[3rd rock]

I finally got around to burying my budgie, Dolly. I kept putting it off but I did it.

I am honing my killer instinct. So that it works for me and not against. There is an in house posting for the job I want to get promoted to. So I am applying, and will write a careful, steady, and reasonable cover letter while giving them a updated resume of how I have been working towards the next job. I need to figure out my next moves after this. The amount of effort it takes to smile at work and look like a normal person, neat, tidy, with a certain soulfulness, is tiring. So is getting along with my coworkers. They trigger me. But I will be the most beautiful and smart person and I will get along with everyone. The cover letter should express how I have been working, that I have the terminology and knowledge, and that I am merely expressing an interest in the position and hope to someday train for it.

This Christmas season I bought myself two reasonably priced presents. One is good for my soul and career, the other is a stuffed animal (a strawberry!) that I actually regret buying even though it was only 10 dollars. I have long wanted something to cuddle with. But now that I do, I feel spoiled. The daily tears came and I did not cuddle it. I hugged myself instead. Maybe I just am not in the habit of hugging a toy. Perhaps I'll give it to charity.

I'd like badly to see a ballet or orchestra performance, too. And I'd like a sweater from Zumiez that says " A Lost Cause" on it, or "The Road To Nowhere". I also want a new skateboard.

I'd better save that spending for later! Christmas season is coming up, and all I ask for are actually essentials, like new socks. Most of my socks have holes.

I'm feeling better about going home. I've planned it out and I will be neutral and detached. I don't expect their understanding or kindness. It's more like a business trip than anything else. I think I should get them a small gift though.

[Deilla]

I'm worried today. I have a dental appointment later. I really don't want to leave my house but I will try to go. It makes me anxious.

[Breaking Dawn]

I'm doing ok.

Tired, but OK.

From the middle of the night early this morning until late this afternoon, I felt like I had a string of weirdness just happening. In the middle of the night I got woken up by what sounded like a dial tone and then a phone ringing that was real loud. I've heard it from cars before, but this one was real loud. And then I had a weird dream just before having to get up.

I went to another site's discussion board this morning (although this site is much better than that one) and it had been shut down. There was never an announcement that it was going to close, but I wouldn't have been surprised if it was. It was back on tonight, but no explanation.

Work was kind of slow today. Also something happened that upset me at work and ruined the day. I worked out after work and that made me feel a little bit better.

[Deilla]

A little anxious. I have to go to the pharmacy today. And I need a few things while out.

I think I have control over my SAD now (that means that I think I will be able to find the balance during my days that I need to not sink deeper into it). Thanks to all being here and who have given me hugs while I struggled to get in under control!

[kumy]

I just slept two hours, so not the best start for my day. But today I see my T and I hope that, together, we can make it better.

[Breaking Dawn]

I'm doing ok. And, like Singer47, I appreciate all of you. Hugs to you all!

Was feeling much better today than yesterday. Except that I feel like I don't like my job as much as I used to. But I am thankful for it; at least it pays me fairly well.

[Deilla]

I'm Okay. I could use some more sleep. Maybe a little later on. Today I plan to relax. Might do a few chores so that I feel productive.

[3rd rock]

I just hate living in this city so much.

[jrae]

I don't know anymore seriously just don't know. overwhelmed, crazy exhausted, little appetite, high anxiety, D getting worse, feeling super alone, and just scared out of my mind........

[TerryL]

been feeling sad...wish i could fix me...

[Deilla]

Felt good when I first woke up, but now I'm starting to feel bad. I've been thinking about trying to go to the pharmacy today. The thought of leaving the house depresses me. I'm not sure what I will do. Maybe just go back to bed.

[puzzclar]

Originally Posted by jrae

I don't know anymore seriously just don't know. overwhelmed, crazy exhausted, little appetite, high anxiety, D getting worse, feeling super alone, and just scared out of my mind........

I have felt those. I'm still trying to overcome them and I know it takes one step at a time. What's your next step?

[puzzclar]

In my life, I am faced with the option to fly, so to speak. Will I soar above the depression, fear, anxiety, and grief? It's been almost 10 years of being on these forums, am I any closer to feeling better?

Can I let myself feel better?

What will my life be like after the assignments of my grad program? Will I be free and able to help others?

I have been in my own head for most of these 10 years, that I have not been around here much. Am I able to spread hope? How much soul-searching will I be able to handle in one day? Do I need a break?

I'm filled with questions. I hope I find answers soon

[mote.of.soul]

Not happy at all with my inability to cope with terrible social anxiety.

I'll be reaching out to a mental health organization sometime soon, to see if they can help. I need a support worker, a helper. I can't handle going to supermarkets/stores/doctors appointment/walking down the road[!]/anything!!!, on many, many days, which leaves me alone and very depressed.

I'm tired of all this, if you know what I mean. I'm 50 now.

[Deilla]

Today is going well. I've been busy with house chores and socializing with family.

[Breaking Dawn]

Generally ok.

Well, I didn't get promoted but managers gave me the ok to started training for the job I want. I trained for the first time yesterday and it was great. I am really happy with this result (I knew I wouldn't get the job anyway). In a way I am fearless to step into the new department like that. They do real work on some pretty high profile projects. But I do not get star struck easily.

Coworkers still triggering me and with the new development of me training it really has put a strain on things. Our company loves to hire from within, but usually you only get to train after a year. I've barely been here six months.

I got really triggered yesterday and the day before by my immediate coworkers. I'm trying to just be quiet and lay low for now. Who knows, in a matter of months I may be promoted.

Last day of school is tomorrow. I have an assignment missing. I am stressed.

Easily triggered is an apt description of me. I am insecure and unstable... socially anxious and empty. This needs to change.

I was so tired I could not get from the couch to my bed last night. So I am not well rested. I don't know why but maybe things are ok. But I always feel just awful. I worry a lot about myself, how i act, maybe I am not a good person. Maybe I haven't done enough, or maybe people don't like me. It feels like I am very alone in the world, so I don't know who I can trust, who I can talk to. And then when I talk to the wrong people I get triggered. Then people say I am rude for being triggered, maybe I have a bite reaction when hurt. But that leads to me being misunderstood and even more alone.

[3rd rock]

Well, the worst book I've ever written is done.

[3rd rock]

I keep writing horrible books that no one would ever want to read, and I keep failing to improve. It takes a special kind of stupid and lazy to keep on resolutely refusing to improve at all. Most people would gradually get better at something if they do it long enough, but not me. I keep on writing unreadable books with crappy characters and indecipherable plots that don't go anywhere.

Christmas time means there are gifts and cookies for everyone except me.