[Twitch99]

Would you say the level of desire to kill yourself is always the same? For me it can really vary from day to day. For example in the past it has been a 10 out of 10 yet rather than giving in and following through I went to bed and went to sleep. Once I woke up I was much better, relatively speaking, I was probably a 5 or 6. Is that normal? It makes me feel like "I'm just faking it" and like "I'm a small child pitching a fit", because if i were truly suicidal a "simple nap" wouldn't fix that.

[bpcyclist]

I am really glad you posted this. SI has been a huge, massive problem for me for the past few months. I originally joined PC as a kind of last-ditch, end-of-the-line effort to stave off the inevitable. And it has really helped with my SI. It is not nearly as bad as it was.

That said, my experience with the intensity of my SI mirrors yours. At times, it's impossibly bad. Other times, it's better. Right now, as I write this, I have none, which is fantastic. It seems to wax and wane.

That's how it is for me. I am so glad that you have been able to make it through this. Please don't give up. It does get better. It's not always a 10/10. Sometimes a good sleep can really help. Keep working your recovery program, whatever that is. If you don't think your meds are optimized, talk to your pdoc about that and see what she/he has to say. There may be some options you aren't aware of. Hang in there. Don't ever give up. You can get through this.

[Twitch99]

@bpcyclist I just recently started seeing a pdoc. Last week was only my 2nd meeting. We started off on a low dose of a mood stabilizer and have slowly increased it. I have just recently realized one of the side effects was increased anxiety. So to counter that I'm taking it right before I goto bed and it seems to be helping. So I guess I say all of that to say my medication is a slow work in progress.
The fact that I'm seeing a PDoc is a massive step because due to past events (some of which you are aware of) I really don't trust doctors. Seems like I can trust my pdoc with my meds but as of now that's all I trust her with.

[Gasplessy]

No

I think the worst state of depression is the one including existential thoughts and guilt
A mix of these two factors which are often linked to isolation, lack of activities and seasonal mood disorder, conflicts in the family or friendships, lack of sleep

Please seek support

[MtnTime2896]

I've been on that scale since I was around 10 years old. It varies, yes. Lately, it's been at a solid 4. In the past I went weeks at a 10 but then would have moments of being at more of an 8. Slowly but surely, over the past year it's steadily decline until recently. It's up a bit but still manageable, only going up to a 6 or 7.

[MickeyCheeky]

It is perfectly normal that you wouldn't feel always bad always in the same way ALL the time, @Twitch99! I find it REALLY normal that a good, relaxing nap can make you feel better. Of course it won't cure your Depressione, but it wil lift up your Mood a little bit. I am REALLY HAPPY to hear that your Meds seem to be working!! CONGRATULATIONS! Seeing a Pdoc is the hardest step in my opinion but once you do the road gets easier, although there may still be some bumps along the way. Keep trying! We are here for you! THAT'S A PROMISE! I PROMISE YOU THAT! YOU CAN REST ASSURED OF THAT! YOU CAN ABSOLUTELY AND UNDENIABLY COUNT ON ALL OF US! Sending many safe, warm hugs to BOTH you, @Twitch99, Your Family, Your Friends, Your Wife and ALL of your Loved Ones! KEEP FIGHTING AND KEEP ROCKING NO MATTER WHAT HAPPENS, OK?