I failed at life, and as a human being.

I feel I failed as a member of society and as a human being. I have been out of work for so long and now that I am not responding to therapy or medication, I don’t know when if ever I will be able to function. I am more symptomatic and unstable as I have ever been, it is quite scary. All of my symptoms get worse when I am out in the world and around people. I spend majority of my time in my room and house and don’t leave much. I never have anywhere to go or anyone to see. I am so far gone that I don’t know if I will ever be able to reintegrate myself back into society. I can only hope I can find the right treatment by keep on trying with medications and therapy.

I never had a social life either. Severe social anxiety and low self-esteem always made it very hard for me to be social. I have a lot of self-hatred. I’ve been isolated for the last ten years of my life. I don’t know how to make friends, how to talk to people, how to approach people, social cues…nothing. I was raised by my mother and older sister and my father was never around, nor did I ever have any male role models, father figures. I feel I missed out on male camaraderie, I was never one of the guys, do things with other men or spend time with them. I wish I could have had a male figure growing up to teach me things, anything, instead of having no direction and a very turbulent adolescence. I never been in a relationship with a woman before, don’t know what that is or what it’s like. So I feel I failed as a man as well, to say the least.

But more than anything I feel I failed at life in general. That at this point I am beyond help or hope, that things cannot change from here or get any better, but worse. I feel worthless, useless, insignificant, like I don’t matter and it doesn’t make any difference if I am here or not. Like it is survival of the fittest and since I failed at absolutely everything, that I should be weeded out of existence, just disappear, because I don’t matter and am just a waste, my life was a waste. There is no point anymore to keep on going.

Just some thoughts. Maybe if you go to the library every day, about the same time, others will start to open up. Same thing in the coffee shop; be a "usual" and be open to conversations, even short ones. I don't believe in a failed life.
You seem very interesting to me, like you could be very helpful to others.

I think to say you failed as a human being is contradicted in the very statement itself. You certainly sound different from most people as am I. I haven't met the expectations of any of my social roles. So be it. I'm not working either, and frankly I'm enormously relieved to not have that pressure. The fact is I find most people a compete bore. They all ultimately fail to meet my expectations. As have I. So what does that leave me. Simple with a much stronger sense of faith wonder and spirituality. It's a luxury most people can't afford, but people like me, dare I say you have it.

I find most “normal judgmental” people a complete bore. They are all about defining others as a “success” or a “failure”. I’m sorry, life really isn’t that simple I don’t believe in a “failed life” - for one thing, who are we humans to judge that?

Capac, you know what? It is impossible to fail at life.

The truth is, life for everyone is a struggle. We are all fighting through each day just trying to be happy. Even the most successful, social, popular, beloved people, they are just fighting through each day trying their very best to be happy. There aren't any winners or losers in life. Eventually in life everyone faces one loss after another. It's what you want to hold onto that matters the most.

You are not a failure, you are a human being who didn't have control over the circumstances that brought you into life and set the course of your early life, as people we really don't have control of much anyway, just a series of thoughts and choices that we make.

You are judging yourself because you feel like you should be something or should have reached a point you didn't reach yet, but, the truth is that all you could have been is where you are right now. You didn't fail anything, you just tried the best you could up until this point.

I know it must feel really awful but things in life can really change, however they change from where you are at right now, and not where you think you are supposed to be. Try not to compare yourself to others, it's all relative and your life only makes any sense when looked at as its own unique story.

All that matters is your thoughts and your choices, it doesn't matter what anyone thinks, so I would encourage you to try to think about your situation differently, try to see and focus on the things in your life, no matter how small, that YOU genuinely enjoy and want more of. Please be compassionate towards yourself.

What a good and well thought out reply! I wish more people thought before they spoke and said things like this to EVERYONE who is in pain.. and not just lash out with knee jerk reactions like too many in this world do . Sadly I’m thinking mostly of doctors in this forest (not USA) when I say this

To the OP, thank you for your bravery in sharing such difficult feelings with us. I’m happy you’ve received such thoughtful and kind replies

Thanks for the replies everyone. I just feel that I am too far gone. I am living with such limitations these days. I have almost no social skills and when I am around people I feel terrified, too scared to talk to people, look at people, approach people, or just be around them, don't know what to say or how to act. Being isolated for so long it is the norm for me, and being around people is incredibly difficult and painful. This is the reason why I don't leave my room much or go out. The most I can do is emails, texts, messages, phone calls, and video calls. But face to face in person, especially in groups freaks me out. No social life whatsoever, and spend a concerning amount of time by myself, but I feel worse when I am around people.....so kind of stuck.

I feel I lost a huge part of myself comparing to two years ago. With my mental decline, I feel I am not as intelligent as I was before, that I am not in shape looking well and healthy, and that I have never been this ill, unstable, and troubled as I am now. I don't see a way out of this. I don't see how things will get better or change. I don't think I will get my intelligence back as I have lots of cognition problems. I feel too sick to do anything about my body image, and certain aspects I am afraid will not change. Do I have to accept things the way they are now, and expect that it will be like this from now on, or worse...because that is quite a miserable way to live. I can't sustain living like this indefinitely or for things to get worse. Which makes me think it is not worth it to try anymore or to go on. I can only hope that by keeping on trying I will find the right treatment, as well as lifestyle changes and things that work for me.

You are not alone. There are many of us surviving the abuse that we have suffered.

Our lives are different, I get myself into a good space and then other people seem to come along and knock me off course from my small but meaningful life. I wish I could just go missing from my life and start again somewhere where no-one knows my past. That way no-one could attempt to bully me into contact with my abusers.

I am just in the process of accepting that I won't get better and that all I can hope to achieve is having as many good days as possible.

Big hugs and much love to you