It doesn't matter

Nothing matters. I have figured that out. I don't care anymore. I'm a peice of crap. It doesn't matter. I need counseling but money does not get saved. It doesn't matter. Nothing matters. I hope I die soon. But that doesn't matter either. Nothing matters.

Isn't that great to know?

Nothing matters - Nothing at all.

Until it matters again, you sometimes gotta play through the motions.

Feel free to shoot me a message. I'll be here on and off today.

I used to feel that way. It's been 15 years of this crap. There has to be something better for both of us.

I got out of this for 2yrs. Spent 30yrs in depression prior. I know it can be done. But this time - my trigger was ppl turning on me for unknown reasons - and whenever I try to talk I get told how I am to blame in some way or to hush .. or if I try to get counseling, that's a no go too. So - I simply dont see it anymore. Ppl here seem to be the only ones who care n even here sometimes its hard to feel "heard".

I don't know.

Maybe it is me.

Maybe I am all wrong.

The main point is you got out of this crap for 2 yrs!! It can be done but if the people around you don't believe you, maybe it's time to change people. I don't know if that's possible for you.

It would be one thing if it were one or two - but it was my entire social circle. Those who had known me for years n those who just met me.

See when I was in my long depression, I weeded out my social circle to the point I only had my husband left "full time", my sister n dad were "partial contact" .. and there was nobody else period. From then on - I was very cautious on who I let in my social circle and weeded it out as needed. So - when everyone turned on me .. that threw me.

Since then, I wouldn't say I've had triggers - but not being able to talk makes it bigger then add in any day to day problem n that becomes another reason until soon I no longer need a reason .. and I passed that point a day after I rejoined PC. So now its just plain old depression. I originally was trying to keep it from getting severe - that failed. So now .. it is what it is. Perhaps it wont get dark n desparate. That's the only hope I have. Yet - I dont hold out much.