Considering Inpatient Program?

I'm thinking about looking into an inpatient program.

I just feel like I'm nearing the end of my rope.

I don't know why, but I'm so terrified of asking for help, but I know I need it.
I'm depressed all the time and think about dying often. I don't have an active plan, but I feel like I'm getting closer to maybe start thinking about one. I'm not in crisis at this very moment, but it feels like it's been a long thing coming. You know?

I feel so conflicted all the time. I read this article once on suicide and awareness and warning signs or whatnot. And the author talked about how there's not always warning signs to help you know when someone is feeling or close to committing suicide. There are plenty of people who showed warning signs that maybe could have helped prevent them dying but there are also people out there who never let on and are determine to keep it that way, and one day they are just gone.

And I feel like that is always playing on loop in my head. Wanting to reach out for help because I know it's the right thing to do but also not wanting to say anything because if I do decide, I don't want anything getting in my way.

I'm just so tired. Tired of doing this alone, but terrified of letting someone (anyone) close enough to try and help. I have horrible trust issues. And a list of issues I don't even like to acknowledge and have spent the better part of a decade slowly dissociating from. I don't know who to trust and be vulnerable with to let my guard down, so I stay holed up and keep everything to myself. I don't think I'm worth the effort and don't want to burden or drag down my friends. I don't want to hurt anyone, but I also don't want to be alive anymore. The one thing I want, I feel like I can't have. And that's also why I think it is so hard for me to ask for help. Because I feel like I'm doing it because that's what you're supposed to do. Nobody wants someone to take their own life. But that's all I want. So I feel torn.

And it's getting to be too much. Something has got to change, right? I'm just so terrified that I'm frozen into place. I don't know what to do. I know you shouldn't wait until it gets worse, but that's all I've been doing. And I don't know how to stop. Honestly sometimes I think, I wouldn't even know if I was in actual crisis or not because I stay so removed myself.

All I know is that things are slowly getting worse.

Yesterday, I went to a live performance for a favorite artist. I saw her last year and it totally helped me and changed my life. This year, I got to hold her hand and look directly in her eyes as she sang to me and . . . I was barely present. I hardly felt anything at all and I felt so fake.

I woke up this morning and now I'm having symbolic dreams about self harm and suicide related themes.

I don't know what I should do anymore and need someone to guide me.

It can't hurt to go in and try and find a solution. How many anti-depressants have you been on? They can titrate the doses faster in the hospital.

I'm currently not on anti depressants. But the last one was Lexapro, I think.

When you were on an antidepressant did it help? Any particular reason you stopped the Meds?

Honestly, I don't remember. I was only on them for about half a year, but I think I want to say they helped a bit. I stopped taking Lexapro because I couldn't afford the insurance I had, so I couldn't get the prescription anymore.

If I were you, I would go to a psychiatrist and tell him all these things. I bet there’s a medication that can help you. It sounds like you haven’t tried very many.

Celexa is the previous version of lexapro. It is available in generic and is a lot cheaper.

I’m a little curious if you don’t mind my asking. What is the one thing you want that you feel like you can’t have?

to die. But I still have emotional ties and connections to my mom and few friends, and the pain I know they'll experience if I kill myself keeps me from doing it. That's the one thing I want, but technically can't have. I mean I could, but I'm stopping myself. I feel conflicted as usual. All I've ever done is be there for others and compromise myself to accommodate for others. I don't know how to do things for myself and only feel valuable when I'm being of use, even though it also causes me a great deal of stress.

I'm in therapy right now. But it's hard. I see my therapist about 3 times a month. And I feel like it's not enough, but it's all my insurance can supply me with (therapy once a week actually, but work makes me miss one session a month). I need more consistency. A lot of additional stress comes from my job and MOSTLY my mother who I still live with. She affects my emotional state deeply.

I feel like I'm trying to get better because that's what expected from you, not because it's what I want to do. My first choice is death. But that's not socially acceptable, so I'm trying my best to go with getting better, but dying is always at the front of my mind or close behind every thought.

You sound like you think about death a lot. Have you talked about it in therapy? Maybe now is a good time to try medication again.

There could be several reasons you want to die. Are you sad? Do you have ups and downs?

We've briefly talked about medication during therapy before but it was only once about a month or so ago. I'd have to go through my primary doctor and I'm an currently in the process of finding a new one :/

I have no ups, just downs. The closest to an up I have is when I'm smoking weed.

Good luck with that.

The Lexapro helps me a lot. It may feel 'normal' to you now to have these death thoughts but life is a lot better, even joyful, without them. So what if it takes a pill to help?

You do whatever you need to do to feel better. For me it was anti depressants that pulled my back from the brink. I don’t know what will work for you, but please don’t give up trying

oops double post