[nadia533]

I am an adolescent who still lives at home with my parents and am not at the legal age to move out. I have been using marijuana to self medicate on a daily basis for the past six months. Although not the most healthy coping method, it is the most effective thing I have found even after four years of therapy. Saturday night, my parent's drug tested me. Their response to this was to ground me for a month and take my phone for a week.

This is where it started, something in me snapped. I absolutely lost my ***** and began to have a breakdown. I was taken over by a physical feeling as if every part of my body was telling me I needed to hurt someone or myself.

Possible trigger:

I took a razor blade to my skin and cut down to muscle tissue. After bandaging that,

I went upstairs to look for my parents. My whole intent was to hurt them as much as they hurt me.

When I couldn't find my mother, I walked onto my porch in the rain and sobbed while laughing, cackling. I was drenched and still laughing when my mom came home. As soon as she was out of the car, I started screaming. I said terrible, terrible things, most of which I don't regret. I just wanted her to know how much she had hurt me. I wanted to make my parents regret it.

I went psycho on my parents. I was screaming at the top of my lungs, saying I hated them, that once I was 18 they were losing me for good, that they were destroying any chance of ever having a relationship with me, and

Possible trigger:

I even told them that they made me want to kill myself.

I am fully aware that this is toxic and manipulative behavior, and yet I couldn't stop myself. I was just so filled with hatred and betrayal.

Over the past few days, the anger has just grown. It's getting difficult to lash out and punch walls or even the people around me. I've pushed most of my friends away and I have been keeping myself persistently intoxicated because anytime I'm not, I have a severe breakdown.

I have been seeing and talking to my therapist a lot and that hasn't been as helpful as I need. I know none of you have the answer but if anyone could give me some insight or advice, I would greatly appreciate it. I hate who I am turning into. I feel like such a slave to my emotions and it's so hard to keep myself alive. My parents know about the severity of my mental state but they haven't taken many actions around it.

A few nights ago, I came upstairs completely tearstained. My makeup was smeared and I looked very unstable. My parents both saw me and didn't say a word. I made myself dinner and did my chores and we didn't make eye contact. We haven't said more than a few words to each other in the past five days.

I'm scared because I don't want to stop smoking because it has had a genuine impact on me and has helped me be happier and treat myself better. I am terrified of losing that. But my parents are drug testing me regularly and they'll take my room if it's positive again. Everything is just such a mess.

Thanks

[bpcyclist]

You are aware that marijuana stays in your system for quite a long time, are you not?

Do you have a psychiatrist in all this? I'm just wondering whether there is more to this than just you 'freaking out.' Sometimes, for example, bipolar people can be unbelieveably irritable and angry and throw tantrums. Just kinda wondering about all that here.

Have you sat your parents down and told them why you are using? That you can't cope with your life without it? Just be real. Tell them what you are experiencing and that you need more help than you are getting.

Sending you positive, calming vibes. Hang in there. This will get better. It is very hard to be in the years you are now in. Just don't give up. It gets better.

[Rohag]

Hello, Nadia533.

Originally Posted by nadia533

every part of my body was telling me I needed to hurt someone or myself. ...
I couldn't stop myself. ...
I've pushed most of my friends away and I have been keeping myself persistently intoxicated because anytime I'm not, I have a severe breakdown.

It seems clear to me - I'm no professional - the level of care you are currently receiving is insufficient to address the severity of your symptoms.

Feel free to ignore the question: Do you believe whatever diagnosis you've received is accurate? (I assume a diagnosis of some sort justifies your therapy.)

I wish you relief.

[nadia533]

I was diagnosed with persistent depressive disorder and anxiety when I 11. I don't know if that diagnosis fits but I don't know of anything else more fitting. I do agree that I need more help than I am currently receiving. I'm not sure what that looks like.

[nadia533]

I do have a psychiatrist. He screened me for bipolar but I don't fit the symptoms of having manic episodes. I am afraid that if I tell them why I use and how much I've been using, they'll punish me even more. And I'm just not too comfortable talking to them because I have no trust for them.

[little turtle]

Originally Posted by nadia533

I do have a psychiatrist. He screened me for bipolar but I don't fit the symptoms of having manic episodes. I am afraid that if I tell them why I use and how much I've been using, they'll punish me even more. And I'm just not too comfortable talking to them because I have no trust for them.

oh nadia......you sound like such a nice person suffering with mental health
problems .....it is so good that you are talking here about how hard it is right
now.....you will find support here....

what do you think would help you right now....what would your next step be
to get out of this hell hole...a lot of us know exactly what you are going thru....

[Fuzzybear]

I'm sending hugs and kind thoughts