................

I have been for a while. I don't even have the energy to write this. None of my friends know bc they aren't the type of friends who...I mean, I could tell them I don't know why I haven't. They would probably care, at least.

I'm not working. Haven't, in 8 years. I'm looking for a job. I was looking for an apt, and a place called me bc an apt opened up, but it only made me realize I do not have the energy to move again.

I was taking a class, but I dropped it. Its too much right now with my job search.

I have been wondering WHY I'm depressed. Again. This has been ongoing throughout my life. Meds helped for a little while. I have allergies and they've been pretty bad lately. The heat gets to me, I'm ready for fall. Anyway, meds are not a perfect fix. I'm pretty sure this is biological as much as it is situational.

I have been going to the same place for therapy and meds for years. I'm not sure my therapist understands what I've been going through. I'm not sure she even really knows. Tho we talked about it here and there...she isn't warm and fuzzy. I'm going to have to tell her what I need. I'm toying with the idea of looking for someplace else.

I'm concerned. I'm looking into things like energy healing and God. I only get like this when I just don't know what else to do.

I used to love DBT. I still do, I just am so lost. I'm floundering and I forget to and how to use my skills.

I need to feel grounded. I don't.

I have been thinking, just words, would anyone really care if I was gone.

Throughout my whole life I've been hurt by people. So much. I need closeness so much. And its also not here. I don't have it. I haven't had it in so long.

My mother...I can't go to her for comfort anymore. She is not comforting or nurturing. Yet I go to her anyway, then get annoyed and angry and feel worse.

This isn't the way life is supposed to be.

I need help.

[bluekoi]

Sorry to hear you are struggling. Would it help to change therapists? Have you had your medications reviewed lately? It's been a bad year here too for allergy sufferers. I think May has been one of the worst months that I can remember.

Funny, I also cannot tolerate the heat. Many years ago I got heat stroke and a heat rash. It has permanently lowered my resistance to hot, humid conditions. I find it harder to breathe if the summers are too warm.

Good luck in your job search! Do you have an agency helping you find a job that suits you?

Hi bluekoi, thanks. And thanks for responding. Changing therapists is something I've thought of. Its something that will likely happen in the future. My T is not terrible. She's actually a wonderful person. I think I was just.....feeling like no one cares that I'd been feeling so down, but I think it may possibly be more like no one really knows. Weirdly, its something that does seem to pass, even if it stays for days, like this time, it does go away too. I don't talk about my depressed moods w my T much, I think bc being social, even with my T, I feel better. Its good to know about myself. But I left her a VM saying I needed to talk to her about my depression / the way I'm feeling.

My meds are ok I think. Though its not a perfect fix. I've had many difficult med changes in my life. I'm not open to another one at this time.

This weekend I reached out to my friends, and told them how I've been feeling. They were very kind and receptive. So I think my thoughts about them...were unfounded, I blame depressive thinking lol.

Thanks for the well wishes and luck re my job search.

Today was a better day.

[bluekoi]

Now that you have reached out to your friends, you know this is not true "feeling like no one cares that I'd been feeling so down". Like most of us maybe you hide your depression well?

Is your therapist someone you can talk to when you feel depressed. Maybe she has some suggestions to turn the "depressive thinking" into constructive thinking?