[Gomezaddams51]

I posted in the new member forum and was suggested to come here. My problem is I basically feel like most of my life is a failure. I look back on my life and it is one bad decision, one bad choice, one bad action after another. I feel like I am on the outside of life looking in. I have never fit in, I have tried to fit in but mostly barely function in society. I am not sure how much I can write here. If I put down everything it would be a novel and I hate to take up others time with my problems.

[Train of Thought]

Hey Gomezaddams51,

I am sorry you feel like that.
Hopefully this site here will help you aswell.
Maybe it already helps you when you read that you're not alone?
You aren't the only one that makes a wrong decision or fails at something. Had my fair share of those,too. And i also have to... work on/with the consequences. so don't be afraid of sharing everything you want to get off your chest.
You already made a big step in joining and posting here. So congrats for that 🥳
Wish you the best

[Gomezaddams51]

Thanks for the reply and your support. I suppose I should give more info so I will add a little at a time... IF I wrote the whole sad story it would be a novel and I think I said somewhere.

It basically started from birth when I was adopted and put in an orphanage and spent most of the first year of my life in an orphanage. An orphanage in the very early 1950’s was not a nice place. My adopted mother used to brag that as a baby I never laughed or smiled or cried, and I could stare down adults. She could take me places and sit me in a corner and I would stay there till she came for me. As she put it, “I wasn’t like all those other little heathens running around and making noise. I was an only child so I grew up with an over controlling over protective mother who ran everything and ordered my dad and me around all the time. She wouldn’t let me do anything that might hurt me like sports, etc.

I grew up not making any decisions for myself or being allowed to think for myself. She picked my clothes, fussed at me about the few kids that I hung out with. By ‘hung out’ I mean I just hung around the edges uninvited and occasionally they would let me in their group.

I went on two dates my entire High School years. One was a Sadie Hawkins dance so the girl asked me. My Senior Year I finally got up guts enough to ask a girl to the prom. It was a miserable mistake. I feel sorry for her. I was basically scared to death of girls and my mother didn’t help, she basically told me that girls were evil and only wanted sex from me.


One of my biggest problems is I do not feel emotions. I am basically numb inside. One shrink I went to thought I had RAD (Reactive Attachment Disorder) another thought I had Aspergers. (I do have a grandson with Aspergers and someone told me it can be passed down.) So if and when I do find a girl and start going out with her, the first few weeks or a month or so I can fool her but sooner or later she sees through my act. I had one former woman tell me that she thought her ex husband was the coldest, unemotional bastard she had ever seen until she met me. I made him look caring and feeling. Not something to boost an ego. I learned to fake emotions by watching TV, movies, reading books, and watching people.

Welcome to the forum. Sorry you are feeling so lousy. I was a quiet child too. My mom said she had to remind herself to pay attention to me because i didn't clamor for attention like her other kids did. I feel a lot of regret about the past too. Maybe unemotional is just how you are? It takes all types to make the world go 'round.

[Gomezaddams51]

Thanks for the reply. I am quite introverted.

[inspirationc]

Originally Posted by Gomezaddams51

I posted in the new member forum and was suggested to come here. My problem is I basically feel like most of my life is a failure. I look back on my life and it is one bad decision, one bad choice, one bad action after another. I feel like I am on the outside of life looking in. I have never fit in, I have tried to fit in but mostly barely function in society. I am not sure how much I can write here. If I put down everything it would be a novel and I hate to take up others time with my problems.

Hi and sorry you feeling so less of value. You are a blessing, unique for yourself with great traits and qualities. Feel better real soon.

[Train of Thought]

Originally Posted by Gomezaddams51

I posted in the new member forum and was suggested to come here. My problem is I basically feel like most of my life is a failure. I look back on my life and it is one bad decision, one bad choice, one bad action after another. I feel like I am on the outside of life looking in. I have never fit in, I have tried to fit in but mostly barely function in society. I am not sure how much I can write here. If I put down everything it would be a novel and I hate to take up others time with my problems.

Originally Posted by Gomezaddams51

Thanks for the reply and your support. I suppose I should give more info so I will add a little at a time... IF I wrote the whole sad story it would be a novel and I think I said somewhere.

It basically started from birth when I was adopted and put in an orphanage and spent most of the first year of my life in an orphanage. An orphanage in the very early 1950’s was not a nice place. My adopted mother used to brag that as a baby I never laughed or smiled or cried, and I could stare down adults. She could take me places and sit me in a corner and I would stay there till she came for me. As she put it, “I wasn’t like all those other little heathens running around and making noise. I was an only child so I grew up with an over controlling over protective mother who ran everything and ordered my dad and me around all the time. She wouldn’t let me do anything that might hurt me like sports, etc.

I grew up not making any decisions for myself or being allowed to think for myself. She picked my clothes, fussed at me about the few kids that I hung out with. By ‘hung out’ I mean I just hung around the edges uninvited and occasionally they would let me in their group.

I went on two dates my entire High School years. One was a Sadie Hawkins dance so the girl asked me. My Senior Year I finally got up guts enough to ask a girl to the prom. It was a miserable mistake. I feel sorry for her. I was basically scared to death of girls and my mother didn’t help, she basically told me that girls were evil and only wanted sex from me.


One of my biggest problems is I do not feel emotions. I am basically numb inside. One shrink I went to thought I had RAD (Reactive Attachment Disorder) another thought I had Aspergers. (I do have a grandson with Aspergers and someone told me it can be passed down.) So if and when I do find a girl and start going out with her, the first few weeks or a month or so I can fool her but sooner or later she sees through my act. I had one former woman tell me that she thought her ex husband was the coldest, unemotional bastard she had ever seen until she met me. I made him look caring and feeling. Not something to boost an ego. I learned to fake emotions by watching TV, movies, reading books, and watching people.

Thanks for sharing.
Really sounds like you've been through a lot.
Hope you can get something out of this forum.
There are really good articles and threads here.

[Gomezaddams51]

Oh that was just barely scratching the top... I hate to sound like I am whining because I am not, I am just trying to prove that when I say my life sucks....IT SUCKS...

Let's see...Women.
I mentioned I only went on two dates in High School. My parents were Mormons and after I graduated my mother decided I was going on a mission if she had to drag me there. The only good thing that came out of it was I learned to talk to girls. I met this girl at church who was really awesome. She was from Idaho and was staying with her sister and brother in law. We hit it off, she embroidered a pair of my Levi's with all sorts of hippie stuff, peace signs, flowers etc. The problem was she was 14 and I was 21. We never did anything but after I went home we wrote to each other almost daily...until my mother found out how old she was and put a stop to it. I should have told my mother to F-off. The girl is one major regret. Later I met a girl at church and she was super sweet and cute and I totally F'd up and lost her. Another major regret.


I met another really awesome girl at a church youth conference, we spent the whole weekend together (nothing sexual) ....and then a couple of months later she tells me she is pregnant by her old boyfriend and she is going to marry him. A few years later she writes and says she got a divorce and wanted to know if we could get back together. My first wife at the time was not amused (she is another horror story I will go into later). After my divorce I met a 19 year old Bi-sexual witch. We had an awesome time, she about killed me trying to keep up with her (I was 42). She ended up running off to New Orleans with her lesbian lover. I bought a house and across the street was a young girl, She was about 14 and when I used to be outside working on my vehicles trying to keep them running, she would come over and tell me in rather graphic detail about all the guys she was screwing, some in their 30's. She also came over and showed me her new underwear she bought (she modeled them). I still remember the day she ran over and told me she was legal 'p***y' when she turned 18. She got a job as a stripper and kept after me to come watch her dance. She was nothing but trouble with a capital 'T' but she is a minor regret that I didn't take advantage of the situation.


And then there is the woman who moved in with me and one day she said she met someone at work and was going to move in with him, but she wanted me to wait just in case it didn't work out (I refer to her as the Psycho ***** from Hell) she basically stole pretty much everything I had. And then there was the girl who relapsed and OD'd next to me in bed, nothing like waking up next to a corpse. And then there was the Tran-sexual who I didn't know was one...and then the woman with multiple personalities (the wild one was awesome, the little girl one and the guy one not so much). There were some more but you get the idea. I finally did find a woman on a dating site and we got married about 10 years ago. She is one of the better, and at least is semi-normal ones. She still has her moments though but I put up with them. I will go into her after I finish with my first wife.


Getting back to the first wife, I met her when she was 15. I had joined the AF and was stationed at Wichita Falls in Tx. She lived in Arlington Tx between Dallas and Fort Worth. A bunch of us Mormon airmen used to go down there because there was a bunch of girls. For some reason she fell madly in love with me. I made the mistake of jokingly telling her to come visit me at my first duty station up in Montana and to my shock her and her older sister came up. I kind of liked her, but I was leery because her whole family was way beyond fat (yes I know I am shallow) but she was thin and cute and I loved her Texas accent. So we wrote back and forth. I met a girl at church that had moved back to her parents (Father was Air Force) while waiting for her divorce to get final. She wasn't supposed to 'fraternize' with us guys until she was officially single (stupid Mormon rule) but all the guys had the hots for her. Somehow she grabbed onto me and we had a pretty intense relationship. I loved her Georgia accent. It went well until I screwed up and had a car accident and almost killed her, and put her in the hospital for a long long time. She broke things off and told me to go back to the girl from Texas (I had told her about the Texas girl). So I restarted the long distance relationship with the girl and since I was tired of all the problems I was having with relationships, I asked her to marry me when she told me she was madly in love with me. Also the fact that she wanted to get away from her family didn't help. So we got married which was the biggest mistake I ever made. We were married for 18 years and had 4 kids, 3 boys and a girl and with each kid she packed on about a 100 pounds or more. Plus she suffered from depression and spent most of her days in bed or on the couch and I would have to come home from work and change the diapers that hadn't been changed, and try and clean the kitchen and then cook. She did little to no housework and one time I got pissed off and just let the dishes go, until I finally had to wash them because there wasn't a clean dish or pan in the house. I did pay for her to go to nursing school but after graduating she did nothing with it. Finally I ended up with major depression and spent some time inpatient. It was then I decided I had to get out and so I moved out and divorced her, it forced her to have to get a nursing job.


Now the second and current wife. As I said I met her online on a dating site. She seemed nice and we had a lot of things in common. She lived way up north in California so I used to drive up to see her and she flew down to see me. She was taking care of her parents who lived next door to her and after they died we found a house here in Nevada and she moved in with me. As I said she is fairly normal but I did find out about her history. She told me she started having sex at 14 and by 18 had somewhere around 50 or so sexual partners and that by the time we got together (she is 5 years younger than me) she lost count at over a 120 or so. The fact that she has had so many sexual encounters doesn't bother me, it just kind of makes me jealous, and wish I had been so lucky. LOL Anyway that pretty much concludes the sad story of my dealings with women.


I can go into the rest of the sick sad story of the other problems I have had and are having later.