Really Depressed

Hi everyone,

I feel really depressed. I don't know why. I am not a crier but I feel like crying a lot lately. I am not sleeping. I feel depressed. Sometimes it hurts so much I can scarcely breathe. I am trying to hard. Meds. Therapy. Etc. But it just doesn't seem to be enough. Not sure what else to do.

HUGS Kit

(((((((((Kit))))))))))

Tell whoever is treating you just that: that you don't know what else to do.

Surely, they can offer you more support.

If you're like me, you're probably high-functioning and even downplay symptoms (or express them so coherently well that they assume you're not that bad) and people don't realize the degree which you are suffering and how dangerous that can be.

You need to be a squeaky wheel right now.... do you have anyone who can help you navigate the system and advocate for you?

Thanks. Yeah, I'm pretty high-functioning. I work full time. I have an MBA. I go to Church. I drive. I take care of my bills. Etc.

But lately I feel like I am falling apart even though I am still doing this stuff. It hurts so much to even breathe. Feels like I am losing my mind. My T assured me that I am not. But it feels that way when everything is spiraling.

I don't have anyone to advocate for me. I am usually a pretty good self advocate. I need to suck it up and ask new T if I can have 2 sessions a week. Maybe that will help. When I see Pdoc next month I am going to see if he can raise the depression meds or something. And then there is the out of control anxiety. Sigh.

((((((Kit)))))

Anxiety can be worse than depression, at times.

Don't wait to see pdoc, ask for at least a phone appointment this week.

Seeing therapist twice a week is a good idea.

Are you taking antipsychotic medication?

Are you exercising? Matthew Mcconaughey says he needs to break a sweat once a day. It becomes important as one gets older.

Yes, I take Latuda and Olanzapine. I also take two anti-depressants. I think the pdoc might need to increase the anti-depressant. I'm not sure though. He is the expert. I saw my GP Wednesday. She helped bolster me until I can see my pdoc. I might see if I can get an appointment sooner in April. He is all booked for March. He only works three days a week. I texted my T yesterday.

Also, thanks for the hugs!

Yah, not that much. I do have Zoey and she needs walks. Maybe I can take her on a long walk this weekend by the riverbed.

(((((((Kit)))))))

It's good that you're being proactive in getting help. This is not easy given your state, so pat yourself on the back.

If you don't have one already, maybe your therapist can help you put together a crisis plan so you feel safer??

Don't hesitate to go to emergency if things get worse.

Keep posting here...

I wish I had a magic wand and could make it all better.

Hugs

We both need to do more exercise, thatz why im nagging you!

I have found group therapy sessions to be helpful especially if they're held weekly. You should try look some up near your area

Sometimes trying to go for a walk helps, it is hard when depressed, I know... Talk to your PDOC and or PDOC about it....Be good to yourself...
I use an app called Insight timer... It has hundreds of guided meditations for just about anything you can think of... I try the guided meditations when I know doing solo meditation won’t help...
Binaural beats just for about anything you can think of (YouTube search)
Keep sharing here...

Most important: Be good to yourself....

I'm a pessimist. Or at least I used to be. I read this quote, and the first time I read it, it meant nothing. Then I reread it today, and it was as if I dumped a ton of garbage off my shoulders. I'm posting it in case it helps someone else. I think realism is the best - not optimism or pessimism. And I know that the feeling I have now won't last, but I think my life will be a lot happier for a long time. Here's the quote:

"It is more prudent to be a pessimist. It is an insurance against disappointment, and no one can say “I told you so,” which is how the prudent condemn the optimist. The essence of optimism is that it takes no account of the present, but it is a source of inspiration, of vitality and hope where others have resigned; it enables a man to hold his head high, to claim the future for himself and not to abandon it to his enemy. Of course there is a foolish, shifty kind of optimism which is rightly condemned. But the optimism which is will for the future should never be despised, even if it is proved wrong a hundred times. It is the health and vitality which a sick man should never impugn. Some men regard it as frivolous, and some Christians think it is irreligious to hope and prepare oneself for better things to come in this life. They believe in chaos, disorder and catastrophe. That, they think, is the meaning of the present events and in sheer resignation or pious escapism they surrender all responsibility for the preservation of life and for the generations yet unborn. Tomorrow may be the day of judgement. If it is, we shall gladly give up working for a better future, but not before."

~ Bonhoeffer, Dietrich. 1939/1953. Letters and Papers from Prison, originally published as Prisoner for God. Edited by Eberhard Bethge; translated by Reginald H. Fuller. New York, Macmillian, pp. 32-33.

Thanks everyone. I was terribly depressed on Saturday and spent most of the afternoon in bed. I didn't feel well physically yesterday and didn't leave the house (but did manage a shower). Today I had to come to work so here I am. Depression sucks. I am wondering if my pdoc can up my duloxetine or something but I don't see him until 19 April. I know I am at the highest dose of Trintellix.

Oh goodness. This depression is so bad. I don't know how I am even surviving. I feel like I am dragging myself along the sidewalk with my fingernails each day just trying to inch forward. I cannot see the light at the end of the tunnel because the tunnel is under the water and apparently it never ends. I've texted my therapist every day this week. I SH-ed. I tried a bunch of coping stuff. I reached out to people. I'm taking all of my medicine. I don't know how much longer I can keep up this fight.

I hear you and I see you and your pain is real, Kit.

I've been in the tunnel when there seems no end.

(((((((((((((Kit))))))))))))

Is there any possibility of visiting emerg on the weekend to have your meds adjusted, or could the therapist call your pdoc for you to adjust your meds?

Hang on!!!

I'm so sorry, Kit. Sending special wishes & visualizing you receiving healing energy filled with love.

There is a walk in crisis unit that I am considering going to. I have never been before but it is less expensive and less constrictive than the hospital. They let you stay for 23 hours and it is an unlocked unit. You get to see a pdoc though and a counselor I think. I might go there.

Thanks for the hugs

Thank you my friend.

You are really up against it. Being where you are at is horrid. You're doing everything you know to do, in terms of accessing treatment. Despite all that effort, you feel so bad. I'm really sorry. You sound like a highly responsible person.

We get told that depression is an illness that medical professionals can "treat." I'm not so sure about that. The "medical model" has been useful. But, really, that's a metaphor, rather than a hard reality. It suggests a certain approach that sometimes proves successful . . . but not always.

By all means, get all the medical help available. There may be some non-medical things that you also need to do. Psych professionals may not have the slightest idea of just what those things are. You may have to figure that out on your own. That's what I found to be true.