I hate that I can't be okay

It's not like I've quit trying. I'm trying so damn hard all of the time. It doesn't seem to matter, though.

The thoughts are too intense, all of the feeling is there alongside them. I feel like I'm drowning. I've said it for days that I've felt like I was backsliding, now I've slid and I'm back at a bottom I thought I had escaped.

Why can't I just be okay?

It's a pattern: I get really low, deadly low. Then for a day or two I feel relief and hopeful, if it's chemically induced then it can be a week or two. Then I get how I am now, where I'm screwed up and can't sort it out, enough that I almost was escorted to the ER (but the doc didn't know where I was to send an ambulance).

Yes, a hospital is where I probably should be, but I don't want to. I know, who does? But I want to figure this out without going IP, I don't think it's wrong of me to try and get help I can afford rather than taking an urgent option.

I feel so damn alone and it sucks, but I can't bring myself to be around anyone because it takes so much out of me. There's no logic; I'm so lonely I can't stand it but I want to be alone. How does that make sense? None of this makes sense, I shouldn't be feeling this way. I've made progress in trauma therapy and I'm on the right meds. I shouldn't feel this way, but I do. And I hate it. I hate that I can't be okay.

I had to learn to be ok with who I am, even when I'm not right or, and especially, when I'm wrong. These acceptances helped me. Knowing that almost everyone doesn't like how things are helped me too.
I'm not being much comfort here, I know, but I want you to accept yourself, no matter how you feel.

I am backsliding too and very soon I'll drown and slide to a bottom which I hoped never to return. My bf's leaving me without giving any reason has created a massive hole in my life. More than a bf he was my only friend and now I have no one to talk to. I was already depressed, now the grief has intensified the depression.

Like you the depression has a pattern for me. I get deadly low. Then for a day or two I feel relief and hopeful, then again slide to another deadly low which lasts for a week before I can feel relief for a couple of days again.

I too feel why can't I just be okay?!....

I wish with all my heart that you feel better soon and be able to enjoy life again.
Much love to you.

I hope you feel better soon, So leighas

Just leaving you some hugs if they will help

Hugs and best wishes Só leigheas

Though some say--go to IP when you are suicidal--I agree that IP is expensive and therapy is where a lot more healing can get done. Therapy can make your feelings more intense but may really help in the long run. Feelings aren't wrong--they just are--never feel bad about what you feel. You have been through a lot but your desire and effort to move on will eventually pay off. Hugs.

((((( So leigheas )))))