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Grand Member
Member Since Jul 2018
Location: a place far away
Posts: 862
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#81
I'm sad, but don't really know why. Its all encompassing. I was writing some poetry and that set it off. All the memories and regrets came rushing back to me. I'm afraid of losing people even if there's no reason to worry.
I'm thinking the answer, for me, is to help others, somehow. I need to feel needed. __________________ Once you are real, you can't become unreal again. It lasts for always.... |
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3rd rock, nonightowl
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Veteran Member
Member Since May 2019
Location: Canada
Posts: 549
5 5,965 hugs
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#82
I've hit a bit of a roadblock with this chapter. I started it three days ago and I set a self-imposed deadline of today. But it's likely to take another two days. I've set a revised goal of 50,000 words before I enter residential treatment, which should happen over the next 2-3 weeks. I'm at nearly 30,000 words, and with little else to do during the days I should be able to reach it.
Until then, I'm very sad every now and then. It comes on randomly and it strikes very hard. I feel so alone. I crave emotional intimacy and real relationships, but I am incapable of achieving them. It has been a very long time since I was in anything that remotely resembled a relationship or had any friends. I am hopelessly inadequate compared to everyone around me; what they seem to manage so effortlessly is impossible for me. Everyone else seems to be able to scale the tallest mountains with ease, while I'm all but completely incapable of walking up a gently-sloped hill. And there's no way this is ever going to change. |
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nonightowl, will19
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Desert Kitty hates titles
Member Since Jul 2008
Location: TARDIS
Posts: 9,659
15 7,087 hugs
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#83
Quote:
It’s the kind of thing that keeps me awake at night sometimes. I feel so vulnerable and the more I try not to think about it, the more I think about it. ——— Sent from my iPhone __________________ Call me "owl" for short! Hmmm....looks like some good tips in here. "Okay, enough photos. I'm a very BUSY Business Kitty, so make an appointment next time." |
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3rd rock, will19
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Grand Magnate
Member Since Oct 2012
Posts: 3,652
11 1,153 hugs
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#84
Yesterday morning I felt depressed when I first got out of bed. But then I felt better when fixing breakfast. But while I was fixing breakfast I picked up something from the floor to throw away and then my lower back hurt. That sunk my mood way down. The back pain remained for the rest of the day and night.
This morning the pain is still there but not as bad. I'm still having it late this afternoon but I think it could get better by tomorrow. I cleaned, this morning, despite having the back pain. I felt depressed in the afternoon. Someone, this afternoon I spoke to, reminded me that I don't do much with my life - like trying new things. It made me feel bad talking about it. I don't know why people have to be insensitive. When having depression, I don't feel like trying new things. Besides, I have tried new things and it all didn't work out. |
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3rd rock
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Desert Kitty hates titles
Member Since Jul 2008
Location: TARDIS
Posts: 9,659
15 7,087 hugs
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#85
Quote:
And I’ve had people tell me what I should do or judge me without knowing me at all and the kinds of experiences I’ve had. Many years ago when I was volunteering at the library, another volunteer who was much older actually said to me “You are a young woman. Why are you doing all this volunteering? You should be working.” Note the word “should” which has negative connotations. I was literally too shocked and speechless to respond. I mean that someone would say that to someone else, if they know them or not. I was doing it to feel productive and a part of something since I couldn’t find work. But that’s not her business. I’m such a different person now that if that happens now, I wouldn’t mince words believe me. Been through some real bs , to h e l l and back and still find hellish situations. Anyway I’d ask how is this your business. Efffing people. And like you I’ve tried things and they didn’t pan out the way I hoped. Right now I’m out of gas and just surviving. I need structure and familiarity since I’ve had so much turmoil in my life. ——— Sent from my iPhone __________________ Call me "owl" for short! Hmmm....looks like some good tips in here. "Okay, enough photos. I'm a very BUSY Business Kitty, so make an appointment next time." |
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3rd rock, Discombobulated, will19
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will19
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Grand Magnate
Member Since Oct 2012
Posts: 3,652
11 1,153 hugs
given |
#86
I thought that today would be an OK or nice day. It didn't turn out that way. Instead it turned out to be a bad day. I always try to be positive and optimistic but it never seems to work. Oh well!
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3rd rock
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Legendary
Member Since Mar 2011
Location: USA
Posts: 12,514
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#87
I'm being very lazy. It feels like depression minus the usual sadness. I better fight it, or soon the sadness will kick back in, and I'll feel really awful.
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mar dhea
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