with us--it sounds like you're struggling to come to terms with self-doubt around how you're feeling, so I'm grateful that you were able to share your experiences here.

your feelings are all totally valid! as someone who experiences a lot of self-doubt around my feelings myself, I know it can be hard, but I hope you're able to hold on to a little bit of trust in your ability to name how you feel. it's totally not stupid to feel this way and you're not to blame for how you're feeling. we (members of the forum) are here and listening.

I don't want to tell you what to call this experience and won't push any specific language on you, but if your experience is making things difficult enough for you to want to hurt yourself, then I think it's definitely worth taking time to tend to yourself/these feelings as real and valid experiences that you don't need to just "get over." taking time to write this thread means some little part of you knows it's worth it to take care of these feelings. and from what I'm hearing, what's important is that you are safe right now in ways that work for you--this can look like reaching out to peers or mental health professionals if you're comfortable (even just saying that you're not sure about how you're feeling but are experiencing x and y), or taking time to really nurture yourself / these feelings as valid and real.

<3