I had a little 15 minute phone chat with a therapist today, and I told her that my immediate goal was managing depression so that I could make the most of the opportunities I am given and help myself gain momentum in my career. Then she said she could take me on as a client, because she knew she could help me, having helped many people who had "depression a little bit, just enough to impact their daily functioning".

This seemed a little suspicious to me because I don't know if she was too quick to judge. I also had a feeling she saw me as, overall, quite competent. I don't know what I feel about this, because I think if she sees me as a competent, career driven individual, she won't see how desperately depressed and malfunctioning I am. I don't know if I am just a little depressed. Maybe it's more?

To give her an understanding of what lurks behind the innocuous sentence "managing depression to gain momentum in career," I then told her I wanted to deal with father issues and childhood as well, and that I have trust issues and for her not to expect me to express outwardly any signs of trust. She said that would be fine. I bit my tongue after that, because I didn't want to speak about myself, I guess.

I just think there is no point if the therapist thinks I have it all together.

I don't know truly if my depression is bad or not. Maybe it isn't so bad. I feel very strange now, because perhaps I am not so sick after all.

I don't think I will be contacting her again, though she was professional and I can see us getting along to an extent.

I just think it is a waste of money if the therapist isn't going to understand. In general it is just a waste of money. Perhaps I am not depressed at all. I don't trust this person. I don't see myself opening up, not to anyone. It is much too unnatural for me. I seem to have walls where I don't see them. I have been told I am unapproachable, hard to know, and slow to build relationships, slow to trust.

I think maybe I just have to do this myself.

I'm not sure what the point is of therapy? I'm not sure how any help will actually be received. All I see is money being stolen from me, and a blank, bored face sitting across from me waiting for the session to be over. In my experience only one therapist was kind enough to try to see me. I was supposed to be flattered that she tried, even if she failed or perhaps didn't have enough time to get to know me. The rest of the therapists I have seen only see one side to me.

I don't think I have any problems. I can't imagine speaking about self injury with that therapist or any feelings at all, really. Certainly not any issues worth speaking about. I am not sure why any therapist would waste their time on me, or why I would waste my time on them. What happens after you trust someone? I have been led to believe I have never trusted, not really. I believe if you trust a therapist, the world comes crashing down and disasters happen. That is not something I want, it is distasteful to me.

Honestly I feel just fine.

Originally Posted by emptynightmare

I had a little 15 minute phone chat with a therapist today, and I told her that my immediate goal was managing depression so that I could make the most of the opportunities I am given and help myself gain momentum in my career. Then she said she could take me on as a client, because she knew she could help me, having helped many people who had "depression a little bit, just enough to impact their daily functioning".

This seemed a little suspicious to me because I don't know if she was too quick to judge. I also had a feeling she saw me as, overall, quite competent. I don't know what I feel about this, because I think if she sees me as a competent, career driven individual, she won't see how desperately depressed and malfunctioning I am. I don't know if I am just a little depressed. Maybe it's more?

To give her an understanding of what lurks behind the innocuous sentence "managing depression to gain momentum in career," I then told her I wanted to deal with father issues and childhood as well, and that I have trust issues and for her not to expect me to express outwardly any signs of trust. She said that would be fine. I bit my tongue after that, because I didn't want to speak about myself, I guess.

I just think there is no point if the therapist thinks I have it all together.

I don't know truly if my depression is bad or not. Maybe it isn't so bad. I feel very strange now, because perhaps I am not so sick after all.

I don't think I will be contacting her again, though she was professional and I can see us getting along to an extent.

I just think it is a waste of money if the therapist isn't going to understand. In general it is just a waste of money. Perhaps I am not depressed at all. I don't trust this person. I don't see myself opening up, not to anyone. It is much too unnatural for me. I seem to have walls where I don't see them. I have been told I am unapproachable, hard to know, and slow to build relationships, slow to trust.

I think maybe I just have to do this myself.

I'm not sure what the point is of therapy? I'm not sure how any help will actually be received. All I see is money being stolen from me, and a blank, bored face sitting across from me waiting for the session to be over. In my experience only one therapist was kind enough to try to see me. I was supposed to be flattered that she tried, even if she failed or perhaps didn't have enough time to get to know me. The rest of the therapists I have seen only see one side to me.

I don't think I have any problems. I can't imagine speaking about self injury with that therapist or any feelings at all, really. Certainly not any issues worth speaking about. I am not sure why any therapist would waste their time on me, or why I would waste my time on them. What happens after you trust someone? I have been led to believe I have never trusted, not really. I believe if you trust a therapist, the world comes crashing down and disasters happen. That is not something I want, it is distasteful to me.

Honestly I feel just fine.

I know what you mean. I have a horrible phobia of expressing my inner most thoughts to a person I do not even know. Online it's one thing, because you don't see anyone and you can use an assumed name.

I may email back and request another phone call to express these concerns before committing.

If anything, therapy might help me refine how I consider my childhood. I am beginning to think nothing was wrong, perhaps I was unable to read the cultural nuances, but there are many ways to shape hindsight, almost too many. Some of it was pathetic and cruel, and sometimes I feel very sad remembering how pathetic I was. It seems that in some aspects I never stood a chance.

I think the problem is that I want to be seen in therapy, in real life, too. That is, I think, perhaps unreasonable. The only one who can see me is myself. I think I deeply ache to be seen because I have always been very separate from others, even separate from myself. But I just can't have this, because it's unreasonable.

If I don't agree with the therapist, I won't listen. Simple. After all, I have always tried and mostly succeeded at having an independent mind, even as a child. I think that my need to starkly stand independently from others is a trait I have always had.

I wonder if it's even possible to be seen and maintain independence simultaneously. I know it's possible to be dependent without being seen.

Work has been going a little bit better, better socializing with men. I am trying to be patient in my growth so that I don't injure myself by trying too hard too quickly. I am trying to maintain a high standard, a controlled marathon.

Again I realize I am mostly talking to myself here. Only I can understand myself 100%. But it is good to write. And I want to believe that speaking makes a difference. Perhaps if I believe that, I also believe that the silence enforced in my childhood can be overcome.

Originally Posted by emptynightmare

I may email back and request another phone call to express these concerns before committing.

If anything, therapy might help me refine how I consider my childhood. I am beginning to think nothing was wrong, perhaps I was unable to read the cultural nuances, but there are many ways to shape hindsight, almost too many. Some of it was pathetic and cruel, and sometimes I feel very sad remembering how pathetic I was. It seems that in some aspects I never stood a chance.

I think the problem is that I want to be seen in therapy, in real life, too. That is, I think, perhaps unreasonable. The only one who can see me is myself. I think I deeply ache to be seen because I have always been very separate from others, even separate from myself. But I just can't have this, because it's unreasonable.

If I don't agree with the therapist, I won't listen. Simple. After all, I have always tried and mostly succeeded at having an independent mind, even as a child. I think that my need to starkly stand independently from others is a trait I have always had.

I wonder if it's even possible to be seen and maintain independence simultaneously. I know it's possible to be dependent without being seen.

Work has been going a little bit better, better socializing with men. I am trying to be patient in my growth so that I don't injure myself by trying too hard too quickly. I am trying to maintain a high standard, a controlled marathon.

Again I realize I am mostly talking to myself here. Only I can understand myself 100%. But it is good to write. And I want to believe that speaking makes a difference. Perhaps if I believe that, I also believe that the silence enforced in my childhood can be overcome.

It sounds like you pretty well know what you want, it's just a matter of finding a way to bring it to fruition.


You also have a way with words. You could really go somewhere with that.

Originally Posted by StarGazer28

It sounds like you pretty well know what you want, it's just a matter of finding a way to bring it to fruition.


You also have a way with words. You could really go somewhere with that.

Thanks! People have said I have a way with words. I feel I've lost my creativity with that, though.

Exactly the opposite. I don't know what I want at all and I want help with deciding. I'm afraid that the therapist will see me as knowing. Or, on the opposite end, as not knowing and then proceed to walk all over me.

I have always just gotten by, just barely, and so I never got help. I guess I was also ignored too or overlooked.