[MtnTime2896]

I'm pretty sure I'm having what is known as a Wellbutrin high. My depression is almost, almost non-existent. It feels pretty good, for once.

So, why am I complaining?

Well, it's not so much complaining as much as it's a frustrated question.

Why is it that I'm finally not feeling depressed (even if it's only temporary), and I'm still fixated on death? I don't get it. I'm not so depressed I can't stand it, but my mind won't quit playing out suicidal fantasies.

Am I just doomed to do it?

[Fuzzybear]

((( So leigheas )))

[SorryShaped]

I did that for most of my life, during both depressive episodes and manic and all the points between. I wanted to die from the time I was assaulted at seven. It took retraining my brain to wanting to live to find happiness instead of focusing on why I didn't want to live for the changes to start. I still have low times but I fight them with my desire to live being so much better than my desire to give up

[qwerty68]

Originally Posted by Só leigheas

Am I just doomed to do it?

No, you are not.

It happens to me, well my depression never leaves but isn't always bad. I always have suicidal thoughts.

I think it is just habit and doesn't really relate to anything. I am really bad at breaking habits.

[whisperingskye]

I think when you have had the thoughts for so long they don’t just go away because you are no longer depressed. That’s my experience anyway. I guess it’s a need to retrain your brain maybe so that suicide isn’t your automatic go to. I’m not sure of course, this is just me guessing, but if you ever work it out I’d love to know the answer.

((((((So leigheas))))))

[MtnTime2896]

I'm not depressed, but I'm not happy either.

It's like, without the depression, my PTSD and other stuff seems more intense. It's all just... overwhelming, honestly. Today has gone: Memory, to suicidal, to memory, to suicidal and so on. I feel as though my depression gone is like the vail that hides away all of my other crap has lifted. More than anything, it covers up my questions and the anger that surrounds them.

I don't think my suicidal thoughts will leave until I properly handle the trauma. Even then, it might stick around a bit after.

I know this isn't the PTSD forum, but ****.... Why did those things have to happen? Who the **** thought it was alright to do that to a kid? What in the hell did I do to deserve.... And why do I still feel as though I still deserve it?

Just... why?

[MtnTime2896]

Trigger warning for this song

[ShadowGX]

I'm inclined to agree with the others that it's probably because that's been your thought process for so long that despite the depression being "gone" the thought process of wanting to die still remains. Even though I've had a lot of good days lately and overall have been in an ok mood, I still think about suicide daily. Not as much, but it's still there.