Got a little rest, wish it helped....

MtnTime2896 · Mar 31, 2018, 01:19 AM

Finally got some sleep. It took being exhausted from yard work, having my fiance with me and some weed. It was peaceful until my fiance went back home, then I kept tossing and turning and having intense anxiety. Still, I got some rest.

Anyone else ever feel worse after a nap?

Anyway, yeah, that's how I've been dealing with things. Doing work around the house and smoking. I know I've been told not to smoke because it makes psychosis worse (if that's even what's going on) but it's actually keeping things from being so damn scary. Even with it, I still feel depressed and anxious, I just care a little less that I am, you know? I've accepted that there aren't cameras in the house watching me. My friend helped me look for them and we couldn't find any. So, unless they're that well hidden, I don't think there are any. That's something, I guess.

I'm still confused, just less anxious about it. Pretty sure the world I'm living in is false.

Possible trigger:

Maybe that OD I did the other day actually killed me and I'm stuck in purgatory.

I really don't know. I'm just sort of going with whatever is happening.

Possible trigger:

I'm feeling like I need to actually take myself out now, just in case.

It's the only way I can successfully survive this inter-dimensional world. That's hard to explain, though, and I'm not even 100% sure that it's real, so I haven't taken any action. I just know it's what I'm experiencing.

Am I crazy?

MtnTime2896 · Mar 31, 2018, 05:10 AM

I'm feeling myself sink down into my thoughts again. When I'm not confused, they just sort of dig in with sharp hooks that pull my brain where ever they please.

I'm just sort of thinking. Isn't that what always gets me into trouble? Too much time to think. Thing is, no matter how busy I make myself, no matter how many distractions, there's always too much time. That's the problem isn't it? Time. I hate time. There's too much of it and it shifts the balances of everything. Or maybe it's the flow?

Maybe I shouldn't be scared of these other dimensions. Maybe when I'd go to them, I'd embrace it and "live" something better. Maybe it wouldn't be better or worse. Maybe it'd just be, you know? The creatures scare me but maybe I shouldn't be scared of them. What if they're just trying to welcome me, knowing fully well I'm about ready to leave this realm? Maybe it's time for me.

Mar 31, 2018, 06:21 AM

I think pot makes us less anxious while we are using it but as it wears off--it gives you a boomerang effect as in you are more anxious right after using it. This is why you feel worse after taking a nap--the pot has worn off. If your doctor has given you any antianxiety medications like gabapentin or xanax--it is a good idea to take them while using so they are in your system when the pot wears off.

I know it is not legal in your state which is too bad because if it was legal you might be able to pick pot that was very low in THC. If you wrote this posts under the influence of pot--much of your thinking is being effected by the pot. If you stop using it--you will feel much differently in a few days.....

MtnTime2896 · Mar 31, 2018, 06:46 AM

I've only been smoking for a couple days. I've been seeing different dimensions and stuff for... I actually don't know. I know it's been more than a couple days, though. If anything, I smoked to understand what I was seeing. I don't know if that makes sense or if it's even a good idea. I wish it was legal here, too.

I don't have any xanax or anything. Closest thing that I have is vistiral, it's not a benzo which is preferable for me and my doc. Things happen even when I don't smoke, but weed makes it less scary.

Honestly, I'll probably quit smoking anyway. After all, what's the point if I'm still suicidal? It's not making that go away. Because at the end of the day, I just want me to go away.