Why?

My t and I talked about my defenses and I what to understand why I have to be so guarded! He likened the internal unknown to the conscious me of a castle with a large body of water and me trying to swim but not finding the gate or bridge. It's a good analogy!

And that was Friday! and I'm still thinking what will it take to break down the walls or find the bridge. And also get through the guards. Work got cancelled today and that led me to not do much.

Which leads to disasters.

I need to get active but I'm sitting down and thinking. I don't know where I go! I have projects and goals but find myself going back to where I was, but hopefully I can keep myself afloat. There is so much fear in me.

The internal unknown to the conscious me .. likened to a castle with a large body of water and me trying to swim but not finding the gate or bridge.

hmmm.... I paid for ''analytical therapy'' but in more than 4 years nothing like that insight was given. mostly blame and shame And since the pus dished out so much of that, it was what I was familiar with.

sorry for the rant in this thread, I have to find insights in other places and sift through a whole lot of stuff which is either not relevant to me or actually triggering

anxiety/fear.... etc... sucks

hugs to you

I don't think it is a good idea for us to put pressure on ourselves.

I prefer baby steps forward. Pressure is no good for me no matter where it comes from.

I am sending hugs

another insightful session. Fear stops me, and the fear of losing my mom from childhood was the trigger, or one of them. My mom had a miscarriage after she had me, and my family could have lost her. I think that remembering that has sparked something inside me.

I actually sat and did things. I worked in a Christmas present, and practiced for for a few performances that I have coming up. But my mood dropped again. I am living in fear, and it sucks.

It's hard living in fear. I am glad you are having good insights with therapy. And good for you for doing stuff. I know it's hard to get motivated sometimes.