Despair

So this is my first real post that I haven't had to wait to get approved. That's a bummer, and really hindered me getting a start here, but I understand the reason, sad that it must be done that way.

Anyway, I alluded to my story a bit in my intro, and I won't go into all of it here, but I am a basket case. 47 years old male, married 22 years, with a 10 year old daughter who is an only child. My wife is 5 years older than me, so you can see we had my beloved girl late in both our marriage, and our lives.

We had been in one area for our entire marriage, and I expected us to remain there, and desperately wanted to raise my daughter there her whole childhood. I moved around constantly as a kid, and did not want to ever move my daughter, but my wife forced it upon us about a year and half ago.

I had recently found some semblance of peace with a job I loved, seeing and socializing with people regularly, and breaking out of a lifelong depression for the most part. I had started going to church, and liked it. Keep in mind I started seeing therapists at 10 years old for a myriad of reasons, and I've been seeing them ever since, as well as having been on more meds than I can remember. I don't drink, or do recreational drugs, or smoke. I'm a pretty clean individual, though I do have my vices.

Anyway, we moved here to a much larger city than where we were, and where I wanted to stay. My life has been deteriorating ever since. I cannot find peace, my mood is getting worse, and I am afraid.

I have no friends, nobody to talk to other than my therapist, my wife resents that I feel this way, my daughter has started having mood issues and trouble in school that she never used to have at our old home, etc. etc.

I feel totally alone. I don't have a job. My wife has always made way more than me, and been the decision maker, even against my expressed wishes. I feel alienated from her completely, and we don't harly talk about anything because she doesn't want to talk. We don't have sex. We don't do things recreationally together. We don't share interests, and like I said, she resents my depression and feelings about the move here. Hell, I resent her for making us move here.

Things were never perfect at our old home, but they had certainly gotten much better, at least for me, in the two years prior to moving. Especially galling is the fact that early in our marriage, I was the one who wanted to move away from where we were, and she would never have any of it. She always said she loved where she was and was never going to move. That was a major issue, but I always gave in, just like I always give in now. She is NEVER the one to compromise.

So meanwhile, my depression has gotten so much worse since we've been here. I'm paranoid to drive, and always seem to get into issue on the road here, which just didn't happen at our old home. I have an explosive temper to the point where I will scream obscenities at and angrily flip off a total stranger because he wasn't paying attention and nearly drove into me (this happened this morning on my way home after dropping my daughter at school). I have told both my therapist and psychiatrist about this anger problem. I punch and hit inanimate objects. On the bright side, I have never been in a physical altercation with someone, nor ever hit my wife or child. I mean, I've never even been in fights as a kid. I am paranoid about getting into trouble, so I seem to have enough control over myself to keep from going too far. Still, the rage is out of control, and who knows what trouble it could cause if it was directed at the wrong person?

Then there's the crying. Nonstop crying. I am caught up in nostalgic thoughts and feelings, wishing I could go back into the past. I remember when my daughter was small, and taking her to the park, and her wanting to hold my hand crossing the parking lot, or playing with chalk on the driveway. I remember teaching her how to ride a bike, watching kids TV shows together. I have been a stay at home dad with her for the last 8 years. She is my life. I feel like her growing up is slowly draining the life from me. I see small kids with their daddies at church or around town, and tears literally fill my eyes. I look at her old toys and pictures here at home, and I fall apart. I am crying typing this.

I have totally lost interest in anything I used to like to do. I was a big sports fan, and also did computer games and fantasy sports. I hate all of it now. It all seems so superficial and meaningless. I literally do nothing.

I guess this is long enough. I am tortured. I am afraid of death, and see it coming at me faster and faster as I get older. I am not healthy, really, being fat, diabetic, and with physical pain all over my body that limits my exercise, though I do attempt to exercise, causing me more physical pain. It's a catch 22 in that regard.

I just feel like life is over, and I'm just killing the time I have left until it ends. I feel like the best is over and finished, that no matter what happens in the future, it will never be as god as the past, and in fact will probably be horrible, whether I get some disease like cancer, or diabetes inflicts kidney failure on me, or my physical pain becomes intolerable.

Despite the fact that I did produce an amazing daughter that I love more than life itself, more than anything, I have failed at every other aspect of life. I am a total failure. I blew my life. There is no changing it, no going back, and no getting better.

I am in total despair.

As long as this post is, I did want to say that like I said near the top of the post, it isn't everything, though it's a good framework. Also, I wanted to mention that not only did we move to a larger city, but it is in a completely different state. I truly hate it here with every fiber of my being. My therapist asked me the other day to try and think of some good things about here. I simply couldn't. To me, there is nothing redeeming about this place.

I think that part of why you might hate where you are living, is because you feel you were forced to move there. Being unhappy with where we are is common, I think, but also can be a state of mind. There is good and bad in every state and every city, I can promise you that having travelled through most of the US.

We can't allow ourselves to say "the best times are over". Life is a rollercoaster, for sure. It is very unpredictable. None of us know what the future holds. I know you talked about your daughter growing up, and it's true. She is. But she is only 10. You still have the rebellious teen years and scaring hopeful boyfriends away with a shotgun phase to look forward to. You still have her getting married to look forward to, and you having grandchildren. Your life is certainly not over, and you still have a lot to look forward to.

I think that keeping your diabetes under control is the first step. If you feel physically healthier, your mind will start to feel healthier too. We all need a support network, too. Especially since it seems your wife isn't that for you. If you could find a way to meet some new people and gain some new friends, I think that'd help a lot. Try to think of a hobby you have that could allow you to be more social, even something simple like going and playing bingo or something lol. Or, you could still take your daughter to parks or go to the movies or what have you.

Hobbies are great, because they give us something to continue to live for. I have a very simple hobby of playing games. You said that seems superficial to you, but I never see it that way. It's something I enjoy, so it's worth it to me. I also am very close to the few friends I have, and I enjoy going out to eat with them or to the movies or even travelling. You don't have to enjoy those same things, but you should try to find something you do enjoy that gets you up every morning.

Lastly, I would say that you need to have a heart to heart with your wife. You really need to discuss with her how you feel, and see if she is open to maybe going to therapy with you and doing couple's counseling. If she refuses, and she continues to ignore your wants, needs, and desires; then maybe you need to break away from that and get a divorce. I know that sounds drastic, but we all deserve to be happy. Just because you are in your late 40's, doesn't mean your life is over or that you are trapped there with your wife for the rest of your life. You have to find yourself, and you need a partner who supports that.

Thank you for your words, ED. I mean that.

I hope you find some help and peace here.

I used to feel the same with my ex-husband and I feel much relieved after the divorce. Thankfully we don't have kids. You said you don't work. You could apply for disability till you found a job. Even I don't work coz apart from depression and anxiety I have short-term memory problems. But I m looking forward to start working again from next year when I hopefully get a little better.

Talking about the nice time spent with your daughter when she was a kid, like Emotionally Dead has said ........ "I know you talked about your daughter growing up, and it's true. She is. But she is only 10. You still have the rebellious teen years and scaring hopeful boyfriends away with a shotgun phase to look forward to. You still have her getting married to look forward to, and you having grandchildren. Your life is certainly not over, and you still have a lot to look forward to."

For exercise you can try walking. Even I can't exercise much coz I feel drained out but walking 3-4days a week may be helpful for a start. You can start with 15mins and gradually increase to 30-40mins over the next 5-6months. You will need to lose weight if you have diabetes and getting a bit thinner is going to make you happy about yourself too.

For diabetes please see an endocrinologist. Diabetes can be vicious. Please don't ignore it.

Do you see a psych doc?I think you may be experiencing depression and anxiety with irritability. I had the same problem and was getting lethargic and losing interest in everyday things yet aggressive at the same time. I used to punch and hit inanimate objects too. My psychdoc prescribed me a small dose of a mood stabiliser(lamotrigine-but it can cause bad life-threatening rashes in some) along with a low dose of an anti-psychotic(amisulphride) and an anti-anxiety med(buspirone) and these helped a lot with the irritability. But the depression is still there and I hope to convince my psychdoc to give me an anti-depressant to pull me up. He is slightly reluctant to prescribe me one coz I have bipolar and it may cause me to relapse to mania. I have had two manic episodes in the past.

Hope these suggestions help and make you feel better. Hugs to you.