this is dumb

but i swear sometimes i trigger myself on purpose. what is the point of that?! it's like i enjoy being depressed. it's a very odd feeling

i think ive done that Kandi... habits and patterns repeat themselves after theyve outlived their purpose... it taken work but i am gradually getting those old outdated patterns replaced...

still have my down days, but getting there! i hope you can too... sending hugs...

I don't think it's any different from having a sore tooth or something and constantly poking it with one's tongue or finger? You know there's a problem there and every now and then you "check" it. Not dumb.

First of all, I don't think anything you have to say is dumb.

I'm just guessing, but perhaps you may do this to feel some sort of emotion..? Even though it's not a positive feeling, it's a feeling. I don't know your situation, but I do know that sometimes certain psych meds can create a feeling of no emotion for some. You aren't happy, you aren't sad, you just sort of exist.

There is often some masochistic pleasure in making oneself miserable. In a person of your age, it may be away to show the world you are not OK with it's rules and conventions. Or not?

There is a GREAT book regarding the pleasure of degrading oneself: Dostoevskij's "Memories from the underground". Why not read it?

Bye

Lots of people do that, I would'nt say that it's "dumb" it's just "dis-functional" find a more positive way to "get paid" emotionally like self improvement or helping others in some way.

I'm addicted to drama. I need the elevated emotions in order to connect with characters or to just feel inspired. Ideally I can achieve this with dramatic music, a heart wrenching film, or something like that. But then sometimes I end up triggering real depressive episodes which, of course, was not my goal.

So the lesson I've learned is that it's ok to want to feel sad by say connecting with a sad song. But because of our problems, we need to be more careful about it.

Cyran0

hey CY, i hadnt summed it up so well, or looked at my reasoning so much..... ive done this in the past to stay connected to my poetry.. i like the warning of being careful you attached....

ive changed my poetry subject quite a bit lately also so 'sadness' isnt so much the main theme anymore too...

Cyrano said:

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So the lesson I've learned is that it's ok to want to feel sad by say connecting with a sad song. But because of our problems, we need to be more careful about it.

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That's not really all that uncommon.

I can't trigger my own depressions, and they make me miserable. However, I do feel "safer" on some level when I am depressed. It's like I'm shielded from the world, and nothing can touch me. If I could trigger it, I imagine I would once or twice. (Although I'd like to think that I wouldn't, I'm just being realistic)

wow im glad to know this isnt some stupid thing im doing because im stupid. thank you everybody, a lot of what everyone said made a lot of sense

I find myself doing things like that. It seems that I have gotten so used to being depressed that feeling anything else sounds foreign. At times I use depression as a "shield" from the world that I use to disassociate myself from the world.