[LookingBeyond]

My partner (we are both in the 35-45 age range) has recently been diagnosed with major depressive disorder after many years of not seeking help. We have been together for about 7 years (2 years on, then off 3 years due to geography and back together for 4.5) and the first two years and the last 2 years have been light night and day.


He has been complaining of symptoms for years and done nothing because he cannot keep his current job on meds (it's a long story - but leaving that job would really change his world financially) - he will lose it, so he's felt like seeking treatment was not an option. He has gone off the deep end in the last 2 years. He is not happy, with anything - his job, his friends, me, nothing. He feels "nothing" for the most part but when he does he feels guilt and sadness. He gets withdrawn emotionally and then angry. We were having a discussion the other night, it wasn't "heated" at all, and all of a sudden he looked very angry and said he was "very frustrated" and wanted to stop talking and I was mystified as to why (we've had arguments before and this conversation wasn't close to headed in that direction).



His biggest complaint is a complete loss of interest an anything - he feels "numb" to most of what is going on around him, has very negative feelings about everything, and says that the descriptions he has read about anhedonia describe his feelings almost exactly. The strange thing (to me) is that he seems to have difficulty remembering anything enjoyable. We went out the other night with a friend of his and we all laughed at dinner, he was squeezing my hand, stroking my hair, making jokes, and clearly having a good time - then not 4 days later he says "every day is miserable" and that "he's not happy with anything." He was serious about the misery - in that moment he really believed that he had done nothing enjoyable recently, when just the night before we were laughing and joking about stuff and while it may not have been some spectacular night, it wasn't terrible for him.

It's been horrible for our relationship too.


He has told me in the last 10 weeks: he loves me and wants us to really work to stay together; he thinks of me as just a friend and feels like he "owes it to me" (I moved from FAR away to be with him 4 years ago) to stay together but he feels increasingly detatched, unable, and unhappy with being with me; to the following day telling me he is "looking for a reason" for me not to leave him because he "used" to love me so much and doesn't understand what happened. If I remind him that he "loved me so much" last month he has no recollection of that, and tells me that he's been feeling this way for "awhile" about us (awhile, depending on the day may be - 2 months, 5 months, or up to 3 years). He is sometimes sweet and loving, and sometimes pushes me away to the point where I feel like he is disgusted to look at me. It's FRUSTRATING.


I just don't know where to begin and am just looking for someone to tell me this isn't all nuts - and that he really just wants to end our relationship and won't tell me - to any understanding as to what works best OUTSIDE of meds (if anything) and basically any other info anyone wants to add. I'm lost.

[Skeezyks]

Hello LookingBeyond: I see this is your first post here on PC. So... welcome to PsychCentral. Two additional forums, here on PC, that may be of interest would be the partners of people & caregivers forum & the relationships forum. Here are links to these forums:

https://forums.psychcentral.com/rela...communication/

https://forums.psychcentral.com/part...ivers-support/

We here on PC cannot offer mental health diagnoses. And, besides, I'm not a mental health professional anyway. In order for your husband (& you) to know what is going on with him, he is going to have to seek out mental health services in my opinion. I know you wrote your husband cannot take med's due to his job. But perhaps he could see a mental health therapist or a psychologist? Talking with a mental health professional might go a long way toward helping your husband to figure of what is going on & what to do about it. Here's a link to PsychCentral's Find a Therapist site plus a link to a series of articles on how to find a good therapist:

Find a Therapist

How to Find a Good Therapist

On the surface, at least, it sounds as though what your husband may be struggling with may be depression. So here are links to 7 articles from PC's archives on the subject of treating depression, depression in men, & the impact of depression on relationships:

Depression Treatment

https://psychcentral.com/disorders/depression/

https://psychcentral.com/disorders/d...ression-guide/

https://psychcentral.com/lib/depress...u-might-think/

https://psychcentral.com/lib/helping...ression/?all=1

https://psychcentral.com/blog/10-thi...le-depression/

https://psychcentral.com/blog/how-de...at-you-can-do/

My best wishes to you & your husband.

[LookingBeyond]

Thanks - I don't know how I forgot to mention - he has been diagnosed with major depressive disorder and is currently seeing a counselor, so I know the diagnosis, I am just wondering if all of this sounds right. It's frustrating as heck to say the least.

[EnglishProf]

I registered because your husband sounds very much like me. I'm diagnosed with major recurrent (and treatment resistant, joy) depression, generalized anxiety, and dysthymia. I also strongly believe I'm on the Autism spectrum--what used to be called "High-functioning Autism" or Asperger's.

You didn't mention whether your husband could be on the spectrum, but for me the combination of all of the above results in feeling very close to what you describe him feeling. I'm 38, married, with a 3-year-old. I'd have to say that the only thing I *don't* regularly feel numb about is my child.

I do take medications, though they definitely affect my job (I teach.) I think the side effects of the meds actually add to the feeling of numbness, but having tried just about everything else, this combination is the only one that allows me to function at a level approaching average; without the meds, I have trouble even getting out of bed. With them, I'm emotionally even more blunted than normal, and have a lot of trouble waking up every morning/feel like a zombie during the day.

So I can identify with what he's going through.

I can't offer any real help, other than to say there's at least one other person out there who matches that set of symptoms. What I do know is that, though I've been known to feel numb towards my wife, it's not anything about her--and I assume nothing about you--that prompts the feeling. It's more like having to cope with everything else makes it very difficult to muster any feelings for her. It's certainly not personal.

I hope things get better for y'all.

[Fuzzybear]