Week #5

Today is the first day of week 5 at work.

Work went pretty well even though some people really bring out the worst feelings in me. but i try to keep professional with everyone in any situation. maybe its impossible and not in the human nature, but i try very hard at least. anyway, as the first day of the week, i was rested, more focused and more willing to prove myself i AM improving even if slowly. it worked out pretty well. the mind is a powerful tool. i didnt let the first difficulties to ruin the day and make me feel totally incompetent. i actually tried to see my doubts as a sign of intelligence. its hard but i try and i think this is the best way to go about my feelings of inferiority and incompetence.

Also, too bad i didnt get to keep my resolutions about food. i've been gulping down more chocolate than ever. maybe i was trying to see if i would have gotten nauseated with it so that i would have stopped eating it - and it happened for a few hours but then i would crave it again. maybe the opposite will work. if i dont eat any of it, i'll get used at living without it. this too happened in the past so i'll try. i hope.

Also, i cooked for myself. the result was barely edible, but at least i tried something new. im proud for even trying. maybe next time i'll do better.
I've also thought about going back at the clinic and about my T and exT. but im not ready yet to go down the abyss.

Actually something stranger happened today. i've started thinking/fantasizing about how it would be to have feelings for my coworker. i dont feel i already have them, i only like him, but for the first time i thought i could have feelings. that it could be possible. up to now it was unthinkable. i dont want to have feelings for anyone, i dont want to love anyone, it would be too hard, too complicated, too risky and just plainly impossible for a lot of reasons. but the thought of it kind of comforted me because then it means im a bit more normal than i thought….