[qwerty68]

Why am I a loser? Why am I even posting this after making a complete fool of myself here the other day? Total idiot.

I don't know why I thought I was good enough to find a friend, me a pile of rotting garbage. pathetic I know how to kill the feelings of loneliness, I did it years ago and it lasted a long time. It is just really painful but I can't do it because it requires finding someone to treat me like I deserve and no one talks to me anymore. Last was in 2002, my last girlfriend broke up with me because one of her friends didn't like me for some unknown reason and offered her $50 to dump me so she did. At least I know my value, to be honest that seems really high for an ugly loser. I always wonder if her friend offered her $10 if she would have done the same thing, probably. That plus hurting myself for a few months just killed any feelings for anyone outside my family. Until recently, when I did an really stupid thing, even for me and bought a house.

Spending all that time with someone so nice and fun really ruined me. She will still talk to me but her business went off the charts awesome after she helped me. So is very busy, which is wonderful. She really deserves it. Who says there are no rewards for helping idiotic losers?

Before that, I was doing relatively well. Coming down from the stress of the house is causing massive headaches, lots of neuro issues and I think my house might be haunted. I bought a newer home to avoid noises triggering my psychosis. But I am supposed to be alone in the house and there are sounds coming from everywhere. My daughter never hears them and I never do when she is here. It makes it difficult to sleep. On a good night I fall asleep at 4 and wake at 730 or so. Although my sleeping cycles a bit, last week I would sleep until 2PM. I really am cycling and I am not bipolar and I have more energy when I sleep less.

I am sorry for this, no one deserves to read endless whining from someone who deserves all the pain and issues he is getting and more.

[Thirty shades]

I am sorry you are having a hard time.

Don't believe those who perceive you as a loser. Believe in yourself which takes time to practice and often needs to be remembered when we are low.

It sounds like the term loser might be given to someone who pays someone to tell someone who they can date and the ex who was willing to let someone make her decisions rather than form her own opinion.

I am relatively new to this site but I find that there is always someone here who understands how you are feeling, so we are never really alone.

[qwerty68]

eww I barely remember writing that. I guess I wasn't in great shape. Sorry if it upset anyone.

I had tried to fall asleep and had the worst 'death' experience in a while and it seems to have done something bad to my mental state. I am honestly surprised I didn't end up hurting myself at all last night. I got about 5 hours of sleep which is really good in my current state. That extra hour or two made today really difficult though.


The death thing is very weird and I have no idea where it comes from. I am either barely asleep or almost there. I see myself and I can feel that I am dead and trapped in me. It is so hard to explain. It went off the charts weird last night, I actually saw people walking around the store I was at earlier in the day and could see people not as they are but as dead or about to die. It really set me off in some weird directions. I can't explain it well enough to give the weirdness and creepy vibe justice. In a way they feel like a very disturbing version of hypnic jerks which I don't get the traditional type anymore. Maybe that is where they are coming from?


Of course, when I did finally fall asleep I had dreams of people I don't know reject me but those are actually peaceful dreams so I can't really complain. I know this isn't the dream board but they used to be random things which some could end up causing seizures. Now they actually mirror a lot of what is going on. Lots of rejection and feelings that I am not long for this earth. None of my current weirdness seems to be seizure fodder.


I got through my interior designer coming over to help with drapes and basically grade what I had done so far without her. She surprisingly liked it, I am severely color-challenged. She did keep asking me if I am alright and if everything is going well. I guess I looked worse than usual. It is nice to have someone to talk to now and again and even acts like she cares, even if it is just a business relationship. Nice people are always great to be around in any context.

Thirty shades: Thank you for your kind words, but I know for a fact that I am a horribly ugly loser. That wasn't a great relationship, so she came out way ahead. It was ill-advised on my part for several reasons. I bump into her from time to time and we can talk happily but I can tell she feels a little bad about how it ended but she is certainly better off without me so it worked out. As with every relationship, except my first one, I felt like they were the best I could do and it is surely better than being alone. All of them pursued relationships with me, apparently it is too aggressive for me to approach people.


Most of my neighbors haven't talked to me and when I see them outside I try to introduce myself. I make it as far as the end of my yard and I freeze up. I have been here nearly three months and I feel like it is too late to meet my neighbors. It is probably for the best for them. It is an odd thing, I am have been very aggressive pursuing my goals in my life, except relationships. I just can't do it.


Hopefully this is more coherent and sane and I apologize for my incoherent blather. I am surprised it didn't get zapped by the mods.