Figuring myself out

So, uh, I’m not really sure how to explain this but i’ll try to do my best. So I’ll say this: When I’m with people at school, work, online or wherever, i’m generally an outgoing person. But lately, when I’m not around people, I question myself. I doubt myself, I look down upon myself and basically hate myself. I think this build up of repressed self loathing has been building up ever since I was a teenager and this stress of school and a job that I never wanted but was forced into made these feelings all come together.

I have a habit of hiding my true emotions away from prying eyes in order to, keep my image clean in the outside world. ****, I can’t even fathom what people would think of me if I told them how I really felt about certain issues. I think the added stress of this job my parents forced me into set off this powder keg of emotions inside of me. So far it’s been easy to hide my feelings but I feel myself slipping everyday. I’m
not gonna kms because that’s not me, but I just feel so melancholy everyday now and I don’t know what to do.

Hello Omicron: I see this is your first post here on PC. So... welcome to PsychCentral.

Yes... I know a lot about hiding one's true emotions & presenting a clean image to the outside world. I'm 70 years old now. And I've been doing exactly that my whole life. I still am, although I will say that it has become increasingly difficult as I've aged. Things actually began to unravel for me at around age 50 as a result of a not all that serious bout with cancer. It was the proverbial straw that broke the camel's back, so to speak. Things have been slowly unravelling ever since. And one thing I can tell you is that living that way is absolutely exhausting... & ultimately futile. It's no way to live your life.

The remedy for this, of course, is to find a way to live authentically... to be the person you really are... whomever that is. Of course I can't tell you how to do that. You mentioned a job your parents forced you into that is part of the problem. Perhaps that is one thing that needs to be addressed forthwith. And then, perhaps, some counseling or therapy to help you figure out who you really are & how to show the real you to the world at large. The one thing I know is that continuing to live the way it sounds like you're living is a prescription for ongoing sadness & frustration. And the person who has to change that is you. Hopefully coming here to PC can constitute a first step in that direction.

One additional forum, here on PC, that may be of interest to you would be the relationships forum. Here's a link:

https://forums.psychcentral.com/rela...communication/

And then here are links to a selection of 8 articles, from PsychCentral's archives, that hopefully may be of some help:

In-Depth: Living with Depression

When You Feel Lost

When You Feel Lost or Disconnected from Yourself

So, You're Lost? The Advice You'd Never Expect

https://psychcentral.com/blog/authen...our-true-self/

https://psychcentral.com/lib/6-steps...ing-authentic/

https://psychcentral.com/blog/overco...our-true-self/

https://blogs.psychcentral.com/chang...tay-motivated/

I hope you find PC to be of benefit.