How long can I keep going on about my depression?
How many times can I call T and tell him it's unbearable?
How many times can I tell pdoc how awful I feel and how the meds aren't doing anything?

I write and I talk and I explain.
So what?
It doesn't go away.

My coffee is done, but I don't feel like pouring it.
The %#@&#! toilet got stuck and I don't feel like plunging it.
I have a XMAS list for my husband, most of which I can buy online, but I don't feel like doing it.
In order to do that I need to figure how much money I have-- and in order to do that I need to pay bills-- and in order to do that I need to go through the enormous stack of mail that has accumlated since this started.
I know showers make me feel a little better and I take one everyday, but I don't feel like taking one.
I can't imagine going to work tomorrow and Friday.
I don't want to go back to NY for XMAS.
I feel like I never want to do anything again.

edited to add: uh oh. Now I just looked out the window and boy, do I love snow-- but now my car is getting covered and I don't feel like clearing it off to go to class this evening.

It hurts. Like someone kicked me in the chest.

[Perna]

I think "going on" about something is a form of working with it and an "action". Complaining does help us, bleeds out some of the pus that is in our heads and that only we know about?

No, it doesn't suddenly go away but it may be getting better very slowly. Think of a bad wound, a burn, and how they have to debride it daily and the pain of that and the cleaning over and over and how slowly it heals.

Do something different with the coffee. Do you know the acid in coffee is good for some plants? Get a glass of water and pour a little coffee (few tablespoons) into it and water the plants you're fond of killing :-)

You don't have to plunge the toilet until you need it again, then it will be a "logical" part of going.

How many gifts do you have to buy your husband? Assign numbers in some sort of rank order and then dates or times to buy each. Just making a "plan" will make you feel better. Doesn't matter if later you don't follow the plan or scrap it for a new one, etc.

How much money. Separate the mail into two piles, money and other. Open and quickly round up all the money stuff to the nearest $5 or $10 and subtract that total from your checkbook (or wherever) to get a rough idea of how much money you have/can use. Round the rough idea up to the nearest $25 or $50 over so you make an error in your favor :-) and will be pleasantly surprised when you do the real deal; it will be like finding $7 in your coat pocket or something :-)

Open a new bar of soap and put it in the shower and the wrapper in the bathroom trashcan. That will smell good and might intice you to the shower. If you don't feel like a shower, think of another little something that feels almost as good -- slippers on your feet? Music? Put a CD on.

You don't have to imagine tomorrow or Friday. Stay with today and right now, what would feel good now.

Don't go to New York for XMas. Go afterwards. We're having a family get together on the 28th, have outlawed presents for those over 18 (everyone but the two grandchildren). Skip the Christmas scene if it's too much and plan something for later/mid-January or February when everyone is getting tired of winter and there's not much going on.

Good thing there's no such thing as "anything". You don't have to do anything again. How about a nap? Do/did you ever have a "favorite" time of day? I've always had an affinity for 4:30 in the afternoon, things seem to have a before/after quality and get better/worse/"different" on either side? You got anything like that? If you do, make something good up about one side or the other :-)

Do things for only 5 minutes at a time. One can do anything for 5 minutes. Look at bills for 5 minutes, gifts, work or Christmas plans, getting ready to make dinner, etc.

[Perna]

Just thought of another idea I once thought up, used, and enjoyed.

Make a 5-10 items "Not-going-to-do List" instead of a "To-do List". It feels very liberating. Instead of trying to talk yourself into doing what you know in your heart you're not going to do. . . you get rid of them for the moment and can concentrate on what you know you have to/will do.