[MtnTime2896]

My head's getting worse. I don't know how else to put it. I relapsed (again) with SH. My ideation is quickly turning into much more. I feel my mind beginning to come up with plans and I can't seem to stop it. For a long time I was dealing with obsessions over the possibility of losing someone (usually by some sick, twisted death). It lightened up a lot a couple weeks ago. Now it's back to being my own. The voice in my head is telling me that I'm just a **** person and no one would truly care if I died. I'm trying to combat the voice, I'm trying to fight it, but it seems futile. It's not that I think everyone would be better off without me. I just think I'm irrelevant. It truly would not matter whether or not I stayed alive. I'm just a filler episode of an infinite tv show. I don't know. I'm just really not doing good but I can't really talk about it. Too much is going on. Too much pain is being felt. I'm not going to add to it by dumping my issues on others. I shouldn't even be doing it here. Anyway, that's how I am. Peace.

[Miss P]

Hugs to you, you’ve as much right to be heard n loved as any of us. I don’t wish to sound patronising but, to some degree, I do feel I understand how you are....the pain can be so, so hard to bear n I’m glad (sorry that your in need) you knew to reach out, and, as I’m sure your aware, it’s the illness telling you what you say, how your feeling. Are you getting irl support?

[MickeyCheeky]

You're not irrelevant. I, for one, would be very sad if you were gone... and I'm sure that'd be true for many others. Please, stay safe, friend.

[MtnTime2896]

I have a T I might be able to tell this stuff to, if I can just get past this thing where I keep talking about irrelevant crap instead. These things that don't really matter to me. I feel like everyone else is always watching to see if I fall apart. I know they're intentions are heartfelt but I can't take that kind of speculation about my life.

Over the past three days, I've attempted to relieve some of this mental warfare. I haven't done so in the healthiest ways. Self-harm, drugs... they're as useless to relieve me as all of my "healthier" coping mechanisms. I've tried forcing myself into bad mindsets while high so that I can deal with it while I'm on a controlled trajectory, followed by bringing my mind back to healthier subjects. What I'm doing is for every bad thought, I force myself to look back on (at least) two good memories. My goal is to keep my mind from going tunnel vision like I know it's gearing up to do. Hell, it might've already started. I just don't feel as though I can save myself from this one because my brain isn't really listening to anything other than the fixation on death.

I'm too tired to keep doing this.

[Fuzzybear]

((((( So leigheas )))))

[Rohag]

Reading your posts...
Following your agonies...