I wish

I wish people understood that i know how weird and off-putting I can be and that I so desperately don't want to be the way that I am, I'm feeling so lonely right now.

i believe you are underestimating yourself for everyone has some positive qualities and i am So Sorry that you're thinking this about yourself. Please be kind to yourself. You deserve much better. Sending many Safe, warm hugs to BOTH you, @annoyedgrunt84, your Family, your Friends and ALL of your Loved Ones! Keep fighting and keep rocking NO MATTER WHAT HAPPENS, OK?!

I’m sure it’s only the way you see yourself and I understand you because I also feel inadequate.
It’s not easy to find people who understand how you feel unless they share with you similar problems in self-esteen.
This is why mental health forums are for in the end.

You would like to be understood by normal people but it’s not easy that people put on our shoes.

What are you finding more difficult? I tell you that you are a valuable person but I know you can’t see it. Do you feel isolated? non understood?

Is the current sense of loneliness different from or more intense than what you've experienced before?

Yeah, I think so, I just feel like such a freak so often. Like everyone else gets “it” whatever “it” is and I’m way off the mark. I want to make some big changes in my life but I’m also afraid of change at the same time. It’s paralyzing. I get tired of these intrusive thoughts about all the time too, like why won’t my mind leave me alone for just one afternoon and let me enjoy myself and feel confident.

Have you tried psychological therapy?
I tell you because it may make a difference in the sense that you don’t see yourself so bad and be so hard on yourself.
I see you are taking Citalopram and it can help with depression but in the end, it will be only a support to rise your mood so you could work on therapy in a more effective way.
How long have you being taking 20mg? Do you think your psychiatrist should consider a higher dosage?

Yeah I am doing an online counseling thing now, it’s better than nothing. One change I want to make is so I can have access to better therapy.

It’s good to have a motivation to make changes and I’m sure therapy will help you. I’m not the same now that I was when I began therapy many years ago. You don’t see the changes from one day to another but then with time, you notice how much you grew im solving whatever your problems have to face.

The sad thing is that depression is a killer to any motivation or change, see it like a light on that is telling you to stop for a little, kind of giving a step back before taking impulse forward. I mean, try to see depression moments as an alley. I know it’s not easy.