Burned out and depressed.

I ate and took my pills. They provided that nice temporary lift that's fizzling out now.

He's in need of extra care tonight. I'll manage okay. He keeps developing more problems on top of his old ones. It's outpacing my ability to keep up. I'm not as young as I was when he first started needing care, which wasn't young either. He's lucky he got as much out of me as he did.

Aging is taking a toll on me too. Today I can just about walk on my left foot - Achilles tendinosis. Tomorrow I have to take him to the VA for some tests.

I better put some calls in tomorrow and make appointments to visit some facilities on Thurs. when I don't have a busy day. At least, I've made a decision. Something in me snapped, and I know I have to arrange other care for him. I'm resigned to that, and I'm resolved to proceed. There's risk involved. He's not going to get great care . . . not in the Medicaid-reliant dumps in the backward state where I live. I'll visit and do some hygiene and wound care. But I'm going to do some letting go. Till now I really never have. I'll have to. I'm just spent. More mentally than physically. Part of that is him not being the most cooperative or responsible person to care for. Some of the results of that are going to have to be on him.

Yes, I'm afraid that's true, Rose. It won't be 100% comfortable for you because you are a giver. But you are human and you can only take so much punishment. Hope you get some sleep.

I made salad and cooked fish. I served dinner. I offered companionship, as we ate watching evening television that we like. Soon as he eats last bite on plate, he likes dirty dish removed. I take away the dishes to kitchen. I start to scrape dishes and clean kitchen. He lets out a loud moan. I respond. He wants TV shut off and his bed prepared and various lights put out.

I'm hurt. Before I can even clean up after supper, he is ready to be attended to so he can get settled for the night. I tell him, "I'm not a servant to be dismissed after the meal . . . then summoned for your next need."

People eat together. Then they spend part of the evening together. One is allowed some time to clean up. Then one is encouraged to relax, before going on to the next caregiving task. I'm not someone he hired. He forgets who I am.

This is why I'm falling apart. It is not the work. It is being regarded as though I were a household appliance.

It feels awful.

Maybe he doesnt know whats going to happen next when you leave the room, he just knows that hes alone. And his cognition at this point is such that he cant initiate things very well for himself? Or maybe thats his new normal - after dinner, he needs to start moving towards bed. If he dilly dallys for an hour, he wont have the strength to get to bed?

There is some truth in all those things, Luna.

I ask myself am I being unfair. Maybe I grieve for when things were different.

But I've been around a lot of people with dementia, many worse than his. Lots of them could convey some appreciation.

To be fair, he does get confused when he can't see me. Sometimes he would call my cell phone when I was still in the house. He never, ever did have much understanding about helping another person's morale.

Rose, I think the way he treats you is awful and I'm glad you're able to speak up and say how you feel. It really doesn't take much for a person just to say, "Thank you for all you do," and/or give you a little hug. That really doesn't take all that much effort and it makes so much difference.

It's too bad there's no one attending to your needs with the meticulous devotion that you attend to his.

I hope you are continuing looking into giving yourself at least some time off from this demanding patient.

I visited some facilities today. The VA gave me a list. Some I'ld even worked in. Some I knew not to even consider. I picked out a small one that was very clean. The admissions coordinator there said they would have a bed Monday. I looked at the Medicare website that rates nursing homes. This one I liked was rated above average. I found an alternative facility that also had beds opening up next week. I let the VA social worker know my choices. I may hear tomorrow that we have a place reserved. He might get admitted to one or the other early next week. The VA will pay. It will be a two week stay. Now I'm so glad I started this process. I just have to manage a few more days, and then I won't be on this 24 hour a day treadmill.

During the two weeks, I can gain some perspective. His care needs have gotten much heavier. I may need to stop being his around the clock, 7 days a week, source of everything. Besides the strain on me physically, I keep feeling demoralized. He's never been good at giving credit or voicing appreciation. He takes me utterly for granted.

Rose, I really feel its time to reclaim at least parts of your life. You cant avoid your meds and you know you are depressed.. I know how hard. It is. My partner isn’t terminal or constantly hospitalized but he has life threatening illnesses and has throughout his life chosen to ignore them and it all falls on me. It sucks the life out of me and I neglect my own issues. He just does not get or chooses not to understand what it does to me tho I keep trying to explain that. I think you and I have serious issues with co-dependency, letting our instincts to take care of others push out taking care of ourselves. This phenomena is not confined to women, but traditionallly we have had the nurturing caretaking role and many women have lost themselves in nurturing others. When it is obvious that we are not taking care of ourselves, we have to break out of the rut. Kudos for getting the home aide. I urge you to go forward on your list of steps that can be taken to gradually or wholly reclaim your life. We’re with you, lady, as are the millions of caregivers across the country. I read that there is legislation in Congress to do a lot more for caregivers since this is such a common situation. Try to get out of the house when the home aide comes. You could sleep when he does. Oversleeping is often from depression as You know.

This morning I'm taking him to one hospital for imaging to check for shrinkage or spread of cancer. Then we go to a different hospital (VA) for bloodwork. I have no attendant today. Physically lifting him is getting tough. I hope a nursing home can accept him early next week. His adult kids are encouraging me to take advantage of this opportunity for a break.

He and I got irritated with each other last evening. Maybe I will find myself happier when he is in the nursing home. It's possible I may decide to request a permanent bed for him.

I dont know how you are doing this work. I can barely take care of myself. I admit, i am lazy and depressed and unmotivated!

Last night he was okay with going to the nursing home, so I can have this break (to get his apartment cleaned and straightened up.) There wasn't any argument over that. I thought it was going to be a good evening. I'ld brought in a rotisserie chicken, which he enjoyed. I tucked him in bed as comfortable as I could arrange, after showering him and changing dressings on him.

We were getting along well. I was telling him how I would try to get a better hospital bed ordered and delivered, during the respite period. I praised him for cooperating with the care I was doing and told him he was doing well, considering he had two sore skin problems. (Reaction to his treatment.)

When I thought I had him settled, I went to phone my sister. As usual, soon as I went into a different room, he was loudly calling me. Do this, do that. I told him I was going outside to sit in the car to make my phone call, so I could have a phone chat in peace. I returned 45 mins later. He was acting nicer. I told him my sister sent him a kiss, which I gave him.

This was midnight, but he suddenly wanted to get up and for me to fix him something to eat. I was okay with that and looked for what I could get for him. Then somehow we started fussing with each other. Next I put him to bed again. Every time he moves, I'm physically lifting him. Then at 2 a.m. he wanted to get up again. I couldn't talk him out of that, so I helped him up and to his chair. Earlier I had cried thinking I'ld be sad not having him at home for 2 weeks. Suddenly, @ 2:30 a.m. I started looking forward to his going away to the facility.

During all this fussing around after midnight, I told him this was getting to be too much for me and, also, that we just can't seem to be at peace with each other. He said the problem is me. Finally, we both were asleep.

Right now we are at an xray place where he is getting scanned. My heart feels cold toward him. After this, I take him to the VA to have blood drawn. Then a nurse is coming to see us to bring dressing supplies for the sores he has developed. Then I have to start cleaning and cooking.

Right now my heart is cool toward him. That usually blows over. But I am glad we'll have some time and space away from each other. (Though I'll probably be at the nursing home everyday, bringing him stuff and picking up his laundry.) Right now I feel like I can't go back to even just a few more months of what I've been doing.

Soon my heart will soften. If I get the apartment cleaned up nice, while he's gone, I will feel organized and less stressed. But we don't get along. There is all this turmoil. It's not going to change. Our arguments have gotten a bitterness to them. I've gotten resentful. He never can put himself in my shoes. It's going to get harder, as he gets sicker. Last night, before dinner, he said, "I appreciate you being here." That pleased me so much and warmed my heart. Yet, still, I thought: "Sure . . . I'm handy to have around."

Maybe you should talk to someone? Is there a group or something?

I'm so sorry you' and him are going through all of this, Rose76 You're doing the right thing by taking him to a nursing home and taking good care of yourself! I'm really happy that you're going to have a break from all of this soon! Please do consider finding a permanent bed for him there at the nursing home! You've been through so much! It's time for you to dedicate some time for yourself! Please don't feel guilty about taking good care of yourself! You're JUST AS IMPORTANT as he or everyone else is! You ARE IMPORTANT, you MATTER ands you're WORTH IT! Please keep repeating that to yourself until you believe it because IT IS TRUE! I hope things will get better soon for both of you! I'm so sorry you're struggling! I'm so sorry you have to deal with such a difficult situation! You don't deserve to get through all of this at all! You don't deserve to suffer at all! Nobody deserves to suffer at all, certainly not you! Take great care of yourself! Please don't give up hope! Try to hang on as much as you can! I completely agree with what all the wonderful people on this thread have already wisely said better than I ever could! You've been given lots of great, wonderful advice on this thread! I'd suggest to follow it if you can! I completely agree with unaluna! Try to talk to someone else that may be able to help you get through all of this if you can and want! Anyone or anything that may be able to help you get through all of this! Of course we're all here for you as well if you need support! Remember that we're here for you if you need ANY KIND OF SUPPORT! We all care about you here! We all love you here! Feel free to vent and write here as much as you need it and want to! You know we'll never judge you! You know we'll never abandon you! I promise you that! Sending many hugs to you, Rose76! Stay strong, stay safe and take great care of yourself because YOU DESERVE IT and YOU'RE WORTH IT! YOU ROCK! PLEASE REMEMBER THAT!

Rose, I can't imagine what you're feeling. The anticipatory grieving is wearing you out. It's obvious you aren't taking care of yourself but that's hard when you're running on empty.
Can you look into hospice care for him? Maybe then you could focus on you . I wish I had more to offer.

Me too, Una. Me too. To me, Rose is, like, a SuperBeing...

And Rose, I have to tell you how wonderfully inspiring it is to see you taking these steps for yourself. So often people get stuck in a hopeless downward vortex and believe they absolutely cannot do anything for themselves, when that is just what is required.

I love that people are encouraging you, strengthening you. Please hang in there. Take it one day at a time.

I agree with the both of you . She is doing the work of many with little appreciation.

Thanks to all of you, and hugs to everyone. I just have to get through to Monday morning, when I take him to the nursing home. I just woke up from a mini-nap. I'm tired and drained.

I felt like I couldn't make it to Monday morning. I fell asleep in a chair and woke up to find that my bf had gotten out of bed and made his way to a chair without help. This is dangerous. Normally he uses a walker, but mostly a wheelchair. I got angry.

Slowly it dawned on me that I'm blaming him for behavior that probably is not under his control, as he has significant dementia that worsens when be is ill. Then it dawned on me that I am angry because I am trying to manage a situation that has become beyond what I can manage, singlehandedly at home. I called his adult daughter, who was supportive and told him to listen to me. I thanked her, but knew anyone admonishing this man was going to get nowhere.

Then it occurred to me that, by Monday morning, the 2 infections he has would probably get worse. Then I asked myself why I do so have to wait for the nursing home to help. So I called 911 and said I have a sick man who cannot cooperate with getting the care he needs at home.

I told the paramedics about his skin sores getting worse day-by-day and his behavioral problems getting dangerous. I even got my bf to agree he needed medical attention.

So now he's in the ER sound asleep in a bed. I am here waiting to talk to whatever doctors come by. I feel relieved that what was becoming a crisis may be about to get reasonably sorted out.

I'm hoping they will keep him here till Monday, during which time they can treat his two infections. He was not wanting me to care for his two wound areas. Here they can give him stronger pain medication and even sedation, if that's what it takes for him to tolerate care for his back. This started with a reaction to a toxic cancer drug that caused this awful rash that became 2 open sores. He can't stand me touching them. Well, why should he? I was making up my own treatment, which the oncologist encouraged me to do. But these areas appear infected and are becoming ulcerated. It should be a doctor familiar with this reaction to prescribe the treatment and dressing. And I'm not taking him out of here till they do exactly that.

Certain things just did not occur to me, until I became totally exasperated. I needed to realize that I am not the only party responsible to address all this. The hospital that treats his cancer has a duty to evaluate and treat a serious adverse reaction he is having to his cancer medication.

The staff here have been very nice. The feeling I had of total exasperation has lifted. My bf and I just needed more help - now - of the right kind. I think we've found it.

I'm grateful for all the encouraging posts. Sometimes I try for too long by myself to fix a problem that others, besides me, should be working on.

My bf will be admitted. What a load off my mind and shoulders. Everyone at this big hospital has been so nice and eager to help us. I thought I'ld have to fight, threaten or plead. None of that was needed. They seem to pretty much see the situation as I see it. It's amazing how reasonable people can be, if you bring a problem to them in a way that makes them responsible to help solve it.

What through me off was that one cancer doctor and the nurses who come to the home encouraging me to just do what I thought best and seeming to have great faith that I could singlehandedly care for this man's maladies, which were worsening. I was allowing some healthcare professionals to get away with not having to take much responsibility, so they didn't. The healthcare system will happily ignore deterioration in an elderly person. You have to toss that problem right into their lap and say, "Don't you think something is really wrong here, and what do you think should be done about it?" Then let them figure it out. Amazingly, they may do exactly that.

Days of being alone with my bf's deteriorating condition were getting me into an awful state of mind. The posts that I read Friday were very uplifting and, I think, helped me to believe that there were alternatives to how I was approaching things. I just had to let go of what was getting me nowhere and expect to discover a better option.

All of the above is not to say that I haven't also been plagued by my bf expecting me to meet his each and every need 24/7. I am making more allowances now for him being very sick. That doesn't mean I should go back to allowing him to have ridiculous expectations. But the real problem was me having ridiculous expectations of myself.

Yes, and that may be the hardest part for you. Maybe you have to learn to be a little selfish. Dirty word, yes?

Awhile back I listened to some lectures by a psychiatrist who was talking about the Lou Gehrig syndrome; that those people whose self-abnegation was complete, who gave everything they had to help others, were destined to succumb to sickness themselves.

I realize this is a little at odds with some philosophies, which advocate laying yourself down completely for other people and letting them walk all over you.

I came home, slept a few hours and then just have kind of vegetated. What horrifies me the most is that the apartment is so messy. It's just a bunch of stuff out of place, piles of laundry, dishes from the last 2 or 3 meals piled up, unopened mail, unmade beds, clean laundry that never got put away and boxes of supplies for care needs piled here and there, unemptied waste baskets, sticky kitchen counters, clothes not hung up.

I wonder how many other people, prone to depression, find that they become very disorganized after a prolonged episode of feeling demoralized . . . or even after a not so long interval of that. When I'm in a positive frame of mind, I can demonstrate perfectly adequate homemaking/housekeeping skills. I'm actually good at cleaning and organizing. But it astounds me what a disorderly, chaotic environment I can create in less than a week of being in the throes of an emotional downturn. I don't know where to start!

But it can all be sorted out, starting anywhere, just putting things where they belong. It's not like the place got flooded or hit by a tornado. Still, I look around, and I feel intimidated by the size of the task at hand. I think, "Will I ever straighten all this out and get things back to normal? Haven't I just let too much "go by the boards," so that I will never catch up?"

At least he's not here bemoaning how bad the place looks and pointing out what an eyesore every corner of the house is. I won't have that pressure for awhile. I can relax and make a steady effort, without hearing, "When are you going to start this, and when are you going to finish that?" Lately, I've felt under constant pressure: "I need some water. What are you making for dinner? Isn't there a decent movie on TV? I'm cold; can't you turn up the heat? When you gonna vacuum this rug? I thought you were going to write checks today? Do we need all these lights on? Can't you straighten out those throw pillows? Would you mind closing the blinds? You better gas that car up! Do we have anything sweet in the fridge? What are you doing now? How long you gonna be on that computer? I could go for some coffee. Here, take this plate away. Aren't you going to bed soon?" He is not a tyrant, but more like a relentless noodge. It's almost comical. I know he wishes that he could get up and do things, but give me a chance.

I feel kind of at peace now in the apartment alone. I'm telling myself that even a small accomplishment, like getting the dishes done, will make me feel better. I could listen to the radio, and it wouldn't seem so tedious. Once I get the ball rolling, momentum will take over. No one is timing me. I can take breaks. No one will criticise how far I get tonight. Best if all, I have a good two weeks of all that pressure being off me. I can do one thing at a time. When I wake up in the morning, I can sit quietly with a cup of tea. I won't be immediately "on duty."

I think I'm going to be okay. He called from the hospital and he was okay. He told me to take it easy tonight . . . that I didn't have to run back there. That was unselfish of him. I'm very glad I called 911 last night. Now everything isn't on me.

I very much appreciate you mentioning anticipatory grieving. We all know that those we love will not live forever. By a certain age, most people have been through loss preceded by anticipatory grieving. It is part of life.

In the case of my guy, doctors started telling me a few years ago that his demise was around the corner. I don't fault them for giving him that prognosis. It certainly seemed justified. His family have visited multiple times, each time thinking they were seeing him for the last time. I've spent two Christmases with him, where each time I thought that was our last Christmas together. Last Spring I tended the garden he started, wanting him to fully enjoy the last time he would see his flowers bloom. Now Spring comes again, and the plants want tending. But I haven't had time for them.

How many times do I have to put my heart into another "last time" only to have to do it again? How long does the Grim Reaper get to show up at the door, only to hang around and hang around, and his shadow never leaves? He threatens, but then holds back. Not so my guy can recover, because my bf doesn't recover. He just lives on with worse and worse afflictions and debilities. Not so I can mourn and pass through the mourning, because the ordeal isn't over. We're both trapped in this waiting place. He's a positive thinker. But I forget how many hospital admissions ago it was when he said, "I keep coming to the hospital, but I don't think I'm going to get better." What stunned me was I had known that for many months, and he was just realizing it.

I spent all of Saturday in my head. I accomplished nothing.

I hope tomorrow I will use my new situation (of not having to do caregiving around the clock) to start to improve my life. It feels like there is still something very wrong with me.

I have to make some small goals and meet them. Any encouragement will be appreciated.

Now I might sleep. Too spent to do anything now.