I have been slipping back. It started with not taking my eve walks, sleeping too much, not being able to clean my room.....now I don't feel like taking shower even. I want to stay in bed the whole day. I don't like this. I have to force myself to follow my daily plan. I really don't know what to do I feel so lazy, unmotivated and sleepy all the time. I guess apart from the depression my meds are sedating me too. I took my night meds much earlier today...by 9pm and not around 10:30pm so that I don't sleep till noon tomorrow. Also I m going to reduce my noon anti-anxiety med from 10mg to 5mg. It makes me sleepy all the time. Hope this will help.
Hopefully I'll be able to get back to where I was a week ago and not sink into the hell hole once again. I feel whiny and frustrated.

And I don't want to do anything or even live, I just want to die. But I lack the ideas to suicide, only a gunshot can do it.... we don't have a gun.

Originally Posted by TheLonelyChemist

And I don't want to do anything or even live, I just want to die. But I lack the ideas to suicide, only a gunshot can do it.... we don't have a gun.

No I don't want to die. I just want to get better and not stay in bed the whole day....to be able to exercise, take my eve walks, clean my room, shower.

I want to go out with friends riding a KTM or a bullet. I cannot ride a bicycle yet I am almost 18.

I just want to be a normal person.

The horrible things that happened to me just keep repeating in my head.

[MickeyCheeky]

I understand how you feel

Originally Posted by TheLonelyChemist

I want to go out with friends riding a KTM or a bullet. I cannot ride a bicycle yet I am almost 18.

I want to learn how to drive a car. But my reflexes are too poor and my reaction time is too high. I won't be able to learn driving right now. I'll have to wait....till I get better and faster.

But you're out of toxic environment, I on the other hand have to face idiots all the time.

And I don't want to end up telling people alternatively "You're wrong, I can...." and "You're wrong, I cannot..." making dead ends for myself.

If I had been healthier I would have been socializing instead. Now I am left with... what but nothingness and pain?

Originally Posted by TheLonelyChemist

But you're out of toxic environment, I on the other hand have to face idiots all the time.

Yeah I m out of toxic environment at home. But my voices torture me all the time. But I better shut my mouth up. I don't want to discuss about the voices.

What's your recommendation for me?

Originally Posted by TheLonelyChemist

If I had been healthier I would have been socializing instead. Now I am left with... what but nothingness and pain?

I guess your anti-psychotics and mood stabilizer are getting you depressed. You need to talk to your doctor. Maybe he'll reduce the dosage of your aps or add an anti-depressant if he feels you need one.

I don't know.... why did I lose the chance I was given at life, being born for being disabled?

Originally Posted by TheLonelyChemist

I don't know.... why did I lose the chance I was given at life, being born for being disabled?

You have to accept the fact that you have been abused and not run away from your feelings. The experiences have been bad and shouldn't have happened. But you or anyone else cannot go back to the past and delete them. I had been sexually abused by a so-called uncle at home for one whole year when I was a kid. When I understood what was happening I told my mom and he was thrown out of the house. I was in an abusive marriage for about 5-6years where I was frequently beaten up and verbally abused. Then a year ago when I got agitated and was breaking things, my mom and dad beat me up together for over an hr and got people to forcibly lock me up in a psych hospital. I have accepted these experiences, acknowledged that they are bad but I told myself not to cling to them and grieve over them but move on. You have to try to do the same.

I did that a while ago. I ended up with the feeling of nothingness.... and so much more. Wish I could just get out. Nope, not that either.

Originally Posted by TheLonelyChemist

I want to go out with friends riding a KTM or a bullet. I cannot ride a bicycle yet I am almost 18.

Even I don't know how to ride a bicycle. My bf reassured me that he is going to teach me how to ride a bike and swimming as well when I move in with him.

You know how grandiose I am. I daydream of me being a superhero of some sort. While listening to music or pacing in the house. I cannot do anything, I cannot live, I cannot die. What now... and I certainly don't want to irritate you either, but I am just not feeling okay. I haven't shaved since three weeks. I didn't cut my nails even after my dad told me to cut 'em for a week. I just don't want to live. I accept it, hard to tell to parents.

Originally Posted by TheLonelyChemist

I did that a while ago. I ended up with the feeling of nothingness.... and so much more. Wish I could just get out. Nope, not that either.

No you cannot get out. You cannot run away from your feelings. Even I couldn't. They hurt a lot initially but the pain faded over time. Now I have accepted them and I think that they have given me experiences, however bad, to mature as a person.

Originally Posted by TheLonelyChemist

You know how grandiose I am. I daydream of me being a superhero of some sort. While listening to music or pacing in the house. I cannot do anything, I cannot live, I cannot die. What now... and I certainly don't want to irritate you either, but I am just not feeling okay. I haven't shaved since three weeks. I didn't cut my nails even after my dad told me to cut 'em for a week. I just don't want to live. I accept it, hard to tell to parents.

You are experiencing depression. You need to speak to your doctor and get your meds adjusted.

Originally Posted by Desiree2006

I have been slipping back. It started with not taking my eve walks, sleeping too much, not being able to clean my room.....now I don't feel like taking shower even. I want to stay in bed the whole day. I don't like this. I have to force myself to follow my daily plan. I really don't know what to do I feel so lazy, unmotivated and sleepy all the time. I guess apart from the depression my meds are sedating me too. I took my night meds much earlier today...by 9pm and not around 10:30pm so that I don't sleep till noon tomorrow. Also I m going to reduce my noon anti-anxiety med from 10mg to 5mg. It makes me sleepy all the time. Hope this will help.
Hopefully I'll be able to get back to where I was a week ago and not sink into the hell hole once again. I feel whiny and frustrated.

I couldn't exercise but I finally managed to take shower and brush my teeth.

[Fuzzybear]

((((((((( Desiree )))))))))

[little turtle]

we are all with you desiree....

[BreakForTheLight]

How long has it been? Maybe you just need to give yourself a bit of time. Do what you can but don't beat yourself up for what you don't manage. Be nice to yourself.

Originally Posted by BreakForTheLight

How long has it been? Maybe you just need to give yourself a bit of time. Do what you can but don't beat yourself up for what you don't manage. Be nice to yourself.

It's been 5days. But it's getting worse. Maybe today will be a bit better.