I hate myself

I really do hate myself. I hate myself for falling back into bad habits so readily, so easily.

I am drinking too often, too much. And after nearly two years of sobriety this is quickly becoming an issue again. I’m doing my best to stay in control but I think I might be losing. At the same time, I’m not in a place where I’m ready to say no, I need to stop. I can bring myself back, maybe.

But then along with that I am so mad at myself for this, i thought I was finally over with this. And now, I’m adding to the scars. And it’s pretty bad. And I don’t know how to stop.

Honestly, I just feel a complete mess, and so alone with it all. And 100% hating myself for it all

I hate myself too. You are not alone! When life gets hard, I want to hide. Is hiding behind your drinking and other things helping? I had to come to that point of realization many times. This last time, I discovered the trauma of being shamed for innocent acts as a child left pain that I wasn't fully aware, that came out as depression, anxiety, self harm, and risky behavior. And if you don't know what's behind your behavior, it's no big deal. It took me years to figure it out.

I hope this helps some. Just know you are not alone!

I can also relate to the trauma of being shamed and bullied for innocent acts as a child and I wonder if this is partly behind your pain and sh (if so, I can relate )