Suicidal from childhood memories and mistakes

Hey guys, I'm a 33 year old male who is going through some serious depression almost suicidal. I come from a big family, when I was about 5 years old my older brother and sister who were about 11, basically fooled around with me, just fooling around. When I was about 7-10, whenever my male cousin came to visit we would kind of do the exact same thing, I never really thought anything about it. When I was about 11 years old, I was influenced a lot from pornography on the internet. I started getting curious. I've always had kind of intrusive thoughts through out my life, just kind of some dark thoughts. I was curious and really never thought much about it, but a few years ago it came back into my mind like a freight train. I feel absolutely terrible about it, I just was really curious about it and for some reason didn't think it was a big deal back then. I just hate myself so much for these thoughts and I don't know how to care for myself. I pray and pray but I can never forgive myself. I just really need help and I'm sorry if this was hard for you to read. Thanks

Hello marioluigi: I see this is your first post here on PC. So... welcome to PsychCentral! I hope you find the time you spend here to be of benefit.

I'm sorry you are struggling with these difficult memories. My situation is quite a bit different than yours. But I also struggle with memories of things that I didn't think that much about at the time, but that came back as you say "like a freight train" later on & that still consume me day-after-day. So I believe I have some idea of what you're going through

Unfortunately, we can never go back & change what occurred in the past. (You probably didn't need me to tell you that.) And trying to block or in some other way get rid of intrusive thoughts only makes them keep coming back stronger & more frequently in my experience. (Since I'm an atheist, I haven't tried prayer.) So the only alternative at least from my perspective is to learn to allow intrusive thoughts to come forward, to accept them with lovingkindness & compassion, & to allow them to simply fade at their own pace.

There is a technique I employ for addressing my own intrusive thoughts. It is referred to as "compassionate abiding". Here's a link to a description of the practice. Hopefully it can be of help to you too:

https://mindsetdoc.wordpress.com/201...e-abiding-101/

Here are links to a bunch of articles, from PsychCentral's archives, on the subject of how to let go of the past. There are quite a few of them. But each one is short. So it's not as much as it may appear:

https://psychcentral.com/blog/learni...ys-to-move-on/

https://psychcentral.com/blog/let-go...give-yourself/

https://psychcentral.com/blog/how-to...of-letting-go/

https://psychcentral.com/lib/depress...tive-thoughts/

https://psychcentral.com/blog/lettin...ful-over-time/

https://psychcentral.com/blog/9-ways...tuck-thoughts/

https://psychcentral.com/blog/how-to...nful-emotions/

https://psychcentral.com/blog/what-r...your-life-now/

https://psychcentral.com/blog/learn-...give-yourself/

https://psychcentral.com/blog/start-...-inner-demons/

I hope that you will be able to find a pathway to deep peace within...