[Abby]

‘How are you?’

Honestly, that is a stupid question. I feel crap – are these tablets helping?? No they are not! I’ve only gone back to coping again – a mechanical existence. I hate this existence. I’m still stuck within myself. I don’t even know the point of any of this. The only thing that has changed is that I have told people more so they are more wary to how I am feeling, and I feel guilty about hurting myself further. I still cut though, through frustration, and sometimes simply because I do not care to try and not cut. It is meaningless to me. I can sing sometimes whilst doing it, it is as though it is not happening to me.
I am so fed up of living in two halves. I am annoyed of this day to day me that walks around living with the insignificance of day to day life, trying still to do essays and make friends and form some type of existence that I don’t even know will even happen! It is annoying because she seems to run the day to day life whilst I am obviously the stronger one but I’m trapped only in her mind and don’t really ever get the chance to play with reality. One day I’ll break my way through and all of this will be changed, she will understand that she is not needed, that there is a greater truth. One day when I am strong enough.
It makes me so angry that I am relegated to the backgrounds, seen as only a black mass and missed by so many. Regular me cannot tell you about me because she does not want to believe I really exist – but I do! One day I wont be relegated to living outside her head. Why does she keep going?? It is truly aggravating that no matter what I fling at her she seems to continue and blank it out. She knows I am here though despite her pretence. Her admittance that there are 2 parts show’s it all.
I am her and she is me but we are 2 very different people. I don’t get much opportunity to come out, but I am here. Don’t you dare miss me!! I am fed up of her pretending that I don’t exist and not explaining to you all about me. She thinks that way it will all go away. She believes that this is just something that can solved. You know what though, I am quite fearful that she can forget me. I don’t want to disappear. I want to be real. I want to be seen.
Coping, coping, coping. Mmmm….it won’t last long. I can see her getting tired. Her plastic smile doesn’t even fool me! Does she want to get better? I think she does but she is very tired too. I do, I want to be better, I want to be heard, to be taken seriously. I am never taken seriously. Always brushed aside – I don’t understand why. I exist, why can’t I get any recognition? It’s not fair.
Ah she is pulling me away again, she wants to come back. She wants to sleep. We both do I guess. We play a little game we do, sometimes I can come out to play whilst she waits and watches, then she does what she has to do. But we are each other. We both want the same things, but she wants to maintain her façade whilst I would like to be seen. We would like to be one so we can both play together. We’re not sure how to do that though. I don’t want to be put back in my little space!!!! I want to be able to speak when I want to. I hate her bloody façade, it makes me sooo damn angry!! Why does she always get all the time. Why is she stronger than me??? I’m strong too. Why can’t I get through? AAAAAHHHHHHhh!!!! I feel noone will ever see me. I’m scared and lonely. And just so sad. I’m going now. I don’t want to talk anymore. I’m going to let her sleep. She may try and coax me into rattling thoughts around her head but I don’t want to – why should I! She doesn’t do anything for me! Damn this stupid connection we have. ……………………………………………………

ps i wrote this the other night - i put the trigger warning on just in case, i find it hard to know what is bad and good nowadays but i don't want to harm anyone else through my words...

[Cthomas]

Hey abby, sorry your feeling so crappy right now. I hate that question too. Especially since the answer is very commonly "crappy". But at least if they are asking they care right?

Its a piece of hope.....at least in my opinion when they ask. even if it seems redundant. I hope you can feel better tonite, and you my pm me anytime if you want to chat.

Hope you can find a smile through the pain tonite,
take care,
Colleen

[Perna]

Abby, make friends with Clueless and help her instead of fighting her. She's trying to make it in reality (and that can be very confusing and scary with all those other people trying to do that too) but with you "resisting" and fighting she has to do that in return as well as try to make it so can't do anything well, anymore than you can. If you both work together you both can find true satisfaction and share and be twice as strong instead of half.

[Abby]

Thanks Cthomas - you are right. I never looked at it that way...sometimes i forget because i get so wrapped up in myself.

Perna - how do i begin to make friends with her? I don't know how to work together - we are so fully seperated. Any hints?? thanks!!