[Shi m]

I'm a teenager with a history of depression and right now my father is in hospice. He's had cancer for the past 9 years so I've known this was coming but I'm taking it harder than I expected. For the past year and a half I've been clawing my way out of a deep pit of depression, and I'm afraid that my father's death is going to push me right to rock bottom. I'm not sure I could get through this. Plus I have a complicated relationship with him. I want him to die cuz it's so hard to live with him because he's so sick and has a difficult personality. But he's also my father and he has some amazing qualities. Anyone else here lose a parent at a young age and can understand?

[Mendingmysoul]

Your relationship with your father sounds just like mine with my mom.I feel like I never had a mother,but still I miss her.I think with abusive parents we develop trauma bonding.I am glad you are trying to find answers here.

[Shi m]

Originally Posted by Mendingmysoul

Your relationship with your father sounds just like mine with my mom.I feel like I never had a mother,but still I miss her.I think with abusive parents we develop trauma bonding.I am glad you are trying to find answers here.

That's exactly how I feel about my dad. Between his personality and him being sick for so long it really feels like I never had a father.

[Mendingmysoul]

Originally Posted by Shi m

That's exactly how I feel about my dad. Between his personality and him being sick for so long it really feels like I never had a father.

Awww....I am so sorry dear.

[MrGuermo]

A deep **** bro. I would not even care if my father would die. He is toxic/abusive. I have cut off a contact with him like 1 year ago. Behind my back he said I am useless and he was pretending to be nice.

But I have had clashes with him not once in the past. At the age of 13-14 I've escaped from house, because he wanted to beat me, and I just couldnt let him to do it. I hate being humiliated (I was not once in the past and it was hurtful for me). But I knew I had to go back to a home. The same day father had an argument with mother and left the house.

He was working very far from the house, so very rarely he was in the home anyway. I have never felt any emotional attachment to him , even when I was 5-6 to this day. A psychologist examined me when i was 6 and said to my mother, that I dont have any emotional attachment to father and I am a bit neglected. Father just was in the home once per month or smth like that, and usually drank a lot and there was many arguments. Maybe thats why I have problems to connect emotionally to ppl now. I dont feel an attachment to my siblings.

But the good side of the story is my mother, she is very empathetic, sensitive etc. She just was abused, but thanks to her I have some good traits now. To this day my mother is the most important person to me. I am glad I have her, otherwise who knows how my life would be now.

Still I think my childhood was good. I was a very happy kid, to this day I am happy MOTHER I AM VERY GRATEFUL TO YOU

[AceRimmer]

My mother died when I was 13. She had been sick for a long time so it was actually a relief. Your father has probably been in a lot of pain and when he dies he will be free of it. Think of it that way and maybe it won't hurt as badly.

[downandlonely]

I haven't lost a parent yet. Can't imagine what you are going through.

Are you getting help for your depression?

[MickeyCheeky]

Your feelings are COMPLETELY understandable, @Shi m, and I am SO SORRY for what you're BOTH going through! On one hand, he is your father. On the others hand, if he's abusive to you or is neglecting you it's hard to have too much of an emotional attachment. Your feelings are COMPLETELY valid so please don't feel guilty about them! My advice would be to take ALL the time you need to grieve your Loss if your father will TRULY pass away. Hopefully nothing bad will happen to him. If he does, grieve your Loss and allow yourself to feel sad about it, or whatever other emotion you will feel at the moment of his passing. Remember that feelings are never WRONG as you can't really control them. So feel whatever you want to feel, accept it, embrace it. That's ALL you can do! Hopefully you'll be able to work on yourself as well. Are you currently seeing a Therapist? I feel like that could help A LOT so please give it a thought if you can afford it and if you're not seeing one already of course! Please treat yourself with kindness. I hope your father will get out of this ok. Nevertheless, even though he IS your father, you don't "owe" him anything if he's treating you badly so definitely get out of the house if it's a possibility for you. Are there ANY other Family Members you can reach out to? Any Friends? Do you go to school? Can you talk to your Teachers? In ANY case, PLEASE TREAT YOURSELF WITH AS MUCH KINDNESS AS YOU POSSIBLY CAN! Feel free to PM me ANYTIME when you need SOMEONE to talk to and when you need Advice And Support of ANY kind, ok? PLEASE DO THAT IF YOU WISH TO DO SO! I AM SURE PLENTY OF OTHERS WILL ALSO GLADY HELP YOU AS WELL IF YOU JUST AKS FOR HELP! Sending many safe, warm hugs to BOTH You, @Shi m, Your Family, Your Friends And ALL Of Your Loved Ones! PLEASE DO KEEP FIGHTING AND DO KEEP ROCKING AS MUCH AS YOU POSSIBLY CAN LIKE YOU'RE ALREADY WONDERFULLY DOING ALL AND ENTIRELY BY YOURSELF AND ALL AND ENTIRELY ON YOUR OWN! PLEASE DO KEEP FIGHTING AND DO KEEP ROCKING AS MUCH AS YOU POSSIBLY CAN LIKE YOU'RE ALREADY WONDERFULLY DOING ALL AND ENTIRELY BY YOURSELF AND ALL AND ENTIRELY ON YOUR OWN!