[MtnTime2896]

I'll admit it, I had a good couple days. I got to see my fiance and had a date and I was able to see some friends, too. It had taken a lot of energy to do it all but I still did it. One of my friends and I were talking, I had told her that it was nice to see her succeeding more and that she wasn't suffering from SI anymore (she had told me about that the day before). She was quick to downplay her progress but she was able to smile, which made me smile.

Then she said, "It's good to see you doing better." My response came without my conscious' permission; one hell of a sarcastic chuckle blurted out. Then I kinda just stared into space thinking, "I've gotten a lot better at faking." Thing is, I've always been good at faking, she was just a friend I had let my guard down around. Well, it made me reflect on our current friendship. We always had a rule: Put down our facades when we're with each other and be honest. It's come to my attention that I haven't been keeping to that. She added, after my reaction, "Then again, maybe we can't see through some people's facades."

My mind hasn't stopped since she said this. On one hand, now I'm suspicious that she's doing the same thing as me. On the other hand I just can't help but think about the old days (which, admittedly aren't that old and were very dark for both of us); in the beginning she could see right through some of my bs and I her's. At some point, a few months ago, I put up my guard again after a couple years of trying to tear it down. When I was upset, I quit talking about it and just smoked a joint or drank a few beers. She sort of started doing the same thing except she was talking with her mom and became more open in therapy, as well. I was seeing her progress and I didn't want to interfere with it. So I kept things to myself, all the while I was falling apart.

Now, even my closest friend doesn't know what's going on with me. My other friend, who I tried to open up to while in a vulnerable state, shot me down (ended up fighting with me instead) and I haven't tried to talk to him about that stuff since. If I wasn't shut down before that, I definitely became as such since. I haven't been able to talk in therapy for two months and also haven't gone back to see my T in almost three weeks. I'm pretty sure I'm canceling that appointment and all future ones, though my mom is wanting me to see him one last time this week before I make that decision. I had shut down and lied to my pdoc last month when he asked about my SI, depression and psychotic features (well, I was more sarcastic than untruthful and he didn't seem to notice the sarcasm).

At this point, the most I'm talking and opening up is on here. Even then, I've started and cancelled thread after thread, response after response. I mean, what do I say anymore that people haven't already heard. I'm tired of whining, I'm tired of seeking help, I'm tired of letting people close and I'm just sick of talking. I've said it all before and nothing changed. In some ways, I've really gotten worse and I know that, but what do I do about this ****? Go IP? Locked up for a week or two, patted on the back for working the program then off I go to repeat; that's not going to help me. All they really do is medicate and I'm not going back on medication that my insurance can just take away at will, and medication that ultimately makes me physically/mentally feel like ****. I'm not doing it. I know I'm bad, I know I have a plan and I know that I'm barely holding myself together, but nothing helps.

So, what's the point in talking about it? What's the point of this novel of a post? I don't know, I'm rambling like I always do now, but I'm getting it out while my thoughts are working. Since most of the time it feels like my mind is stuttering.

[sugarbeeMe]

I’m so sorry you are suffering! When my depression kicks in, I can’t think well either. To me it feels like something in my brain is shrinking. It’s awful! Proper messages are unable to cross dendrites. I believe that is why our thoughts are so distorted. What are you doing help your brain to be as healthy as possible?

[MtnTime2896]

Originally Posted by sugarbeeMe

I’m so sorry you are suffering! When my depression kicks in, I can’t think well either. To me it feels like something in my brain is shrinking. It’s awful! Proper messages are unable to cross dendrites. I believe that is why our thoughts are so distorted. What are you doing help your brain to be as healthy as possible?

At this point, I'm just trying to get some sleep. Sleep it off, sleep it off... if only I could get some real sleep. Other than that, just music. Just trying to relax and slow down my thoughts.

[Crypts_Of_The_Mind]

I'll admit it, I had a good couple days. I got to see my fiance and had a date and I was able to see some friends, too. It had taken a lot of energy to do it all but I still did it.

I don't know if you are truly proud of yourself or not - I am. You know why? Having a good day is not just luck. It takes decision making. You have to make decisions that allow you to be content or happy rather than sad or angry or depressed. Have you given yourself credit for that? If not - you need to - now. Then celebrate. Celebrate what? Your victory. Victory of what? Of conquering depression for TWO days, not just One - but TWO!!! ❤

One of my friends and I were talking, I had told her that it was nice to see her succeeding more and that she wasn't suffering from SI anymore (she had told me about that the day before). She was quick to downplay her progress but she was able to smile, which made me smile.

YOU smiled?! That is so awesome!!! I never thought I would see you say that. Wow - that makes me soo happy, you just don't know!!
*hugs*
You have come so far since last we spoke ❤

Then she said, "It's good to see you doing better."

If it has been as long between times for her as for me talking to you - I can understand.. It is not all play acting. You just don't see it bc you live with it day in n day out. ❤

My response came without my conscious' permission; one hell of a sarcastic chuckle blurted out. Then I kinda just stared into space thinking, "I've gotten a lot better at faking." Thing is, I've always been good at faking, she was just a friend I had let my guard down around. Well, it made me reflect on our current friendship. We always had a rule: Put down our facades when we're with each other and be honest.

Why not be honest with her now?

It's come to my attention that I haven't been keeping to that. She added, after my reaction, "Then again, maybe we can't see through some people's facades."

My mind hasn't stopped since she said this.

She probably wants your honesty again.

On one hand, now I'm suspicious that she's doing the same thing as me.

It's normal to suspect others of things you are doing .. that way you don't have to feel as guilty. Doesn't mean the other person is guilty though.

On the other hand I just can't help but think about the old days (which, admittedly aren't that old and were very dark for both of us); in the beginning she could see right through some of my bs and I her's.

You miss the honesty too - why not be honest again?

At some point, a few months ago, I put up my guard again after a couple years of trying to tear it down. When I was upset, I quit talking about it and just smoked a joint or drank a few beers. She sort of started doing the same thing except she was talking with her mom and became more open in therapy, as well.

Sounds like you were good for each other - following one another's healthy examples instead of feeding off your pain.

I was seeing her progress and I didn't want to interfere with it. So I kept things to myself, all the while I was falling apart.

Not accusing here .. asking you to step back and reevaluate - could that have been jealousy that she was healing faster than you? Could that be part of what holds you back now? The thought that "if I couldn't do it as fast as she could n I did everything just like her - maybe I can't do it at all"?

Now, even my closest friend doesn't know what's going on with me. My other friend, who I tried to open up to while in a vulnerable state, shot me down (ended up fighting with me instead) and I haven't tried to talk to him about that stuff since. If I wasn't shut down before that, I definitely became as such since. I haven't been able to talk in therapy for two months and also haven't gone back to see my T in almost three weeks. I'm pretty sure I'm canceling that appointment and all future ones, though my mom is wanting me to see him one last time this week before I make that decision. I had shut down and lied to my pdoc last month when he asked about my SI, depression and psychotic features (well, I was more sarcastic than untruthful and he didn't seem to notice the sarcasm).

Again - this sounds like you are yearning for someone to hear the truth. I believe your friend wants to. Your therapist probably does too. Which do you feel more comfortable with? Or would it be good to get advice n support from both?

At this point, the most I'm talking and opening up is on here. Even then, I've started and cancelled thread after thread, response after response.

Anyway you open up is good.

I mean, what do I say anymore that people haven't already heard. I'm tired of whining, I'm tired of seeking help, I'm tired of letting people close and I'm just sick of talking. I've said it all before and nothing changed.

You keep saying it til you feel heard. Til you feel you understand yourself or someone understands you and can explain it to you to help you understand.

In some ways, I've really gotten worse and I know that, but what do I do about this ****? Go IP? Locked up for a week or two, patted on the back for working the program then off I go to repeat; that's not going to help me. All they really do is medicate and I'm not going back on medication that my insurance can just take away at will, and medication that ultimately makes me physically/mentally feel like ****. I'm not doing it. I know I'm bad, I know I have a plan and I know that I'm barely holding myself together, but nothing helps.

I agree IP is a money racket. The only thing it is good for is to keep you safe until the immediate urge to do "bad things" passes.

So, what's the point in talking about it? What's the point of this novel of a post? I don't know, I'm rambling like I always do now, but I'm getting it out while my thoughts are working. Since most of the time it feels like my mind is stuttering.

The point is releasing tension that has been stored. The more you release it - the easier it will be to find the way "back to health". ❤

[mote.of.soul]

Hello. I can relate to quite a number of aspects you mentioned there Só leigheas, so it's helped me on a particular level. Just keep hanging in there please, you're not a bad person. I think your rationales are quite sound, tbh, so keep ploughing ahead.

[MtnTime2896]

I don't know if you are truly proud of yourself or not - I am. You know why? Having a good day is not just luck. It takes decision making. You have to make decisions that allow you to be content or happy rather than sad or angry or depressed. Have you given yourself credit for that? If not - you need to - now. Then celebrate. Celebrate what? Your victory. Victory of what? Of conquering depression for TWO days, not just One - but TWO!!!

I'm afraid it isn't much of a victory. More like a selfish break from solitude and the mindset of something even more "selfish", at least what society deems as such.

YOU smiled?! That is so awesome!!! I never thought I would see you say that. Wow - that makes me soo happy, you just don't know!!
*hugs*
You have come so far since last we spoke

I agree I've come far but not forward, or maybe even backward, just different. Though I'll admit, genuinely smiling felt like a victory.

If it has been as long between times for her as for me talking to you - I can understand.. It is not all play acting. You just don't see it bc you live with it day in n day out

I don't believe it's been as long. You could be right, I could just be too wrapped up in it all to see progress, but I really do feel like I'm a shell most of the time, a shell feigning happiness.

Why not be honest with her now?

Quote:
It's come to my attention that I haven't been keeping to that. She added, after my reaction, "Then again, maybe we can't see through some people's facades."

My mind hasn't stopped since she said this.

She probably wants your honesty again.

She probably does, but how can I? She's content-ish and moving forward. She's worked for it, clawed for it and almost died getting here. What kind of monster would I be to ruin that for her by making her worry about me? I know I'm not a good person but I'm trying to make up for that, somehow.

You miss the honesty too - why not be honest again?

I can't bring her down. I'm willing to sacrifice us talking if it means she can achieve happiness. Without me around as much, everyone's seen her progress, stepping aside is the least I can do.

Not accusing here .. asking you to step back and reevaluate - could that have been jealousy that she was healing faster than you? Could that be part of what holds you back now? The thought that "if I couldn't do it as fast as she could n I did everything just like her - maybe I can't do it at all"?

I'll be the first to admit that I am jealous. We became friends long after I began my search to get better. I took her to her first therapy appointment. I took her to IP after her attempt. I watched her sink just as low, or maybe even lower than myself. In less time than me, by far, she's found contentment. I'm proud of her and I'm relieved she's gotten to this point, but I always knew she'd be the one to make it. I was jealous from the beginning because of that. I feel so guilty for it. I shouldn't feel that way towards a friend who's close enough to be family. It's wrong.

Again - this sounds like you are yearning for someone to hear the truth. I believe your friend wants to. Your therapist probably does too. Which do you feel more comfortable with? Or would it be good to get advice n support from both?

I can't tell my friend, I don't want her to hear anymore. If I could erase what she already knows, I'd do it in a heartbeat. And my T, he doesn't get it past a certain point. These thoughts of mine, he can't even make sense of. When I was trying to explain, he said something that got under my skin, I drew the line after that. To be honest, I just shut down on him afterwards.... Like I always seem to do with everyone.

The point is releasing tension that has been stored. The more you release it - the easier it will be to find the way "back to health".

Some evil deeds should never be released. Sometimes it's best to let the evil follow into the grave. I don't deserve release.

Everything you said, it means something to me, I forget how much we used to help each other. Thank you for being here again.

[MtnTime2896]

Originally Posted by mote.of.soul

Hello. I can relate to quite a number of aspects you mentioned there Só leigheas, so it's helped me on a particular level. Just keep hanging in there please, you're not a bad person. I think your rationales are quite sound, tbh, so keep ploughing ahead.

It's good that this was able to help, I wish I could do more for you.

[mote.of.soul]

Originally Posted by Só leigheas

It's good that this was able to help, I wish I could do more for you.

You can pay me back by posting well into your eighties. I think that's fair enough.

[Crypts_Of_The_Mind]

I'm afraid it isn't much of a victory. More li a selfish break from solitude and the mindset of something even more "selfish", at least what society deems as such.[QUOTE/]

This feels like arguing over semantics to me - and I refuse to do that. I am proud of you. You are in no way selfish. You have overcome a lot. Be proud of that. Celebrate that if nothing else. You're a warrior. ❤

Because smiling WAS and IS a victory - something you have not done since I have known you *hugs* I think your friend recognized that genuineness in you - that genuine happiness .. no matter how fleeting, it was there! You ARE moving forward - there is no other which way you can move to feel any measure of happiness *hugs*

I don't believe it's been as long. You could be right, I could just be too wrapped up in it all to see progress, but I really do feel like I'm a shell most of the time, a shell feigning happiness.

I was like that at one time too - still have passing moments like that from time to time, I found a way of taking care of myself bc I realized the doctors just weren't. I don't know if they didn't care or didn't know how or weren't allowed to use what they knew I needed - but they were not helping. So .. I took the advice I knew helped at all from them, and went off on my own researching things out. There are "safe" natural things you can do for depression - bc it turns out our brains have 4 chemicals that cause "happiness" in us. So - if you are "low" in any of them, you will feel low. Here is a site that gives some info on that along with a few examples of things you can do to boost each thing. http://www.indiatimes.com/health/hea...em-242282.html

There are also natural things you can do but are recommended to do under the care of a holistic doctor - like diet changes, vitamins and supplements, essential oils, etc

She probably does, but how can I? She's content-ish and moving forward. She's worked for it, clawed for it and almost died getting here. What kind of monster would I be to ruin that for her by making her worry about me? I know I'm not a good person but I'm trying to make up for that, somehow.

By not being open n honest with her like you used to, she will feel like she lost a good friend. Losing a friend hurts - losing a good friend is similar to a death. She may end up blaming herself for being better. You can be honest with her simply bc she cares - and so do you. ❤

I can't bring her down. I'm willing to sacrifice us talking if it means she can achieve happiness. Without me around as much, everyone's seen her progress, stepping aside is the least I can do.

Sacrificing your friendship not only means sacrificing her support for you - but your support for her too. Just bc she is happy now doesn't mean she will never hit another snag. I know I do - and when I do, there is nobody to turn to. That's rough. Will she have anyone? Will you? The two of you were good together. You did not feed off each other's negativity then - why would you now? Why drop a good support system?

I'll be the first to admit that I am jealous. We became friends long after I began my search to get better. I took her to her first therapy appointment. I took her to IP after her attempt. I watched her sink just as low, or maybe even lower than myself. In less time than me, by far, she's found contentment. I'm proud of her and I'm relieved she's gotten to this point, but I always knew she'd be the one to make it. I was jealous from the beginning because of that. I feel so guilty for it. I shouldn't feel that way towards a friend who's close enough to be family. It's wrong.

It's actually quite natural. You have worked hard. You want to be in that same place. Problem is - mental health is not a "one size fits all" - bc we are all unique. That's why you need to find what works for you n stop waiting on others to either find "the magic words" or the "magic pill" or the "magic method". Any of it takes work - but I think you have been working. I sincerely think holistic meds would be better for you - but that is for you to decide. ❤

I can't tell my friend, I don't want her to hear anymore. If I could erase what she already knows, I'd do it in a heartbeat. And my T, he doesn't get it past a certain point. These thoughts of mine, he can't even make sense of. When I was trying to explain, he said something that got under my skin, I drew the line after that. To be honest, I just shut down on him afterwards.... Like I always seem to do with everyone.

I never trusted my T's after a certain point either, so I understand. You can open up to your friend - if you WANT to ...

Some evil deeds should never be released. Sometimes it's best to let the evil follow into the grave. I don't deserve release.[

Everything you said, it means something to me, I forget how much we used to help each other. Thank you for being here again.

Honestly not going to argue with you over evil deeds or not - that's pointless. You obviously feel guilt. It's those things that make us feel the guiltiest that need exposed the most. ❤

YOU have helped me more than you can probably ever realize. You are part of how I hot to the place I am in today. That means you are a part of at least 2 ppl healing. If you can help ppl heal - you have the strength within you .. you just have to let go of the fear of fighting YOUR demons.

[sugarbeeMe]

Disruptive sleep patterns is also part of depression. I imagine that certain messages are unable to cross because seretonin is unable deliver. You probably know all this. Music is really good. Have you tried nature? That always helps me find a sense of calmness. Try to stay away from. Refined sugar. Even when my med is working, a big chunk of sugar will somehow disrupt my thinking and mood.

[sugarbeeMe]

I agree that T sometimes or oftentimes don’t really “get it”. If they have not personally experienced depression, then how could they really understand? One of my mantras are “Take the good and leave the rest. “
I know you feel lots of guilt. Do you think you love yourself? I had act as if I loved myself for a long time. Then, one day I realized yes I do love me, and I’m willing to fight for me.

[MtnTime2896]

Originally Posted by sugarbeeMe

I know you feel lots of guilt. Do you think you love yourself?

No, I really don't.

[sugarbeeMe]

Maybe that is the next place to start. Love is a strong motivator. Everyone deserves love. Even you. Try acting “as if” you do. How would that look? ❤️ to us all.