[Twitch99]

☡Trigger Warning
I'm so tired of fighting. Every single day the desire to kill myself and the thought of doing it is always there. The 2 biggest reasons I am still here is because of my wife and I'm too much of a coward to do anything. Both are equally strong. I don't like the medicine I'm on nor am I thrilled with my Proc. My medicine has caused my anxiety to go from a constant 4 to a constant 6 or 7. I can't go to the store on my own. I have to go with my wife and tell her to stay by my side. She never does though and I am barely able to keep it together. Yet I am told that "I'm just making excuses because I don't like taking meds." Pdoc lectures me every time about how I'm not on a high enough dose, but when I go any higher my anxiety goes through the roof. Which in turn makes my suicidal desires worse. Yet I know better than to tell my Pdoc that.
I just want to end it. Everyday I think about taking a [blank] and [blank] or maybe taking a [blank] and [blank]. But as I said before I am too much of a coward to do that. Whenever I think about the day I woke up from my emergency surgery (unrelated to my mental health issues) it just makes me even more depressed. I knew that it was a "fairly routine" surgery but i still held out hope that i would never wake up. Kinda like buying a lottery ticket. You hope to win the big pay day but chances are very slim you will. You still hold out hope you will though. For me not waking up from that surgery would have been my hitting the jackpot.

I don't know. I can't truly express how sad I am deep inside. I hide it from everyone. Once again I have gotten better about hiding it from my wife. Maybe 1 day something will happen and I won't be here any more.

[zapatoes]

Please call 911 and use your safety plan if you have one in place. Also call your psychologist if necessary.

Hugs to you.

[Twitch99]

Originally Posted by zapatoes

Please call 911

Why would I do that? They don't have a magic button that they can press to make me better. I don't want their "help".

[MickeyCheeky]

You're not a coward AT ALL, @Twitch99! I Believe there's a part of you that wants to Live and to get better. It seems like your Pdoc isn't being very kind to you. Have you already tried to find another one, possibly? I hope you'll stay, although that may be selfish of me. Still, I am REALLY happy you at least have this WONDERFUL Forum where you can share how you TRULY Feel. Let's Hope that you'll be able to share it with the people in your Life at some point as well. Please stay strong and also stay well as much as you possibly can!! Things can and WILL get better, I am sure of that!! Sending many safe, warm hugs to BOTH you, @Twitch99, your Family, your Friends, your Wife and ALL of your Loved Ones! Keep fighting and keep rocking NO MATTER WHAT HAPPENS, OK, MY DEAR, SWEET, KIND, AWESOME AND WONDERFUL FRIEND?!

[Fuzzybear]

I will not advise...

please call your pdoc

or call 911

I think you know you better than that, as I think you have already thought of this?
sorry if this isn't helpful.

Selfishly, I hope you stay safe.

[zapatoes]

Originally Posted by Twitch99

☡Trigger Warning
I'm so tired of fighting. Every single day the desire to kill myself and the thought of doing it is always there. The 2 biggest reasons I am still here is because of my wife and I'm too much of a coward to do anything. Both are equally strong. I don't like the medicine I'm on nor am I thrilled with my Proc. My medicine has caused my anxiety to go from a constant 4 to a constant 6 or 7. I can't go to the store on my own. I have to go with my wife and tell her to stay by my side. She never does though and I am barely able to keep it together. Yet I am told that "I'm just making excuses because I don't like taking meds." Pdoc lectures me every time about how I'm not on a high enough dose, but when I go any higher my anxiety goes through the roof. Which in turn makes my suicidal desires worse. Yet I know better than to tell my Pdoc that.
I just want to end it. Everyday I think about taking a [blank] and [blank] or maybe taking a [blank] and [blank]. But as I said before I am too much of a coward to do that. Whenever I think about the day I woke up from my emergency surgery (unrelated to my mental health issues) it just makes me even more depressed. I knew that it was a "fairly routine" surgery but i still held out hope that i would never wake up. Kinda like buying a lottery ticket. You hope to win the big pay day but chances are very slim you will. You still hold out hope you will though. For me not waking up from that surgery would have been my hitting the jackpot.

I don't know. I can't truly express how sad I am deep inside. I hide it from everyone. Once again I have gotten better about hiding it from my wife. Maybe 1 day something will happen and I won't be here any more.

Hope you are feeling much better @Twitch99. I hope you can find a way to express how sad you are inside and maybe that will help. If meds not helping maybe ask for medication adjustments. Also try journaling to get your feelings out. Don’t know if my advice is helpful or not. For me exercise helps my mood sometimes and other times socializing helps.

Good luck!!!

[Fuzzybear]

Originally Posted by Twitch99

Why would I do that? They don't have a magic button that they can press to make me better. I don't want their "help".

''meds'' do not work for all of us either.

Or rather the side effects ...

Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr

[Twitch99]

Originally Posted by Fuzzybear

''meds'' do not work for all of us either.

Or rather the side effects ...

Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr

Then when you try telling people the cure is worse than the disease many people don't understand.

[SMRY]

I understand how you feel....I won't tell you to call 911 or anything else....you are well aware of that. I have chronic conditions that are never going to "get better"....I'm progressively getting worse, and not a thing I can do to stop it. Lately I have felt catching coronavirus would be an easy out, same as your not wanting to wake up from surgery.. Given my age and medical condition, I'm in the "vulnerable" category. But no matter how bad I get, I could never deliberately take my own life, as it would destroy my husband....he doesn't deserve that, and neither does your wife. I don't think you're a "coward" at all for trying to stay alive.

I had TMS treatment a few months ago and overall it did help some....have you looked into this as a possible treatment option?

[Fuzzybear]

Wtf.....

Why are some people so stupid

(not about anyone here)

[Fuzzybear]