[Skull&Crossbones]

I'm pretty much guaranteed to become severely depressed through October and into November, but this year (and I think last year), I'm depressed for a less specific reason (and more agitated than straight up tired). But I thought you only had SAD in the winter OR the summer. I think I would feel better if we actually got spring and fall where I live. It's either freezing or 90+ degrees with a stupid amount of humidity.

Maybe it's because in the summer I have to constantly work and never get to relax much. I'm trying to balance working more or less full time with a class (6 hours a week in class, probably about 6 more hours at least outside of class). 50+ hours a week would be fine if I were getting paid for all of it, getting paid more than slightly over minimum wage, and enjoyed more of it.

I used to enjoy it, so maybe feeling depressed is making it harder to enjoy? Maybe I just don't have the patience anymore.

I've wanted to seek treatment for a while now, but my insurance changes every year so I'd have no consistency and I wouldn't be sure I would be able to stay on medications. Besides, my depression is due to life circumstances, not chemicals. I'm not one of those people who has a perfect life and is so surprised they're depressed. I basically have nothing I want out of life and I'm tired of spending time, money, and effort not getting anywhere.

I wanted to improve my self-worth through education. That did the opposite. I'm unable to get my needs met through relationships. The strange estrangement I have from my family (for NO REASON) has hurt me so much and damaged my ability to develop relationships with others. I can't get my needs met in a romantic relationship. We've been together for almost four years and still can't live together. And since we live an hour apart now, there's this large divide so there's not enough intimacy.

Is it SAD or just general depression? If it's because of my life, is there even anything I can do about it?

[Skull&Crossbones]

I guess I should also add that me being depressed (especially the winter months) has caused my partner to want to leave me and last winter he didn't speak with me for a week+ all because our therapist said another option besides leaving me was to take a "break". Of course, I didn't have a choice in the matter.

How do I hide how I feel from someone who knows my moods and patterns? Maybe I should take the initiative this year and just not talk to him October going into November. That'll probably be the ultimate reason why I'll always live alone.

the part of the post that jumped out at me was:

I used to enjoy it, so maybe feeling depressed is making it harder to enjoy? Maybe I just don't have the patience anymore.

or maybe you want to move on.. maybe their's something else you want to do in sted.

can you think of anything?. anything you would prefer?

if indeed your depression is caused by your life, let me say this:

nothing lasts for ever and things will get better for you.

keep posting here if it helps

[Skull&Crossbones]

I have moved on...I quit my full-time job during the school year so I could go back and get certified to teach in the subject area I have degrees in. I've been working with special needs populations and while I like it, it's just not fulfilling.

But there's the financial reality of doing that...I never made much more than I needed to survive so I don't have that much in savings and I'm not eligible for ANY financial aid (otherwise I could probably get a grant ) so I have to borrow more money from family. I feel guilty and like such a failure. It's not like they don't have any money, but why are they wasting it all on me? I'm working as much as I feel I can this summer and I'm not sure if I'm going to be able to save much.

It just seems like everything stays the same or gets worse...who knows if I'll be able to even get a job as a teacher after I get certified and who knows, maybe I won't like it like I think I will. I know that taking the education classes make me not want to do it even though it was the real-world interactions with teachers and students that made me want to. And maybe like with everything else in my life, I just don't have what it takes.

I just wish I had outlets for creativity...I just feel so dead inside not having a reason to create anything. I have no idea where to even start pursuing the things I'd like to do. What hurts is that a normal person would have accomplished some of this stuff by college, if not high school. I may very well be teaching students in the future that are living some of my dreams because this stuff is easy to do if you have friends and connect with people. Unfortunately, I don't really.

Which is another thing that makes me feel worse. I've been chronically lonely for years. I have to live alone and I was pretty much estranged from my family. At least on an emotional level. I rarely make what I would consider friends and I just don't really have the skills I guess to keep them. I have a long-term romantic partner, but he lives an hour away and I feel so disconnected from him. And because of jobs/school/financial reasons, we can't really move in together. Every year, it's always maybe next year. And everyone else around us (many much younger) are moving in together, getting married, having children, etc. I get asked if we just don't believe in marriage and all that. After two coworkers got engaged/married and one had a baby last year, I just can't for much longer.

I just want a family of some sort and a group of people I can really connect with. I'm tired of being alone even when I don't need or want to be.