People like us

A lot of the depression I felt growing up was because I felt like we were poor. I can remember that my mum wouldn't book a taxi for the weekly shop some weeks and get us all to carry the bags home in a procession. There was always heavy bags of fizzy juice and cr^p we didnt need. A taxi would have cost 3.50 or less. People must have questioned why my mum didn't get a taxi or the bus and made her young kids march home with bags and bags of shopping. My mum liked to make a big drama of everything and part of her wanted people to feel sorry for her. When In the car with Fred I would often see my step nan struggling home with bags in both arms from the supermarket and it would bring it all back. My step granda said that people like us don't own houses when dad and aunt proposed the idea. That's how I felt about university and my life chances. Someone from my background understands that reality is stranger than fiction. Fearing what people thinks about you constantly and that one day I would be rumbled as a fraud If I ever made head way. Everybody expected far too much from me. But nobody offered any help.or support or encouragement. So sometimes I just wanted to be left alone.

There’s something to what you said about your mom wanting pity instead of making better choices. I’m sure we all fall into that trap at times but some more than others. It’s ok to want to be left alone. Especially if you’ve been in an unhealthy environment. Don’t worry about their help, support or encouragement. Have the expectations for yourself and do it for you and nobody else.

I'm sorry you've had to live through that.

If I put it in perspective, the supermarket was only ten minutes across the park from our home. We didn't do it all the time, such as If it was pelting down rain. I remember my cousins visiting one time And my mum made a spectacle of the shopping trip and made sure we walked home with everything and they helped in attempt to put them on a guilt trip for being more well off than us. I always lost it when they visited. Why do you plead poverty all the time? I would question out loud so my uncle could hear.
If I am honest there are millions in my country who were FAR far worse off than us. Single parents who make sacrifices like skipping meals to feed their kids or taking two or even three part time jobs to give them what their peers had.
My sibling and I were so lucky we had our grandparents. And David was 21 when my mum fell pregnant. I understood his frustration and Fred was completely wrong to suggest I misplaced my feelings of resentment onto him from my dad. His job wasn't great pay twenty five years ago. The wages got better. He would say that the reason he stayed around was for Gary AND me.

I am sorry for you. I come from similar background. Except I am not from the west. I come from a developing country. My father has a hefty paycheck (I don't want to be identified so I'll not give the exact amount) yet always yells at me for bills and even thinks everything is money. I ask for a motorbike, "we don't have money for that." I ask for a new computer, "we don't have money for that." I ask him to buy Amazon prime for me (so I can watch my favorite TV series)


Even better, he tells me I am too incompetent "to be the breadwinner of our family" and that I will end up begging. That doesn't end there, he tells me he doesn't have the money to pay my medical bills.


I know how it's like, I really do. The feeling is making me to take my life away.

I'm sorry for suggesting that you were only interested in a psychology course because I needed fixing. And sunny disposition was the one who misunderstood that you were saying I was a little rogue at times - a wee divil at times. Back when you said that however I was not a little divil. I was high strung and hot headed at times but it was because I wanted make a life for myself and be someone. I only drunk at my friends birthday parties and I got top marks in science! I wanted to make a difference. I wasn't in trouble as a youngster. So what if I went in a huff, don't most young girls do that ! I had reasons to when I felt ignored compared to my brother. My brother would wind up my mum and make her laugh where I got the cold shoulder and my mum and me were always at logger heads.

My parents were never very good at dealing with the tough times, it was always aunty or nan who stepped in. Thanks for putting up with my nonsense. And I guess my bro will find his own solution. And I didn't think things would ever be calm again between me and my parents. I don't want to jinx things though. And I call my step dad, dad. He was the one who cooked me tea when mum worked late at the bar. Even if I did moan that shortcrust pastry wasn't my favourite. He taught me how to ride a bike. Took us cycle runs on Sunday. Worked extra to fund our hobbies. He gave us lectures if we fought with our friends. He provided everything we needed. My father was absent. Too wrapped up in himself. My mum was right that I was settled in a home. My father just showed out of the blue, disrupting my equilibrium. But I can't change what's done. And I won't ever talk to him again. It's not a hard choice, the decision could only go one way really.

People were filling my parents heads full of horror stories when I got un well. Such as most people who go there once never get better and are back and forth until they die. And I guess my dad was trying to be the macho man when he had enough lager and let his stomach rumble. So I shouldn't take what he said literally.
I might have never needed an in- patient stay ever again. I got my meds switched as an out patient when I over dosed. I might never have left Fred! I will never know so there is no point reflecting. But if I had got a job that I was at least partly content with or proud of then we may have stayed together. But my mother Told me I was too old to get an office apprenticeship/junior/trainee etc. even though I was only 18. I couldn't forget the amount of times she told me I had to accept "something was wrong with me" and that was that. She tried to tell the doctor she was looking after me, when she heated up one tin of tomato soup for me when I got the flu at one appointment. The doctor didn't take any notice when I fervently pointed out I had a flu and anyone can work a microwave. I was so shocked that my mum offered to do something for ME I said yes I would like soup. And she decides to tell my doctor. Once it was.
I just couldn't shake that people thought there was "something wrong with me" She said that a guy who was in and out of the hospital was in her work and a colleague said is there something wrong with him and my mum explained she had seen him in hospital and when telling me the story said that she told the colleague that at least you can't tell by looking at me that there was something wrong with me. I just let it wash over my head even though I was a bit miffed.
All of mine and Freds disagreements ended with him saying I needed help, something was wrong in my head or he'd become pushy, and say why don't you try and hit me that will solve things. You know you can't. He would say let's have a meeting and sit down with your mum and dad. We will lock you up in hospital until you realise what's good for you. You don't mean it when you say you dont love me. Its the other you. Do you know how lucky someone like you is , to have someone like me?
He would get mad if I didn't give him a hug when he told what he considered to be a funny joke and called me a cold hearted b^tch.
I didn't call him anything. I would tell him he would be a great dad. Or with his connections could be a property developer. I just hated how he got in fights all the time. We fell out like most couples. I just felt suffocated and trapped that was it. We live in each others pockets I would say.
Without his old posse he was lost. And I tried and tried and better tried to get him to do something about it. He wouldn't setup a Facebook. He wouldn't join up to anything. We spoke to people all the time when out in the pub but he wouldn't text anyone. It was only when I left that he knew he had to get back out there and get his act together. And I bet my bottom dollar he blames me for holding him back. When it was me who gave up all my aspirations for him because I felt like I owed him for standing by me when most told him the same horror stories as my parents.