[giddykitty]

Quick recap of my history before I post tonight's thoughts.

So, I was started truly digging into my problems end of 2016 with therapy. It was recommended that I do see someone who could prescribe meds though because I had gotten to a point of extreme anxiety and depression and couldn't even productively get through a session. So I saw an NP at first. We tried antidepressant and an anti anxiety med for my symptoms. I was doing better and continued therapy. At some point though, I was suggested to try a medicine for ADHD. I remember having poor concentration, and just the way I spoke to my therapist, she had thought ADHD (I was thinking bipolar2). Anyway, so we tried Intuniv. It made me really uncomfortable. I was desperately needing to shake my legs to calm my restlessness to no avail and I had spent the entire night awake with racing thoughts. I was so very tired and yet I couldn't sleep. I was very concerned. I honestly can't remember the details, but I took myself off of that, but I was still very much concerned there was something more to my moods. And I was gathering all of my possible life experiences for my therapist and my NP. The NP saw me in my "manic" state. I mean, I can even recall saying something about how nice she was and very caring in like a super excitable voice like, "oh, you know, you are really nice and cool and stuff!" She gave me the diagnosis of bipolar and we tried Latuda to help with sleep. I liked that, except I had to take it right before bed because it knocked me right out and mostly the problem was the expense. So we tried something else. But around that time, the NP was beginning to think I wasn't suffering from bipolar, I mean maybe yes, but maybe it was something else, like borderline maybe, so she got me an actual pdoc. Meanwhile, I was going through the process of getting ready for a psych evaluation next door. It took them months to finally get me in. And at that point I was diagnosed with G AD, traits of dependant personality disorder, and "unspecified bipolar currently presenting with a depressed episode". Yes, because at that point, I was dropping. Anyway, basically, unspecified bipolar means it's not bipolar but one experiences clinically recognized elevated moods. So I've been back and forth wondering what exactly this means for me and have been posting in both the depression and bipolar forums now. I had gotten off of my mood stabilizer, which was Abilify after the Latuda, end of last Spring, because I wasn't feeling anything really with it, just conti used depression and my depression was being made worse by the weight I was gaining. So I got off that. Have been doing better ever since. Oh, and I subsequently quit both therapy and psychiatry and my GP took over prescribing my AD and Clonazepam (anti anxiety med) But then this year, I had a couple of times, once a month, where my mood would elevate. So I was trying to see if others had experienced similar things as me. I then started to actually feel what I think normal would feel like...and then there was tonight...



So it seems after about a week of being pretty stable, my mood is beginning to drop again this evening. I'm going to take a closer look at how my moods fluctuate during the day now because tomorrow morning i could be perfectly fine again. I dont know. But I'm starting this journal here now so that other folks can follow along and share tips or relate experiences. Thanks for reading!

[giddykitty]

So, I observed that it took me 3.5hours with no breaks to go through most of my regular online routine this morning. That's crazy! And that doesn't even include FB or a couple of other forums (although they don't update as much). So, to counter this, I decided to try to stay offline for that same amount of time. Well, I think I did pretty good. Not quite 3.5, but 3 hours is still good. My prior record was 2hrs (while awake and not on vacation), so there's improvement. Still haven't managed to get 3 hours of work in yet though. (cooking doesn't count), um, but I've got a few other things I could still do today...if cooking doesn't take up the rest of my time. geez! it just might!...Well, my self imposed lunch break is about over, so I have to stop writing now.

[giddykitty]

Was posting this earlier and got distracted.

So I had a pretty good day too! Got stuff done and then went to visit "my" kitties. (Oh they're so cute and my buddy, "Graybee" was like cuddling with me on my coat while we watched Netflix. Then I came home and cooked and now I just finished eating. Yummy! Also, watching Nancy Drew right now, a favorite show.

[giddykitty]

Well, I overslept and was still tired but probably needed it because I guess I didn't sleep until after 2:30am...that's kinda late. And fingernail picking was keeping me up. Sigh! and I think I had some unpleasant dreams, but I must be repressing them because I only get glimpses and negative feelings. :/ Going to try to make the most of today though!

wanted to see the kitties again today and watch Lucifer. Looks like I'm not going to get time. :/

This might not make a lot of sense because I'm copying and pasting different thoughts throughout the day and distracted as I compile all this. oops!

[giddykitty]

Well, I guess I must just be enjoying life too much right now to be up to posting much. Lol Good right? I'm super excited about this new (newly discovered) show I started looking into the day before yesterday and watching it last night. I was afraid it might scare me, and it still might later on, but im super curious about it. I really enjoy one of the actors in it. And there's still another show i need to finish, but i ended the season I was on, so I figure it's a decent breaking point. All of this I have to watch at my parents place because I don't have Netflix, so I basically get another week to enjoy this until they return and take back their tv. I'm also enjoying the company of their kitties ("my" kitties I say because I adore them like they're my own). They've 2 baby boys, Graybee and Blackie (not real names). One is very shy, Blackie, but he comes around for special treats lol and occasionally let's me pet him till he purrs. And then there is Graybee, the extrovert. Lol He's super affectionate and my pal.

What else? We cooked a special meal tonight which was very tasty, and I finally got my pizza yesterday. Pretty good weekend I'd say. So I'm gonna share my good vibes with all of you now.

Hugs

[giddykitty]

My sleep is all goofy. I go to bed late and can manage to wake up early, but when I sleep at an earlier hour, I oversleep. Or is this just my way of compensating? I wish I could just have a normal schedule, but there are just too many variables that happen in a night that determine the amount of sleep I need...or am I just being stubborn? One person has told me I should get up same time every day no matter what (Well, obviously not if I'm very sick or up all night for something). Is that smart? Or do I just have enough of a disturbance on a regular basis that this is just impossible? I really don't know. Feel free to share your two cents or if you have more questions...

[Rohag]

Hello, GiddyKitty!

Originally Posted by giddykitty

My sleep is all goofy.

Disturbed sleep, regrettably, is also part of my experience.

Originally Posted by giddykitty

One person has told me I should get up same time every day no matter what

I've heard the same, but longtime trial-and-error has brought me to the opposite. I go to bed about the same time each night, but I get up when trying to sleep becomes frustrating. It's not perfect, but that system works for me.

[giddykitty]

Thanks @Rohag I generally do this, except the getting to bed at the same time is the tricky part and even when I do, I often sleep too much. Sigh!

[giddykitty]

I feel like I have so much to update on, but I keep forgetting to do it here and get sucked into other random threads. Not like that's a bad thing, but I feel I should have more organization.

Now that I'm here though, I don't know what to say!

I mean, I'm prompted by things like my picking OCD stuff, and I checked out a FB group and got one suggestion (regular manicures and keeping fingers moisturized), but I'm not sure if that will work or if I...well, I mean it's winter and I'm just so dry. I was also advised that if or when I tell my hubby, to be prepared with literature on the subject. Wish we had a working printer though!

Anyway, something else, Uhhh, the diabetes scare. Well no, I haven't been diagnosed and it doesn't run in my family (although my mom's oldest sis did just get it. Eek! But that's our first case). As I said in another thread, hubby worries because it runs in his family and he knows what a pain it is and he sees my sedentary lifestyle and the fat, particularly around my midsection (not that he's not attracted to me still, but he worries). So, I'm meant to soon get tested for these things, but I've already got an appointment for other testing and it's in the afternoon and so it'd be hard to fast, plus I'm afraid of them taking too much blood at once. Anyway, so now I've gotta make another appointment. Stress!

Um, what else is going on? I'm trying to be better with my internet time. I seem better and yet I'm still on as much time as before probably. I mean, it's strange. Seems I'm checking threads less and if I sleep in late, well I don't have as much time in the morning...and I've pretty much stopped reading my FB timeline and just focusing on a few specific posts...but I suppose some threads I do visit, or posts on Twitter, lead me down that proverbial rabbits hole and I spend more time with that. Like for instance, I follow a 90s nostalgia thread and one post got me thinking about a tv show from back then and then I realized one of my present celebrity obsessions was in that and so I had to go watch that, or at least part of it, and then I had to go share the news among our fangroup... Sigh!

Well, this is enough for now, I think. I also need to get back to peeling garlic and ginger for our homemade ginger/garlic paste for tonight's dinner so...im off for now!

[giddykitty]

Ok, so I'm kinda disturbed at the moment by this particular season of a show I started watching...guess it illuminates some fears for me. I ugh, expressed my fear to someone online and they said the show isn't that bad. But see, this is from the male perspective and now I'm a little scared that I shared my fear. I dunno. Hopefully I'll get over it. I've been Googling all night trying to find ways to overcome fear. I feel a little bit better now...

Oh! but what brought me to this forum was to admit that while watching the show, I was engaging in my picking "ocd" thing again (for those who haven't read it yet, I haven't officially been seen nor diagnosed about this yet since it's really only been concerning since this year/couple of months). Anyway, so I suppose fear, which is kinda anxiety, right (?) is a trigger for my obsessive compulsive tendencies.

On a happier note, got to see my precious kitties again and shy Blackie was hovering around me even more again tonight. I realize that I might only be loved because I give out treats, lol, but this was even before that and after as well! <3 <3 <3 Too bad I can't live with him and possibly help him completely overcome his shyness...I suppose he's better with my folks too, but I know he still even gets jumpy with them. He won't even play with his toy on a string because it scares him! um...well, that wasn't a very happy ending....

How about this- does anyone else know someone who's smile just lights up their day?? They can be people you know or people you don't (like celebrities). I have a few and I just think of those happy smiles and it warms my heart! Happy smiles (and hugs) to all who need them/want them!!

[giddykitty]

I'm trying to fight these symptoms of depression with sunshine, coffee, and forcing myself awake. I dunno why lately I just feel so tired! I guess I'm a little bummed my "vacation" is over. :/
Suppose daylight savings didn't help either. I went to bed earlier, but since we pushed the clocks ahead an hour, it was pretty much pointless. Sigh!

[giddykitty]

Feeling a bit better, but I didn't sleep well last night. Hubs is worried about something and kept me up half the night worrying about him. I hope things go well for him today and we both get some sleep tonight. <3

[giddykitty]

Supposing I should update this since it's been a few. I'm just so tired lately! I suppose it could go hand n hand with being a bit lazy. I set an alarm and got up today and I'm gonna try to stay up this time...and exercise even!! (Just a little walk...oh! But I found a fun new video on arm exercises I want to try!) Funny! I was up and going by bedtime last night. Didn't want to sleep. But when hubby suggested I take a little walk inside the house, I dunno, I just felt like jumping into bed. I guess I wanted to be warm and cozy, but I did shake my leg for awhile to burn off some energy. I woke up again tempted to come online, but I finally went back to sleep. Then I woke up a third time when hubby got up for work. I still had 2 hours before my alarm, so I went back to sleep. (Like I said, I wanted to get up and stay up today). So now, I'm awake for the final time today (hopefully) and I'm ready to start the day!

Maybe I'll just stop at there. I was going to say something about my picking though. It's actually maybe a little better (?) But I did pick at one nail this morning. I'll go file it down so I'm not tempted anymore. I trimmed another possible temptation last night. I only have one more long nail left really, but it hasn't bothered me yet, so I'll keep it till it does.

Seriously, we are not our mental illnesses, but I do think it's important to keep track of these things, especially if you have to talk about them with a professional soon. I've been really bad about keeping a personal journal, so this is my outlet right now. I'm lucky, I guess, in that I haven't been really moody lately. It's just the sleep issues and the obsessive compulsive things (I eat compulsively too sometimes, like with pretzels-gluten free and crackers-Oh wait, those aren't GF tsk, tsk, tsk) but have also been trying to incorporate more healthy fats and veggies in my diet, so I think that helps.

Ok, I'm going to wrap this up (because I'm already boring and self hate, self hate-wait! What?!...guess I'm a little moody) before I drone on too much. Anyway, I appreciate the reads and the hugs. Take care everyone!

[giddykitty]

Ok, so I'm not doing a very good job today of staying offline. If I'm not here, I'm somewhere else. But I did start in a new direction (will touch on that in a sec) and I at least got outside for 10-15 minutes in this gorgeous spring weather. *snuggles

But that brings me back to the whole point of why I'm seeking insight into myself. These good feelings may not be extreme enough, it's too soon to tell. However, it brings me back to the incidents that made me consider hypomania in the first place.
The feelings I experienced in 2016 and the behaviors I made whilst feeling this "on top of the world" feeling are being remembered today. and subsequently, that all started in spring too. It was a pleasant experience of community with this particular group and I was feeling some real camaraderie and closeness with a special few. I call them my "favorite person/s". I thought they were experiencing the same bliss, if you will, that I was experiencing with the relationship. I was blind to any possible clues that that was not the case. I still don't know if it was ignorance on my part or if it could have been the mood induced haze...perhaps it was a bit of both. But I was flyin! ...until I finally got the first true sign of pushback. Then I became defensive, aggressive and irritated as well as confused. I recklessly acted stupidly because of this anxiety and things just spiraled from there...there was some peace for a little while, but ultimately it all ended leaving me in the one of the worst depressive states of my existence.

And that "new direction" I had mentioned earlier...well, I'm making actions to get back into this writing program again. I'm already spread thin, but I'm feeling this creative bug again that I haven't felt in 2 years! I was reasoning that I'd do this to get me away from so much screentime (ironically, I type so much better than physically writing with pen and paper, but I'll try the pen and paper thing too)...but I'm worried that it will just give me an additional place to spend more hours online when I'm trying to cut back!...I dunno. But to me, this is what I would consider my "hypomania"....perhaps it's not true hypomania, but maybe it is! I neglect other things, important things, because I'm lost in these "hobbies"! I guess it just depends how much this happens...so I'm going to be tracking this now, likely here, with what concerns me....

today I'm in a hyper good mood, restless and unable to be there for others because I'm stuck in my world...it truly concerns me.

Thanks for reading!

[Fuzzybear]

What did you do for fun today?

[Fuzzybear]

[giddykitty]

Fun things huh Fuzzy? Well, I got to watch my daytime drama and it was a GOOD one! Its also been sunny and nice today, so i got to sit out in the porchroom soaking in some sun which prompted me to start writing a story again. (Have been struggling with creative endeavors for at least 2 years now) So that's good. It was actually inspired by a nice letter I received today from a sort of friend.

[Fuzzybear]

Originally Posted by giddykitty

Fun things huh Fuzzy? Well, I got to watch my daytime drama and it was a GOOD one! Its also been sunny and nice today, so i got to sit out in the porchroom soaking in some sun which prompted me to start writing a story again. (Have been struggling with creative endeavors for at least 2 years now) So that's good. It was actually inspired by a nice letter I received today from a sort of friend.

I'm glad you had some fun today

A sort of friend huh? lol I'm happy they sent you a nice letter

[Fuzzybear]

It's ok to make mistakes

That is being human....

[giddykitty]

Originally Posted by Fuzzybear

It's ok to make mistakes

That is being human....

ummm, good to know! but did I say something to spark this positive thought? or are you just sharing it with all of us today?




edit: p.s. readers, I posted in the check in thread today instead. <3

[giddykitty]

Well, I just finished dusting and sweeping upstairs. Took me almost an hour because omg it was dusty! It gets neglected because it's so cold up there in winter and we never really use the upstairs. But it's even worse now since the window ACs had been installed. In fact, it almost never was dusty up there before, but now we get dust, dirt and parts of the bird's nests that have subsequently come along. Bleh!

Anyway, but I found a book of short stories I've never really read and my coloring book...and even a sock left by my nephew when they stayed cough cough two? summers ago. (Omg) I was actually hoping it was my long lost gloves, but no such luck. No luck on the colored pencils yet either, but i didnt really look everywhere for them.

Hubby is finally off the phone for now, so I should ...but I'm tired now! Bleh!

Oh, fyi he's starting to work from home now. Not required yet, but since he was the only one in the office yesterday and had an early morning meeting today, he decided to stay home and sleep in.

[giddykitty]

Oh wow! I thought I posted again but I guess I'm getting my irl journal mixed up with this. Ha!

Yes, I wrote a lot in that journal tonight as this device was charging and I didn't want hubby yelling at me for being distracted while cooking again. He was upset that I was cooking so late though, which is why I'm surprised I hadn't posted here again after my last post. What was I doing all that time?? Well I did have to wash dishes so I could cook and I had to prep the meat, then I watched some tv with hubby...ohhh, maybe I was on my other forum. Yep yep! I was. But the fact is, I was just so tired today and I wanted to snuggle with him and watch the last show. He wanted t too. He is going to have to learn that we can't do that in the day if he wants me to maintain my regular schedule. Ughhh this is gonna be rough! But we'll get through it somehow.

Oh, I'm needing to schedule some more appointments with the GP, bloodwork for me and a follow-up for hubby. Was gonna do it today but had to wait for hubby to get off the phone to ask him if that's what he wanted. We wasted time debating whether we should schedule if they might get canceled due to this virus ****. I said I think we should at least try and have them in the books. So we agreed, but by then I had to do other stuff and didn't get to call today. But now I'm worried that my appointment next week, after all this talking about it and prepping for it and having it rescheduled already, that it might be canceled. I would just hate that! This Corona is just utter **** man! I'm already so tired! Sigh!

Well, I'm getting sleepy...

[giddykitty]

Feeling mopey right now. Think it's because of the exciting dream I had about when my life had hope and a promise...ok, I mean I have that in a different way now, but back then I just felt creative and alive. Now my creativity seems to only happen in my dreams. :/

P.s. I'm also kinda disappointed at how I just can't find the desire or even reason for getting up in the morning and doing anything but get right online. Especially on a day like today, I really need that energy boost I get from my online friends and supporters. I've been taking my meds that require an empty stomach, and now I must get up and eat. I woke up an hour earlier than planned for today, so once again, I am tired...but I'm really trying to do all the right things...like I said though, it does get very hard when I can't find the desire or the reason for all of this. :/ But it's there, somewhere, I guess.

[giddykitty]

Ok, trying something a bit different today. Let's see how well this works.
So things are going ok, no major conflicts or anything, but I'm just getting very stressed and overwhelmed. I managed to call GP office and schedule appointments for me and hubby-goodI also got food prepped, washed most dishes, cleaned countertops and even began the deep clean process of the oven/stove (half done. hope this won't be a prob for hubby).I'll have to sweep and mop again because of this mess, but it's not too bad. It can wait another day or few.
As far as social contact, I'm still excited about all the friends I have and have been making as of late, but I don't think I can keep up today. Gonna have to step back from a few things. I wanted to go on an old forum and give out my Twitter address to a few folks there...but it can probably wait.
Found a new interest thread "what song is stuck in your head". that's always fun, but I am also trying to pay less attention to other threads for now, just to balance it. Maybe switch it up every other day or somthing.
Oh!!! Writing Camp!!! So I got word from one person last night that she'd be interested in a group with me. I haven't heard anything more today. It's still early. Folks don't usually decide groups until the last week of the month. Still uncertain now how or what I'm going to do as my writing project. "Blogging" (or journaling) is my main focus atm.
The month of April is going to be chaotic as it is because hubby and I have plans. Not sure just how much it will affect day to day, but I do have to shift focus on certain things (like meals.)
Speaking of meals, I was so hungry this morning that I forgot to take my meds on an empty stomach. Well, I took the probiotic, but forgot my thyroid meds until right before my first bite. I think it's fine once in awhile though. Still, it shows you how distracted I am!

I managed to brush my teeth right after breakfast/coffee today though. Just prioritized myself (well, not that I enjoy brushing, but i do feel better afterwards) this time, and THEN got to food prep and cleaning...and that appointments call. I am neglecting something else right now, but i'm sorry, I just needed to sit down and take this break atm. Thing is, it's a good thing that brings me peace though...
speaking of peace, I also need to workout. I feel like running, jumping, dancing- all of it right now! Unfortunately, I'd feel too guilty taking time away from my chores. I keep saying "i'll work out at night", but that's not always happening anymore.
It's tv night...sometimes I can actually work out during these shows. I can do my yoga stuff...maybe if I walk beFORE the shows, I can finish with yoga...that would mean working out by like 7 or 7:30...um, but when will I have dinner?? I'm planning to eat lunch here soon. it's almost 4...Not sure if I can wait until 8 to eat...especially since I'm not even sure how much food there IS for lunch. I need to allow time to cook too, so maybe 4:30-5:30 or 6 I can do that...then take some more downtime before working out.
Sounds like a plan! Now as long as there are no more unforeseen interruptions...
Also, fyi, my kinda goal bedtime is between 12:15am and 1am. So for an internet cutoff, I'm thinking 11/11:30?? It helps me relax before bed!! I dunno.
Ok, I think I did kinda ok on my "trying something different"...although it looks different on this screen, so I've probably failed once again. haha Not gonna tell you the plan just yet because I don't want any of us overthinking this right now.
Peace!

[giddykitty]

Had quite a busy day and I'm tired now, so I'll keep this short. Today is day 2 of 3 with cleaning the oven/stove. It's the first time I've ever cleaned an over and I'm proud of myself for finally learning and actually doing it. It's taken a little bit longer because there are some deep set in stains that need overnight soaking and I could only do one side of the stovetop plates at a time because I needed the stove for cleaning. So now the whole oven is sprayed and soaking and one side of the stovetop is all ready to go. Oh yes, and I also put foil over the plates, you know to avoid excess filth getting on them. Guess it helps, but those plates can still get pretty dirty! I had been doing pretty good with keeping those cleaned and the foil changed out regularly, but there were some deep set in stains that have now only come out with the oven cleaner. Call me a dork or whatever, but I'm excited to have clean things!