[MtnTime2896]

"I cannot ****ing stand this, I'm sick of ****ing standing, on my own, on my phone, without a ****ing purpose. And yeah I hope it's worth it.... I think I deserve this, I know that I deserve this"

Quote kinda says it all. It's been a really hard day, I'm sorry for all the negativity in my posts.

I guess I just don't get it. I've been taking care of myself. Taking my meds, working out, eating right, utilizing coping skills I've learned from my hospitalizations, and... nothing. Nothing to show for it. I'm trapped in this god forsaken nightmare. It doesn't matter that I try, it doesn't matter that I've lost weight. Nothing matters.

[mote.of.soul]

I fully hear you Só leigheas, I fully hear you. And I can relate in my own way, too.

I had another horrible day today as well, just hammered, and it makes me think this is never going to end and I actually don't believe it will. Not in this lifetime. I'm 49.

And I'm like you, I feel I've done a heck of a lot to exact inner change - and I have. But it still keeps happening, all the time. Bleh. Days like today always make me contemplate leaving the earth too Só leigheas. But Eff it. I don't owe anything to anyone or need to prove anything to anybody, and I know who I am! Okay I'm rambling now. Thank you.

Please try to find things or continue to embrace the things that you enjoy. Things that may bring meaning to it all. We all have different challenges in life - and to look at others you wouldn't think so - but it's true. Sometimes, maybe a lot of times, the only coping mechanism there is, is to simply endure and weather the storm. But take note of the sun or the stars along the way as well please - the animals. Whatever you enjoy. Sending you hope, friend.

((((Power Hug!))))

[Fuzzybear]

((((( So leigheas )))))

[SlumberKitty]

I'm sorry you are having such a hard time and feeling bad. ((((hugs)))) It's hard to keep going sometimes but we just gotta. You're worth the fight to keep going. Kit.

[Bill3]

"I cannot ****ing stand this, I'm sick of ****ing standing, on my own, on my phone, without a ****ing purpose. And yeah I hope it's worth it.... I think I deserve this, I know that I deserve this"

You don't deserve it.

[mote.of.soul]

How are you Só leigheas?

How are you feeling? How are you going at present?

[MtnTime2896]

Originally Posted by mote.of.soul

How are you Só leigheas?

How are you feeling? How are you going at present?

Right now, I'm preparing for therapy today. Huh, I don't know if I can talk about the things I need to. These memories keep coming up and they're so intense that I flinch like it's happening again. I kept having hallucinations of one of my abusers. They showed up by taking over my friend's face. The more this continues, the more I can't help but think that life is just meaningless.

I'm having some physical issues as well. Right underneath my surgery scar (and next to my artery) is so sensitive and painful. This is an area that hasn't had any feeling in four years. And my friends are worried about it. They want me to see a doctor about it, but I don't see the point for a couple reasons. One, I have my semi-annual oncology appointment on the 26th and can simply bring it up then if it's still a problem. Two, I simply don't care.

My urge to self-harm is getting to a point where I want to do more than what I'd normally do. I'm wanting to seriously hurt myself and those thoughts keep coming in and out. I had to take anxiety meds last night because of that and the memories. I have friends who are fighting and I'm being affected by it. It's making me feel even more chaos in my head and pain in my chest than normal. I'm feeling like five years of my life has been thrown in the trash. I'm feeling as though I'm complaining too much right now and I should delete this and shut up. I'm trying hard to fight that one.

Thank you for checking on me. I don't deserve you guys here. You're all really good friends.

[Bill3]

Thank you for not deleting.



You are not “complaining”, you are letting us know what is going on with you.

Friendship isn’t about “deserving”. People here just like you! People want you to feel better, of course! But the you who is liked is just you, no matter how well or badly things are going at any given moment.

(((((So))))) just leaving you a heap of love and hugs here for you

[MickeyCheeky]

((((Sò leigheas)))) You deserve love, friendship and most importantly healing. You do NOT deserve what you're going through

[mountainstream]

[Sunflower123]

Thinking of you today and sending warm wishes that you are feeling better.

[mote.of.soul]

Hi,

No, you're absolutely not complaining too much at all, and thanks for sharing.

Wow, those are some strange hallucinations. Obviously quite awful for you. Hugs.

Stay strong within yourself please, I think it might be a good idea to open up and tell your therapist everything, including the wish to increase your self harm activity. Yes, tell your therapist you need their support around that, Só leigheas. I wish I had a cure. It's good to see you utilizing and trying everything to overcome your difficulties, too. That's a sign of great strength.

((((Só leigheas))))