[Christina86]

But did they?

NOT A %#@&#! CHANCE.

Started meds a few weeks ago, and next week I see the pdoc and he's probably going to up my meds. Since they're not really working ...

I had a complete breakdown this morning at 2am. I phoned and left a message for my chaplain. I phoned a friend. Nobody to talk to except online and that was pointless. My roomate, who I NEVER see, came to the bathroom and asked if I was alright. I went and gorged on junk food to feel better. Then my friend tracked me down, but she mostly talked about herself.

I WAS DOING SO WELL.

I didnt have negative thoughts. I wasn't thinking about SIng. I wasn't thinking about drinking myself into a stupor.

And I hate the fact that all I want is a hug and to hang out and not be forced to play 'counsellor'. I want to have fun. I don't want the constant stress of university.

I %#@&#! HATE UNIVERSITY. Profs expect enough, then I try to be a good person and do stuff for the different groups I'm a part of, and do my volunteering at the chaplaincy on campus...

And I'm %#@&#! going insane.

My family hasn't contacted me in WEEKS.

I cant clean. I cant make myself eat. All I want to do is crawl into bed and die. I try to read posts here, and I couldnt because it all hurt too much.

My shoulders/neck/back all hurt because of my wheeling and my constant knots.

I dont get to see my T until next Monday because I thought I could go 2 weeks without becoming a basket case.

I thought wrong.

I cant do this. I dont have time to do this. I cant breakdown. I'm irritable, I'm moody, I'm stressed, I'm depressed and I'm %#@&#! sick of it all.

Bye-bye positivity. I did try, and was successful for a week. That's good right?

Nothing is working out like it should. And nobody is around to talk to, because they're busy. I just want to be normal. I just want to have control over stuff again.

Otherwise I *know* I wont make it to 300 days SI free, I'll start drinking again, I'll sleep all day, and I'll just generally get more depressed and self-destructive.

And I *really* dont want thaty to happen.

But I'm so lonely and I dont feel loved anymore by anyone.

%#@&#!.

[lenjan]

I love you.

((((((((Christina)))))) I'm sorry things are rough.

[Fuzzybear]

(((((((((((((( Christina )))))))))))))

more love from meeee

(((((canders))))))))

[nowheretorun]

wanting you to feel better canders... hope you can get some rest...

[bipolar_bear]

((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((Christina)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

[jacq10]

(((((((((Christina))))))))))
University is SO hard. You have so many deadlines to meet, Prof's to impress, friends to keep up with, or more difficultly, friends that need constant reassurance and help ... help that if hard to give, especially if at the end of the day you don't even have enough to muster up for yourself.
I know what it's like to feel all that pressure, to feel like you're living your life for someone else, or for things that need to be done, to help other people deal with their issues. But at the end of the day, you need to make sure you leave a little bit of yourself for you. I know, its WAaaaaay easier said than done, but its the absolute best thing you can do for yourself, and for other people too. You're no good to them if you can't help yourself. And i don't mean that in the condescending way of "your being lazy, you need to help yourself", but as in, YOU are so important, and when it comes down to it .. the only person you can rely on is yourself.
The urge to SI or sleep, drink, eat (or not) can be so overwhelming sometimes that we get caught up in those desires and lose sight of the bigger picture. But you can do this. I know you can.
Let me share a little something with you. Its a mix of things my T has said to me, and my own thoughts in a rare moment of optimism. I have this written down on a piece of paper and i carry it around with me on days that i feel are going to be more difficult. Its moreso just a reminder of thinking positive, and focusing on the things that i have going for me, rather than the things that i let get me down. It might be helpful to you .. i dont know though. Anyways here goes....


"Draw from your inner strength.

Draw out that inner mother in you. Be still, and be okay in your stillness knowing that you are essentially and fundamentally okay. Breathe deeply. How you breathe is how you live. It is time for you to accept your past, and move on with your life. Yes your past shaped who you are today, but do not let it define who you are. The good you see in other people are simply reflections of the type of person you are. You are capable of so much good, you just need to accept that, and step out and embrace it with a whole heart. Have trust in yourself, have confidence, know that you can get through whatever life throws your way, and what is most difficult will only make you stronger. Life isn’t easy, but once you are able to accept who you really are, life will start swinging good. Keep on smiling; keep doing what makes you feel good about yourself.

Fear not fear.

Fear constrains you. It takes hold of you and prevents you from moving forward. Without moving forward, how can you expect to grow as an individual? Embrace those that you love and trust, and know that those people in whom you’ve loved came into your life for a reason – whether or not they still play an active role in it. The people you meet in life are like stepping stones in discovering the type of person you want to be, and the type of person that you will become if you can trust in yourself.

How you think is how you feel is how you act.

Stop those negative thoughts right at the source. Don’t let them consume you. Don’t let them define you, or lead you down a never-ending path. Be your own person. Choose to be happy. It is a choice. It’s not easy, but it is possible. Be around those that make you happy. And most importantly, believe that it is important to be happy, and do everything you can to reach that goal. That goal is worth it because you are worth it. Believe that you are worth it.

Look in the mirror. Look deep. Look right in your eyes and tell me what you see. Wipe away those clouds that blur your vision, and look into the vast sea that is you. Sure there are waves, but those waves add character. They add wisdom and knowledge. Those waves may be rough at times, but no one ever reaches perfectly still water. You wouldn’t want to. Life is meant to throw things at us; it just depends on how you ride those waves out that make it a worthwhile journey. Find your way to ride them out, and know that you are not alone. You are never truly alone for you have your inner strength that will guide you, and show you the love that you deserve.

Love yourself. Be true to yourself. And strive to be happy."


I dont know if that will help you any ... but just reading that sometimes helps me get through when i'm feeling really down. I hope that it can do some good for you. You really do deserve it Christina.
Know that you can contact me whenever. I'm up more hours of the night anyways.
Try and stay safe okay?
Sending gentle hugs and love
xoxox Jacq

[Perna]

Things will get better.

{{{Canders}}}

[Christina86]

(((((((((Candy))))))))) I love you too.

[Christina86]

((((((((((Fuzziestbear)))))))))))))

[Christina86]

much love to you ((((((((((((Rainbowzz)))))))))))))

[Christina86]

Got a little rest, hopefully to catch up some more this weekend. We shall see. ((((((((((nowheretorun)))))))))))

[Christina86]

((((((((((((((BB))))))))))))))))))

[Christina86]

((((((((((((((((Jacq)))))))))))))))

I have to admit I cried when reading this. You're a good friend... thank you. I do need to rely more on myself and help myself, and I know I can get through this... just getting caught up with too many things at once. Never seems to be enough time in the day...

I love what you wrote. Thank you. I might keep that for future notice to remind me of things I tend to forget.

I might be bugging you this weekend if you're not horribly busy.

[Christina86]

((((((((((((Perna))))))))))))))

They'd better. Thank you.

[wickedwings]

((((((canders)))))

[Christina86]

((((((((((((((wickedwings)))))))))))))) thanks