[jrae]

i have been ['put'] thru soooo much the past 2 years, even more so the past almost 5 years! in the last eighteen months, i've had more doctor appts than number of total weeks!!! plus ten of the last eleven months i've added a new medicine! and all that doesn't include all the 'non-physical' trauma (or h**l) i've been thru.

and i just can't keep doing this anymore! i just don't have the fight left in me. even now, i know i should keep talking on here or reach out to my t, yet everything inside me screams "don't" and there's nothing left to counter that. i'm even crying right now cuz of how difficult it is just to type this!

found out today that i'm being sent to an internal medicine specialist, to find out what's going on (given the physical symptoms i'm having)! i'm literally beyond terrified. this means continued or more doctoring and appts & scans/tests. and ... i ... just ... can't ...
there are days that i barely eat and it doesn't matter -> THAT'S where i'm at
[struggling in ways i never have before... yet so alone after the losses...]

[Skeezyks]

[Breaking Dawn]

I'm so sorry, jrae! God bless you! I'm praying for you & I know I'm not the only one. Did you get a new kitty yet? Hugs & love to you!

[Deilla]

I'm sorry you're having to go through that. I have a lot of doctor appointments too. I know. It can wear you down. I hope things work out well for you. I'm sending good thoughts your way.

[jrae]

Originally Posted by Breaking Dawn

I'm so sorry, jrae! God bless you! I'm praying for you & I know I'm not the only one. Did you get a new kitty yet? Hugs & love to you!

@Breaking Dawn,

i have not yet. i know i need to - part of it is just the grieving and the other part is having TOO much going on already. i just don't have the time or energy for the effort. and i'd like to think he can sense the pain/hurt i'm in, so maybe he understands why he's alone (for now). i told my neighbor today that if i didn't find anything, i would take the 2 kittens he has - since he hasn't had any luck finding them a new home. (even though they may not be exactly what i'd be looking for)

thanks for asking though!

[jrae]

yes, it all is wearing me down -> and so much more.


i'm starting to see that something else is happening. maybe it's just an emotional response to all this. but there are times when i just lose it. i think i've posted a couple of them on here before.

in that moment and on those days, i break down. i'm too overwhelmed and exhausted. i just don't want to do any of it - any more! all the pain, all the medicine, all the physical doc appts, all the non-physical trauma, being buried under it all -> i'm just done, don't care what happens anymore!


it's likely a massive sign of worsening d , but it seems 'those days' are happening more and more! and almost like there's nothing i can do.

like today, i didn't even eat a meal. didn't care. it was all i could do just to get my big glass of milk in me.