Dark Days

I've been really depressed these past few days. My emotions are all over the place. I am down then up then down again. My thoughts are very negative. I shared some of them with my med provider yesterday. I was afraid she would make me go in-patient. I could hear how nervous she was on the phone. We decided to increase my AD. She said if that didn't work, we can try Latuda.

I keep forgetting to use REST. I'm too sad to use DBT. I just feel my pain and push myself to do chores. That's all I ever do anymore. I struggle with housework. I have no purpose in life. I guess maybe giving a home to two rescue kitties is a purpose.

hey deilla! been here, it sucks, dunno why i revisit this place so often! sounds like weariness, yknow. weary after all the years. sometimes knowing what to do isn’t enough. freshening, spontaneity, invigoration needs to take place too! that could be as simple as driving somewhere new to take in a view and have coffee or anything out of routine. .02

I am sorry that you feel that way.
Believe me, most people don't know what are their purpose in this life. You don't have to worry or care about that.
Anyway, I enjoy your other posts (in The Coffehouse section). They do interesting.
Cheers.

Deiila, Sorry to hear about your struggles! Yes, giving home to rescue kittens is a purpose! Their lives depend on you! For them you mean safety. They don't care about your thoughts or if you are up or down. To have you means everything for them.

Please don't give in now. They will find a medication that will work for you, but perhaps not at the first try. Continue to stay in contact your provider. Please let not thoughts about eventually becoming an in-patient disturb you. They will find a solution for you, this or that way. Life will become better after this!

Thinking on you!

Thank you for all the support! I appreciate it. Today I am feeling more upbeat. I felt good early in the morning then I had some more bad thoughts later. I was able to use REST and went to sleep. Now I am calm and relaxed. I've been listening to birdsong, which cheers me up.

I'm glad you're feeling a little better

I am glad you reached out. Are you immediately able to increase your AD or are you having to wait on a prescription?

I notice you are on PC a lot. For me, if I am on PC all of the time, it can feel a bit compulsive which is a feeling I know I need to pay attention to and tell my doctor. PC is such a good thing until I begin using it mindlessly. Don't know if this applies to you but wanted to throw it out there. With the pandemic and winter, this is one of the main things some of us have to do but sometimes it just isn't enough but hope you keep on feeling better!!!.

So Sorry that you're struggling so badly! It is REALLY good that you're reaching out to your own doctors to get some Support! Please do keep practicing self-care as you're already wonderfully doing and definitely keep in touch with your doctors and do not forget that we are here for you as Well! Sending many safe, warm hugs to BOTH you, @Deilla, your Family, your Friends and ALL of your Loved Ones! Keep fighting and keep rocking NO MATTER WHAT HAPPENS, OK?!

Thank you! I am waiting on the increased med to arrive. It should be here tomorrow or Tuesday. I do use the forums a lot. I feel like it helps me. It's self-soothing to answer questions in the Coffee House. I also like to do journaling prompts. If I journal stream of consciousness, I get more upset. So I prefer to respond to prompts.

My med increase arrived today. I've already taken it. At the moment, I feel good. But earlier today I was very depressed. I'm starting to think lack of sleep is part of my problem. The more rest I get, the better I feel. Nothing has changed since this morning except that I took a nap. I still have my same problems and same worries. Yesterday I was very upset cause someone reached out to me about working for them. That's a good thing but emotionally I can't handle work right now. I was so stressed out about this. I finally told them I wasn't available and that I would contact them when things changed. I felt better after I did that. My panic went away.

That's great, Deilla. Does it take long for the meds to work?

The last time I increased my Effexor, it took a few days before I felt better. So not too long. But about 2 weeks before I really know for sure.

I just woke up a little while ago. I slept about 5 hours. I feel pretty optimistic. I'll get more sleep later on.

Today is day 3 on the increased Effexor. I feel better. Not sure if it's the meds or my attitude. I've been working closely with my online therapist. She's been talking to me every day since last week. She's a nice person and she passes no judgment. I've been going through some stuff and I was able to discuss it with her. That helped me resolve most of the issues.

That's good news

I felt down yesterday and this morning. I noticed that it's not as low as I usually feel. So that is a significant improvement. I'm a little sad now, but I think it is mainly loneliness.

Sorry about the loneliness

Are you still talking to your online therapist most days?

Yes, she responds every day. During the week she replies a few times a day. It's really helpful. And we both are gamers. We've been talking about my favorite game. She has plans to try it out. I think she's a really cool person. She's the best therapist I've ever had.

That's brilliant. A few times a day, during the week

That's great to hear

I'm having a hard time today. Yesterday was very stressful for me. A project I was working on didn't go well. I took it personally. I felt like the Universe was conspiring against me, so I got really depressed. I have an appointment today, but I'm so depressed I don't want to go. I feel bad. But I think I will cancel. I hate to do that. I need this appointment. When I'm depressed, my agoraphobia really kicks in. I have an appointment scheduled for Friday that I will probably cancel. I wish I felt better. I'm having a hard time sleeping. I wish I had a good way to relax. I could try meditation. But I'm thinking I may take a nice hot shower.

Hope you can be a little easier on yourself, soon

Work projects will sometimes go well, and sometimes not. No-one expects you to be perfect. If a friend had the same experience, I'm sure you wouldn't think any less of them because of it

I'm having a dark day today. I'm very tired even though I got about 10 hours of sleep. I'm tired most days. And what makes me feel worse than anything is that I'm having a hard time losing weight. This past week, I've gained weight. It breaks my spirit. I'm back to thinking that I'm better off not being here. I know my doctor mentioned Latuda. But she said most insurances don't pay for it. I think my doctor just needs to try a different med. I feel frustrated. I can't drive to a city an hour away to pick up samples every month. I don't like driving in big cities. I don't know what I will do. Maybe I should switch providers.

Big hugs, Deilla

Gentle hugs to you, Dellia

Are things looking any brighter today?