Following passion not helping

It is often encouraged that we who suffer from depression pursue things that have, in the past, outside of depression, been or are things we enjoy, things that are our passion or bliss.

I used to be involved in theatre, and it was a big part of the joy in my life. It has been a decade since I have done anything remotely related, and almost two decades since I have been involved in an acting capacity.

I decided to audition for a show I've wanted to be a part of in some way, and I ended up getting a role. As we stumble toward opening weekend in a little over a week, I find myself in mental/emotional place that is worse than when I started. Now I am not making a direct connection between one affecting the other in negative ways, but I am making the observation that the opposite expectation or hope is what I experiencing right now.

If it was an endeavor that effected only me, like hiking or running or knitting, I would just take a break and regroup, coming back to it when I felt more able to cope. However, the nature of theatre being a colaborative activity involving many others makes this impossible. I feel stuck and depressed, in something that I should be feeling encouraged in doing. It sucks.

Feeling so low just makes it all the more difficult to study, practice, and remember my lines and blocking (movement on stage). Rehearsals are just efforts in not feeling like a failure, even if I will probably be okay when it's all said and done.

I'm sorry you're having this reaction. It must feel disheartening. Typically, when a person is trying to return to work, following a period of illness, the recommendation is to start out part-time to ensure the person doesn't put too much pressure on themselves too soon. Perhaps your situation is similar?

It might have been good to have started out initially in some capacity that didn't require you to be on stage. Or, if you were going to be on stage, it might have been best had it been what I believe is sometimes referred to as a "cameo" appearance. But, of course, that's easy for me to say. And hindsight is always 20/20, as the saying goes.

Thanks for sharing your experience with this though. I do believe there is something to be said for using one's passion to do battle with one's depression. But it's not as simple a process as it can sometimes sound. Hopefully the experience you've shared here can be of help to someone else who has depression & who's thinking about following their bliss.

Thank you. You're probably right about having started off more lightly. In all honesty, I didn't think I'd have gotten cast and would have been encouraged that I simply put myself out there. In such case, I'd have volunteered to do something else for the show. But here I am. It's not that some part of me doesn't still enjoy it, but the depression clouds that and makes it difficult to really immerse myself in it all. I'm just bearing the experience, if that makes sense. Here's hoping there is some kind of shift within the next week . . .