[Bark]

If the number 13 prevents anyone from wanting to post, we can skip the number for this round.

Feeling pretty good. A friend did me a huge favour, which helped my anxiety immensely, and someone I know gave me hope that I'll get better. And my lost keys were found!

I'm thankful. So very thankful.

[favoritefountain2]

Annoyed actually. I feel like for every day of progress I'm making at work, we're losing that progress due to stupidity and lack of vision on the part of management. Its frustrating, because in general work has been going well but meetings today have been a disaster of "well what we really meant was"

So now I'm thinking about looking for a new job again - mostly because I can't bang my head against a desk much longer without inflicting long term damage to my frontal lobe.

Ugh. Home front is doing better, so I'm grateful for that. I need that front to quiet down while I deal with work.

Originally Posted by favoritefountain2

Annoyed actually. I feel like for every day of progress I'm making at work, we're losing that progress due to stupidity and lack of vision on the part of management. Its frustrating, because in general work has been going well but meetings today have been a disaster of "well what we really meant was"

So now I'm thinking about looking for a new job again - mostly because I can't bang my head against a desk much longer without inflicting long term damage to my frontal lobe.

Ugh. Home front is doing better, so I'm grateful for that. I need that front to quiet down while I deal with work.

what job do you do.

anything exciting

[tigersassy]

Feel like I don't belong anywhere. I'm falling into a darkness. My cancer diagnosis is starting to process. I won't lose myself to this. I refuse to. But how do you process without going into that darkness a little?

[Rose76]

Still trying to shake a cold. But feeling reasonable alright.

[favoritefountain2]

Originally Posted by shattered sanity

what job do you do.

anything exciting

I'm a consultant. I work for a tech company, but I'm primarily a statistician and I also handle some of our development (R, C#, MySQL, PostgreSQL) and system administration. I spend most of my time correcting misconceptions about data analysis and statistics, or dealing with our client who thinks Excel is the end all and be all of analytical environments. Which makes me cry.

I am not doing so well. Better, physically, after eating a dinner of eggrolls and water (it's better than it sounds). But feelings-wise... can't say the same. It's after 5:30 and rapidly growing dark outside. It was cloudy again today - only saw the sun, very faintly, for about five minutes, before it disappeared and never re-emerged. I get depressed anyway, but I do think part of it is seasonal, as I get worse in the winter and when the sun's not out. I hope I can get through tonight without my mood dipping any further.

[TheOriginalMe]

Very grey and very windy today. I managed a longish walk that did help me a little, but I'm still in the same old rut and feel very little other than fear and sadness. Occasionally I forget the present, the past and the future and exist in my own space, when that happens I get as close to content as I will ever be.

[angelene]

I know it's only 8:25PM but I just want to go to sleep...

[tigerlily84]

After getting into the argument with my mother about where I will spend Christmas, I received another phone call from my brother, who proceeded to yell at me because of something I said a week ago. And when I say yell I mean relentlessly scream. Well it was more than I could take, and I spent the rest of the day crying and in bed. I was in the wrong, yes, but I didn't deserve that. He made me think that we were okay this whole time, when he really was angry with me. I absolutely hate it when people are fake. Why? For what purpose? What is the point of joking around with me if you are pissed off?

He ended the conversation we had a week ago by telling the same corny joke he always does. I did apologize that very day, and he seemed to accept it, so I figured that we were okay. I texted and called him the following day to talk, but he never replied. So imagine my surprise when he called yesterday out of the blue. And guess what, after screaming at me, he texted me and told the same stupid joke. I feel like I am going crazy. Who does that? The worst part is that I have to see him on Christmas Day. I am sick of this.

[herethennow]

and so i start hating pdoc again because pdoc is being contradictory

i wanna give up. really. the thought of ending it all just overwhelms me.

[Bark]

Originally Posted by herethennow

and so i start hating pdoc again because pdoc is being contradictory

i wanna give up. really. the thought of ending it all just overwhelms me.

I know that feeling. It is overwhelming. But you can make it through.

Can you see a different doctor or are your options limited?

[Bark]

Moving was less stressful this time. But as my friend said, I have a lot of stuff, lots of it I could just throw away.

Here's hoping the year ends well and I'm able to deal with the inevitable anxiety. On the plus side, I'll probably start eating better.

[Angelique67]

It's viciously cold in my apartment. I'm wearing a sweater, a hoodie, a jacket and a T-shirt and I'm still freezing. I need gloves and wool socks. I feel kind of sick to my stomach. I don't even remember the last time the sun shone a little.

Well, it snowed last night so it looks like we may have a white Christmas after all. It's half raining/half snowing this morning so unfortunately, I don't think I'll get my jog/walk in. There's always tomorrow for that. Doing laundry and going to go to the grocery store soon. Will probably hit an AA meeting at noon and then go horseback riding. Feeling a little bummed out this morning. Not sure what I want in my life.

Also, not looking forward to tomorrow. We're going to my husband's sister's for the afternoon/evening. We'll be driving separate cars because lately I can't stay up much past 8:00. I just am too exhausted/overwhelmed. I guess I will say that I don't feel well when I get ready to leave - - which will basically be the truth - - but will feel crappy because I'll feel like everyone knows when I say "don't feel well" that it somehow traces back to my mental health. Last year I made it until 9:45 p.m. I think. That will NOT be happening this year. Very frustrating. . .

[regretful]

It's a day when I feel a bit stuck, not able to find that place of happier thoughts...I'm working through it, and though I probably said this yesterday, I'm doing a bit better than a year ago at this time as then I was 4 days away from hospitalization...

[herethennow]

Originally Posted by Bark

I know that feeling. It is overwhelming. But you can make it through.

Can you see a different doctor or are your options limited?

unfortunately nope.

--------------- (trigger warning here) ----------------------------

so pdoc, in july, said that she's okay with my si. she doesn't advocate it, but she's ok with it.
and now? she's freaking banning me from si-ing. @&%*&@#*^! EVEN T IS MORE UNDERSTANDING.

yes, SI isn't good and all.. but it's this thing that helps to stop me from taking a step further.

so annoyed. pissed. and.
still down.

being a burden.

I'm still tired. Can't eat properly or sleep even though I did go back and take my meds. I never stopped, just one night was a bad one for me.

[Rose76]

I feel like I can't catch up with things I've fallen behind on. Not really depressed though.

[hope2010]

I was feeling better, now I am sad, crying on and off, I can't stop thinking about the pass, I try to stop the thoughts with meditation, DBT, with all I know but is not working.
All I want is to stop crying, sleep, don't see anyone, don't talk. It is the time of the year, Xmas and New Year, away for decades from my family and sons, away, far far away.

2011 was one of the worst years of my life.
2012 was one of the worst years of my life.
2013 was one of the worst years of my life.
But 2014 has been, by far, the worst of all of them -
so bad I'm scared of what 2015 will be.

I have to say, if next year will be anything like this year has been...
well, then I really don't know about making it to 2016...

[TheOriginalMe]

Bah humbug. Another grey day, not properly daylight at all. Sunrise (ha what is that?) is around 8.30am and sunset is before 4pm. I did spend an hour outside with my dog, we walked in the park, it wasn't cold and the rain held off. I've had enough of christmas and it hasn't even started.

[Timothybythesea]

My name is Tim and I am trying to make it though this sad and lonely week. Does anyone else see this time of year HELL? I'm so lonely, sad and want to die. :

[herethennow]

fistful sleep with bad dreams, early morning awakening (then with feelings of wanting to cry) and then woke up early, dreading the day. gloom.

i dont want to meet pdoc again.

[Rose76]

Doing okay, but it's hard to catch up when my cold got me behind on the pre-Christmas stuff.