i'm trying to get well but i still feel empty

Hello, this is my first post. I hope this is the right forum!

I've been trying to get well lately and get things done. I work out, I'm not skipping classes (which is a lifelong habit of mine), I'm trying to eat healthy and I'm trying not to make myself more depressed with sad music, poetry, etc.
I'm trying to be more social and I feel pretty good after working out, though more often than not, getting ready (for anything) is dreadful.

The point is, this is the first time I actually try to get myself out of my depression and it's not getting worse, and in the long run getting things done is great because that way i don't have many reasons to loathe myself, but it just doesn't seem to get better, and it sucks because i'm really trying.

For the last month I had been feeling really weird... i've always been the type to never let things out. I hate to cry in front of other people and i hate to get angry.
If i feel bad, i go to my room, but this past month i was constantly enraged. I'd never been so irritable in my life, it was almost violent, and i really felt like yelling and swearing at people, i almost felt like punching stuff too.

Also, during that month, i was feeling very sexual, which was quite weird for me. I'm a 20 year old female, and i've never been very sexual. During high school i never found any boys attractive. Only a couple of years ago i saw a guy i really liked and that was the first time i actually felt nervous and excited about a guy.
Then over the course of the last two years i've seen like 4 guys i've found attractive and i had big crushes on 3 of them, and well, it's been weird because in that sense i feel like a 15 year old getting excited about cute boys, and even then it'd be just those particular guys, i wouldn't be interested in any other guys. Even when drunk, i just didn't care about guys or sex.

However that last month, it wasn't about crushes, this thing was just sexual, like i'm finally starting to find guys in general attractive, their bodies, their energy, i don't know. But I was a little concerned whether it was normal to suddenly feel like that, and it also felt quite intense. I found myself finding many guys attractive, guys i normally wouldn't look at.

Now, I think those feelings coincide with when i started working out, so i wonder if working out just gave me some vitality i was lacking... all that month i felt constantly angry, horny and hungry too... but even then, it's not like i lift weights or something.

Some days i'd feel good, but still irritable and i'd be more likely to be upfront about that, whereas i normally retreat to my room and avoid people if i'm angry.

I'm sorry this is so personal, it's a little embarrassing honestly, but i really don't want to talk about that with anyone.

Now, these days, i feel good sometimes, but it all feels very mild and bland. I'm more in control; I can chat and laugh with people, i can get out of bed, but i'm feeling pretty empty inside and sometimes feel like crying, and i don't really see why because i'm not feeling much anyway.
Sometimes, I feel a very mild surge of anxiety building up and it seems to drain me quite a bit.
Sorry for the rambling. I just don't want to be that depressed person anymore!!!

I guess i wanted to share my experience and know what it's like for you, have you lived with that sad, dull, bland feeling for long?

Hello moonperson: I see this is your first post here on PC. So... welcome to PsychCentral! I hope you find PC to be of benefit.

Another forum, here on PC, that may be of interest would be the anxiety forum. Here's a link:

https://forums.psychcentral.com/anxi...c-and-phobias/

I'm not a mental health professional. So I can't really offer you any definitive insight into what your experiences are all about. It may be that this is all something you will need to delve into with the help of a skilled mental health therapist. Perhaps other members, here on PC, will have some insights they can share as well.

In your title, you wrote you feel empty. Here are links to some articles, from PsychCentral's archives, that talk about what to do when you feel empty, when you feel angry all the time, & when you feel lost:

Emptiness: The Un-Feeling Feeling | Childhood Emotional Neglect

When You Feel Empty: What It Means & What to Do

I feel Empty Inside -3 Fixes for Feeling Nothing | Sext, Text & What's Next: Teens, Young Adults & Technology

When You Feel Lost

https://psychcentral.com/blog/angry-...dium=popular17

https://blogs.psychcentral.com/weigh...from-yourself/

https://psychcentral.com/blog/so-you...-never-expect/

My best wishes to you...

Thank you for replying. Truth is, I'm terrified of posting on the internet, not knowing how people might respond and all that.

That post was a little messy, but I guess I'm feeling better now.

Thanks!

—-get to yr pdoc and t. You r not just describing one state here, u r experiencing many things. Blah but sometimes angry and horny. Blah, develop some interests. Angry do some consistent vigorous exercise. Be assertive, not aggressive. Horny, don’t do anything self destructive. u can feel angry and horny w depression. Avoid toxic people, jobs, etc After more years than I would like to admit, a strict discipline of self care is absolutely vital. Meds alone just won’t do it.