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#1
Dec 16, 2018, 12:45 AM
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Hello. I am just desperate for some kind of interaction. I regularly go through bouts of severe depression but this one has completely wrecked me. I can barely function. I am just so sad and it physically hurts and all I can do is just lay on the bed and try to sleep. I feel like I can barely breathe and like my heart is just going to slow until it stops. I get up to take care of my son but beyond that I just have no will to continue. I just want to lay here and die.
I am married and my relationship is fine. I try not to talk to him about how I feel because it's annoying and a person can only take so much. I have no friends at all. Acquaintances, sure, but I rarely even see or talk to anyone because I am always at home. I am a very pleasant person who gets along with others and makes them laugh, but I have no close relationships at all. I want them, I'm just too old I think to develop new friendships. Everyone already has close friends and there is no room for me. I have a son who is 5, who has sensory processing issues. I have had depression and anxiety all my life, and I was diagnosed a few years ago with Aspergers. This explains the emptiness I feel when it comes to friendship. I want so badly to have a friendship like others do, someone I can call and talk to about how I feel or how they feel. I don't even have any friends who even know how distressed I am, or even that I have ASD. What do I want from this forum? I don't know. To feel like I exist. To feel like if my heart were to just stop beating that somebody would actually notice or care. I want to matter and to be alive. I want to be a good mother. I don't want to be invisible anymore. My heart just hurts so much. I have no logical reason to be sad but all I feel is emptiness and grief. I am a shell of a person. |
 Anonymous43774, Anonymous57363, deb1553, mountainstream, Skeezyks, Yzen
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#2
Dec 16, 2018, 06:32 AM
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welcome to the forum. I understand how it feels to be so alone even with people around you.
 I struggle with friendships. You are not invisible, not too old for friendship, and there is lots of room for you. Maybe you need a purpose beyond being a wife and mother -- an activity or group or cause you can be a part of to fill some of the emptiness and a common interest to build friendships. When I was part of a group that met weekly, it helped create a number of friendships for me. Also, online friendships can help.
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#3
Dec 16, 2018, 11:56 AM
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#4
Dec 16, 2018, 02:49 PM
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__________________
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#5
Dec 16, 2018, 08:22 PM
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Hello sadsack: I see this is your first post here on PC. So... welcome to PsychCentral!
 I'm sorry you are feeling so desperate. Hopefully coming here to PC can be a source of support & comfort for you. Just keep posting, & replying to other members' posts, & you will find many other members with whom you will be able to share your experiences & your concerns.  Here are links to 8 articles, from PsychCentral's archives, that offer tips for managing depression, the first by our host Dr. John Grohol, Psy.D. Hopefully some of the suggestions in these articles can be of some help: Living with Depression: A Guide for Coping with Depressive Feelings In-Depth: Living with Depression 10 Things I Do Every Day to Beat Depression What to Do on the Bad Days of Depression 9 Ways to Take Care of Yourself When You Have Depression https://psychcentral.com/blog/5-tips...of-depression/ https://psychcentral.com/blog/5-more...dium=popular17 https://psychcentral.com/blog/tips-f...dium=popular17 I hope you find PC to be of benefit. 
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 T4bbyCat
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#6
Dec 17, 2018, 12:01 AM
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Quote:
Many good thoughts and hugs. 
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#7
Dec 17, 2018, 03:24 AM
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Oh Sadsack! I am so sorry for your pain.
I can relate to so much of what you describe. I have lifelong anxiety and depression. I do not have Asperger's but I also feel the emptiness you describe. I also find it hard to develop close and lasting friendships. My significant other says that he thinks loneliness is a major trigger for my depression. I'll try to give you a few tips here. Random things to try... Can you meditate? When you feel stuck in bed, can you open a laptop and pull up some YouTube videos? Try a search for "guided meditation on depression...or loneliness or grief or emptiness." Pick whatever feeling bothering you most and I bet you can find a nice guided meditation for it. I do find that it helps. Choose a male or female voice...whichever is more comforting for you...and a duration which feels tolerable...maybe start with 2 -5 minutes and slowly build up from there. Let a kind voice tell you positive things and guide you back to peace. It is most effective if you do it every day but you might be surprised at the comfort you find if you can try it even once during this bad spell. How are you with touch? Hyper- or hypo-sensitive or no issue? Is your significant other a hugger? Could you try asking for a big bear-hug? Your central nervous system may respond well to some intense pressure which in turn can soothe your mind. Alternatively, maybe you prefer gentle touch. Could he sit and hold your hand or stroke your arm? These small acts can help you to feel something other than numbness...feel connected and less empty. How about acupuncture? Do you have access? It helps me. I have even dragged myself there on some days when I felt dead inside. I'm not trying to suggest any magical cure but I find it calms me or when I have felt numb (which tends to scare me) during or after the needles I was able to cry which can be such a cathartic release. You DO matter sweet person! You ARE alive even when you don't feel like it. It's that ol' depression confusing your weary mind. I care that you feel terrible! Other folks on PC care too! Keep telling yourself...all feelings are temporary...I will not feel like this forever...this too shall pass. Can you remember a time (even a moment) when you felt good? Try hard to remember that time. What did you see/hear/smell/feel? What were you doing? Close your eyes and imagine it now. I believe that we are ALL connected in the Universe therefore you are never alone. And you matter just as much as me and every other being! Please know that I have had my dark days in bed and dark nights endlessly pacing around my apartment. I know that pain and if I could make it go away for you I would. Peace and healing energy to you, sweet person. Take good care of yourself because YOU DESERVE IT! WHAT GOES DOWN, MUST COME UP!!! 
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#8
Dec 17, 2018, 03:28 AM
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Sometimes
Sometimes things don't go, after all, from bad to worse. Some years, muscadel faces down frost; green thrives; the crops don't fail, sometimes a man aims high, and all goes well. A people sometimes will step back from war; elect an honest man, decide they care enough, that they can't leave some stranger poor. Some men become what they were born for. Sometimes our best efforts do not go amiss, sometimes we do as we meant to. The sun will sometimes melt a field of sorrow that seemed hard frozen: may it happen for you. ~ Sheenagh Pugh |
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#9
Dec 17, 2018, 03:35 AM
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This sounds like clinical depression to me. I have it too. Nothing helps me when I'm depressed. The only thing that does help is medication. With it, I can function as a normal human being and even experience happiness. Have you talked to your doctor about anti-depressants?
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