He must think I'm really dumb

Me and my guy have been together for 3 years and as of today be engaged for 1 month. He is a great guy and totally worships me but is a total "closet" porn freak. He thinks I have no idea what he does at night online but I do, and all I have to do is check the history report on the computer. I sometimes feel bad about checking up on him but it's not like it is some hidden section with a password or something it's right there on the desktop. We were talking the other night about different types of addictions and somewhere in the conversation going to porn websites came up and he said that he has no need at all to do that. HE LIED RIGHT TO MY FACE!! If I did'nt know the real truth I would have belived him cause he said it very convincingly. Now how do I know what to belive and what not to belive? I completly understand why guys go to these places and I understand that there is no emotion behind it and just because he does it does'nt mean that he loves me any less, but what hurts me the most is that he is very well aware about how I feel about these sites and about the men who visit them. Yet he still goes and I don't think he feels guilty one bit if I was doing something behind his back that I knew would hurt him if he knew I would'nt do it. I have told him before that if he ever went to these sites and I found out I would feel like less of a person and be so hurt and not to mention discusted, yet he still continues to go! Sometimes if I come home after he has been home for a while and he starts trying to put me in the mood I cop this attitude and can hardly even let him touch me then he gets mad cause he thinks I am just being mean but it is really cause I am so hurt by what he is doing

Jenna, the fact that you go into hisory in your computer to checkup on what he's doing disturbs me...there is definitely a lack of trust there...you should be able to say "this thing that you do makes me uncomfortable and this is why..." and you discuss it together. If he loves you he's going to say "Ok this behavior bothers you and this is how we can compromise (ya know maybe one trip to XXX land/week instead of 7 or whatever.) You SHOULDN'T be invading his privacy (and yes checking history to see where's he going is invading his privacy) Maybe he keeps it quiet because he knows it upsets you and so he's trying not to shove it in your face (he could see this as already compromising on his part. If he's not willing to compromise and neither are you then you shouldn't be getting married. Sorry not trying to be harsh but my husband reads my e-mails, checks history, cruises my favorites...all because he is "curious" what I'm doing and then he gets upset if he sees something he doesn't like...even in marriage you still have to retain your SELF and some things are not secrets they are just private and maybe if you have a really good relationship you are completely comfortable sharing all of the things you hold private with your partner. God I would love a relationship like that. If I got married again I wouldn't settle for any less.

Just my own opinion...take what you want. I don't mean to sound harsh, but he has a problem. It is an addiction. He knows you don't like it so he hides from you and LIES to you about it. You are checking up on him and then writing to us without talking to him because you seem to have some hesitancy about talking with him about it. You know very well what this is doing to you and how it is hurting you, yet you don't tell him. You need to look at your own needs here.

In short, you both are hiding things from each other. You are missing a very very important part of a healthy relationship: Trust. This is no way to begin a longterm relationship/marriage. You are setting yourself up for failure unless your modes of communication change.

If you don't like him looking at porn, you shouldn't compromise your ideals. It will bother and haunt you in the end. Things will never feel quite right. Certainly there are compromises in a marriage, but this one is a fundamental issue that should be understood and agreed upon at the beginning -- not based on lies. Otherwise, you are with the wrong person.

<font color=purple>In nature, there are neither rewards nor punishments. There are consequences.
- R.G. Ingersoll