Shutting down

"You used to make me feel like I could walk on water. Now most nights, I'm just sinking down... and down..."

I keep trying to write out how I feel, if anything to just get it out and maybe offer my crowded mind some release. I can't seem to, though. No matter how hard I try, words just fall short. I've written, deleted and given up on twenty or more posts in the past week.

I had been talking to my friend about some of this stuff but now he's not messaging me back or anything. He hasn't for a couple days. I can see that he's seen the messages (pretty much all of them just saying 'hey' and trying to start a conversation). I don't know what I said or did to upset him, I can't think of anything, if he is upset, that is.

With my friend doing this, and me just opening up to him a little, I can't help but feel like I need to keep my mouth shut. He's going through some stuff and I think I just put more stress on his shoulders. He may need a break from me, I get that. I'd take a break from me too if I could. I opened up to my mom too and she didn't know what to say. No one ever really does. Kinda funny, people don't know what to say over things that are relatively "okay" in comparison to the things I'll never be vocal about. I guess I just feel myself shutting down, again. Like I always do right before things turn "life-threatening".

I'm also going to be living up at my dad's again in a week-ish. Needless to say, I'm pretty nervous (understatement). We've been working on our relationship for a while now and we can finally talk some, right up until we've been in the same room for more than twelve hours and then it parallels how it used to be. With everything in my head going on and the location of my dad's being a huge trigger for me, I don't know if I can do it. I'm considering just finding a shelter or something. It's not that I don't love my dad, and I really appreciate him offering this to me, it's just that house.... So many bad things happened up there. I can go into every room and have a flood of mostly bad memories take over causing me to have a panic attack. Outside of the house is even worse but that's going into one of my worse traumas.

I'm sorry that your mum and friend are not supporting you right now . We are here . We care and we want to listen .
I'm not sure what advice to give you about where to live . Only you can decide what is best for you in that situation , although it doesn't seem like you have a lot of choices which must be really stressful . Why are you having to leave where you live now ?
I don't have the best relationship with my dad either . I know he loves me but he puts me down and tells me off non stop . It would be hard to live with him if I had to. You said the house has many triggers for you , that sounds like it's going to be a real struggle .
I don't have any friends to tell how I'm feeling. My dad makes me feel worse so I can't tell him . My mum is helping a tiny bit in her own little way just to text me and ask me how I am but it isn't enough . I guess I'm going to have to rely on myself more . I need to reach out to the professionals again . Try and get some help for myself . We can help each other though maybe if that is possible .

I'll give my mom this, she really does try to support me and help when she can. There are just things that she'll never understand.

I'm having to leave where I am currently because the owner is kicking myself and my roommates out. She has health issues and doesn't want the stress of having people live in her house. Both of my roommates are going other places and all of us plan on saving up so we can live with each other again (next time with my fiance living with us).

I'm sorry you have no one you can open up to in real life. It gets rough and really lonely. And yeah, my dad does the same with me. Sucks because all I've ever really wanted was a good relationship with my dad where I can talk to him about stuff, and we were like that for a little while after he quit drinking, but then it went right back to normal.

Feel free to PM me whenever you want/need. I'll be here. Maybe that'd be a good idea for the both of us. Thank you

Great to here that your situation will be tempary and that you have made plans for the future . Also great to hear you have a fiance , is he supportive ?

Thanks that would be great to send private messages . Message me any time and especially when you need a friend

I'm sorry you're feeling so bad and don't have people irl to talk to. Do you have a therapist?

He is and tries to listen whenever I'm having a hard night. But I can't tell him certain things, ever. I don't want that burden on him.

Yeah, but it's not going so well. I'm a little angry with him, to be honest. I'm considering dropping out of therapy because it doesn't seem to be helping. Then again, how's it supposed to when I can't bring myself to say more than a handful of words (usually just "I don't know", "Maybe" and "Who knows")?

I'm sorry you also don't have real life friends to talk to about stuff.

Thank you, Fuzzy.

All we ever really want from our parents is to be loved and understood. It is such a disappointment when we don't feel like they are trying. I completely understand. I reached out to a friend a couple of times with no response so I feel like I am on my own as well. So hurtful and even though I have kids and a husband I want to end my life as well but don't want my kids to find me or put that on them. Everyone else I don't care about though.